Ugh. Now we begin the part of the season with football on Thursdays. And not the good kind of Thursday football, where it's Thanksgiving and the Lions play early and the Cowboys play in the afternoon; the kind of Thursday football that was revealed to Tom Landry and Curly Lambeau by Football Allah (who looks an awful lot like John Madden). No, this is the NFL at its worst, showcasing games on their own network which isn't carried by five of the top seven cable providers and Football Allah's mercy on anybody who tries to post highlights anywhere that isn't NFL.com. Plus it once involved something called "Bryant Gumble." Whatever that is.
Anyway, picks. Let's have 'em.
Denver at Cleveland - The Browns. They are terrible.
True Americans know that the best football is played on Sundays. They also know the best sex is with a bald eagle in the missionary position.
New Orleans at Atlanta - As a Bucs fan, it'll be nice to not have to worry about another 6-3 team in the conference.
Tennessee at Chicago - Sorry, Sexy Rexy. The Houston Oilers are going 16-0 this year.
Jacksonville at Detroit - Two weeks ago I predicted the Jags would be 6-3. I'll excuse that error by claiming dyslexia after they fall to 3-6.
Baltimore at Houston - The Ravens are on a hot streak. Also, doesn't Flacco sound like something being pimped by Billy Mays on daytime television? "Buy now and we'll send you a second Flacc-O FREE!"
Seattle at Miami - The Dolphins are light-years ahead of where they were last season, but I think the 2007 'Fins could beat the 2008 'Hawks.
Green Bay at Minnesota - After this win, it's gonna be awesome hearing all the bloated cheeseheads complaining about Brett Favre selling the Packers' secrets to the Vikings. What secret? For the past 15 seasons in Green Bay the secret was "Brett Favre throws an INT each quarter at a crucial point, then unloads like five 79-yard TD passes in the final four minutes." Boom. I just won Coach of the Year.
Buffalo at New England - I can't possibly hate on the Pats enough.
St. Louis at New York Jets - Oops. I just gave away the Jets' game plan. I hope Jim Haslett never reads this or else the Jets are in troub- wait, no, they're playing the Rams. The Jets will still win.
Carolina at Oakland - Why not?
Indianapolis at Pittsburgh - Indy gets Bob Sanders back and the Colts are far and away a better team with him on D.
Kansas City at San Diego - After this season, the NFL should disband the AFC and NFC West.
New York Giants at Philadelphia - The Giants are certainly playing like they want to repeat as champions. I wish them many years of success. Specifically, many more than the Patriots had.
And as for Monday:
San Francisco at Arizona - Remember how last season Joe Theisman and Tony Kornheiser always seemed one smart-allecky comment away from laying into each other on "Monday Night Football"? I bet a really good way for Kornheiser to get Theisman to swing first would've been to say "Hey, Joe, break a leg," right as they went on the air.
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