NFL Week 4 Predictions

Last week: 5-11
Season: 25-23

UPDATE: THE REAL REFS ARE BACK but i'm not changing my predictions because whatever, man

What the hell even is the point?

Ugh, what a miserable week. I blame all the scab officials across the board. By the by, Packers fans certainly have a right to be mad at the scabs for blowing that last call, but they should also not forget their offensive line gave up eight first-half sacks. Just sayin'.

Thursday
Cleveland (0-3) at Baltimore (2-1) - I'm making the first game of Week 4 my official Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. For what it's worth. Last week I thought the Niners would handle the Vikings and look how that turned out. The week before I thought the Pats could surely beat the Cards and, well, there you go. Anyway, the last eight games these two have played are 203-91 in favor of the Ravens and the Browns are on a nine-game losing streak. Fun!

Sunday
Carolina (1-2) at Atlanta (3-0) - Carolina hasn't been able to stop the run, which is good news for Fat Michael Turner. The bad news for Also Drunk Michael Turner is that Matt Ryan has eight TD passes and one INT in three games. Look for... Atlanta will not score exactly 31 points in this game.

New England (1-2) at Buffalo (2-1) - The bad news for Bills fans is C.J. Spiller is injured. The good news is that Tashard Choice is a more-than-capable backup, as he proved in Dallas. The other bad news is that the Patriots are in town, and despite their complete bonering of the game last week (yeah that field goal, but also that nine-point lead) and despite their first so-far-losing-record since starting 2003 0-1 the Pats are still the Pats. Look for... Real winnahs don't make excuses!

San Diego (2-1) at Kansas City (1-2) - Why not, right? Home teams are something like 31-1 so far this year, and that's something you can legitimately put on the scabs. Philip Rivers looked rough last week and the Chiefs looked great.

Seattle (2-1) at St. Louis (1-2) - But, then, some home teams are beyond help. The Rams are one of those teams. Seattle looks legit this year what with Beast Mode and Russell "Nike adidas" Wilson. Also, how about Matt Flynn getting paid $20,000,000 to hold a clipboard and watch football? You go, girl.

San Francisco (2-1) at NY Jets (2-1) - Two really good defenses and two not-so-good quarterbacks meet in this one. I'm not even sure what else to say. "Darrelle Revis is out," I guess? I don't know. For some reason, my coffee isn't doing it for me today. Look for... If The Sanchize repeats last week's 306 yards but two INTs performance, ESPN will activate Tebowatch.

Minnesota (2-1) at Detroit (1-2) - Ummm... okaaay? The Lions and the Titans combined for 85 points last week. Minnesota had a double-digit win over San Francisco last week. I don't even know what's going on anymore. It doesn't look like Matt Stafford will miss this game, but maybe he should be benched for backup Shaun Hill. Consider: Hill threw two TD passes in the last 18 seconds of the 4th quarter last week. At an average of six points every nine seconds, that's 400 touchdowns per game. Even if Hill is half as good as last week, the Lions would still have 1,400 points (I'm assuming each PAT would be good) at the final gun. Look for... Jason Hanson's leg to fall off.

Tennessee (1-2) at Houston (3-0) - Would you believe the Texans are not only the only unbeaten team in the AFC South but in the entire AFC?? That's how cuckoo-clock-nutty this season has been. The Titans scored touchdowns just about every way a team can without the offense on the field. The Texans, on the other hand, had their QB throw four touchdown passes, winning the old-fashioned way.

Cincinnati (2-1) at Jacksonville (1-2) - CAT FIIIIIIIGHT!!!! The Jaguars are the new Lions, in that they are terrible.

Miami (1-2) at Arizona (3-0) - The Cardinals have played all three of their games this year as underdogs and in fact have been outgained by an average of 316 to 263 total yards. Their defense is actually good, and against a Dolphins team without Reggie Bush, this should be an easy win for Arizona. Look for... OF COURSE, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THE PACKERS LAST WEEK ARRRGH THIS SEASON

Oakland (1-2) at Denver (1-2) - Pew pew pew! It's an AFC Wild Wild West shootout! Weeeeee doggies! Last week, Carson "Emerson, Lake, and" Palmer threw for three TDs. Last week, Peyton "Call... Papa Bear. Hut hut!" Manning threw for two TDs on 52 pass attempts. Look for... With incomplete passes stopping the clock combined with scab official meetings on every one of the 40 penalties called, this game could last longer than your average Red Sox/Yankees game. Side note: It's really damn hard to find a cowbell sound on YouTube.

Washington (1-2) at Tampa Bay (1-2) - Ugggggh. Tampa's offense looked AWFUL last week. They were completely unable to take advantage of their defense keeping them in the game. The play calling was unimaginative: rush for no gain, rush for no gain, incomplete pass on third and long. It reminded me of watching UCF games in 2008. I realize that may be too regionally specific for some of you, but just know that anytime an NFL team reminds someone of a Conference USA team, it ain't a good thing. Barf barf barf.

New Orleans (0-3) at Green Bay (1-2) - If you'd have told me in August that these two teams would be 1-5 in Week 4, I'd have called you a liar. The Saints are really bad defensively this year, allowing 27.7 points per game and 477 yards per game. The last time these two teams met was the start of the 2011 season and both QBs combined for 731 yards and six TDs. Who knows, this could be more of the same.

(SNF) NY Giants (2-1) at Philadelphia (2-1) - I know two things about this game: One, New York will force a buttload of turnovers. Two, Philly's inevitable "BULLSHIT" chant will put Baltimore's to shame. It may involve literal bull shit, possibly with D-cell batteries stuffed inside.

Monday
Chicago (2-1) at Dallas (2-1) - Remember the Steelers/Dolphins game where punts just stuck in the muddy turf and nobody could move the ball and it was 3-0? That'll be this one, but no mud. Look for... Both teams will combine for less than 100 yards of offense.

Bye Weeks: Pittsburgh, Indianapolis

NFL Week 3 Predicitons

Last week: 9-7
Season: 20-12

All right, bounce-back week, here we go now.

Thursday
NY Giants (1-1) at Carolina (1-1) - Remember when Eli Manning was a hapless loser, and those Citizen watch ads were hilarious? No? Anyway, both of these teams put up huge numbers on offense last week, with Eli having a career-best 510-yard (!!!) passing day on top of three INTs and Cam "Fig" Newton putting up 324 total yards. The Giants won't have Ahmad Bradshaw but who needs a running game these days?

Sunday
St. Louis (1-1) at Chicago (1-1) - The Rams haven't had a two-game winning streak since 2010. The Bears looked awful against the Packers last Thursday, but that's the Packers. Steven Jackson's groin shouldn't be an issue, but Matt Forté's ankle might keep him (Matt Forté) out of the game. The Bears have dominated the last few times these teams have met, and that shouldn't change this week. Look for... The Bears' special teams might be the key to this game.

Buffalo (1-1) at Cleveland (0-2) - Psyduck Stat of the Week: In three of the past four games these teams have played, the average total points scored is 12 (8-0, 6-3, and 13-6). Brandon Weeden got 2,180% better in Week 2 (5.1 QB rating in Week 1; 114.9 in Week 2) but still lost. C.J. Spiller was awesome again last week (170 total yards, 2 TDs) and will be again.

Tampa Bay (1-1) at Dallas (1-1) - DARE TO DREAM. The Cowboys are 12-3 all-time against the Bucs. The Bucs farted away a 14-point lead last week. BUT! The Cowboys only put up 296 total yards against Seattle (SEATTLE!) last week. The Cowboys are 7-9 at home since 2010. The Bucs had three picks against the Giants last week and looked sharp until the end. Look for... Josh Freeman better pray he doesn't have to take a knee at the end of this game.

NY Jets (1-1) at Miami (1-1) - This one is a toss-up to me. Mark Sanchez couldn't complete a pass to save his job for three quarters last week. Reggie Bush put up ridiculous, what-we-expected-six-years-ago numbers (172 yards, 2 TDs) last week. Perspective: Sanchez was helpless against the Steelers and Bush and the 'Fins were stellar against the Raiders. The Jets are juuuust this side of mo'-betta than the Dolphins so they get the nod.

San Francisco (2-0) at Minnesota (1-1) - Fun Fact: The 49ers haven't won in Minnesota since 1992. Corollary fun fact: The 49ers haven't been this good since approximately 1992. This is a game I hope is on my TV Sunday afternoon even though I feel certain I'm getting St. Louis/Chicago on Fox. This game is my official Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Kansas City (0-2) at New Orleans (0-2) - Hm. Maybe the Saints did need Sean Payton calling plays. And now that they're not getting paid cash to murder people, their defense has been amaze-balls awful (league-worst 922 yards, 75 points allowed). The good news for the Saints is the Chiefs are equally terrible in that they've also allowed 75 points per game. Unless the over/under is triple digits, take the over. Hell, even then.

Detroit (1-1) at Tennessee (0-2) - The last time these teams met was in 2008, and the Lions were destroyed 47-10. Oh wait, that was also the year the Lions went 0-16. The Titans don't have an offense: Jake Locker has more rushing yards on four carries than Chris Johnson has on 19. Johnson would need 100 carries at his current yards-per-carry average (1.1) to get 110 yards. Their passing game is crap, too.

Jacksonville (0-2) at Indianapolis (1-1) - "BARF!" Parity my black ass. The Jaguars are going to be terrible for a long, long time unless they make some changes in the front office. Last week, Jacksonville gained 117 total effing yards to Houston's 411. Nobody's hitting the panic button in Jacksonville? Nobody wants to bench Blarf Barfberf (also: Pain Gagbarf)? It's painfully obvious that Shahid Khan is just running out the clock until he can move the team to Los Angeles, but unless pieces are in place to at least win some of the time, nobody in LA is gonna come see the team either.

Cincinnati (1-1) at Washington (1-1) - PEW PEW PEW! That's the sound of a shootout, folks! WEEEEE DOGGIES! The 'Skins returned to Earth a bit last week in the loss to St. Louis but Robert "Stewart Gilligan" Griffin III still had three TDs. Andy Dalton also had three TDs last week. Washington's defense will at least be able to stop the Bengals' offense once or twice, so they got the nod.

Philadelphia (2-0) at Arizona (2-0) - Zuh!? Both of these teams are 2-0? AND the Cardinals played the Pats last week!? The Eagle are losing 4.5 turnovers per week and still eking out wins, and they should win here in their second-straight all-bird mascot matchup.

Atlanta (2-0) at A Whale's Vagina (2-0) - Two not-as-surprising 2-0 teams here. The Dirty Birds' last loss to Saint Diego came in 1988. Atlanta's defense was scary-good last week. The last time these teams met was 2008 and Philip "My Favorite Skinny Puppy Song Might Be" Rivers had a Weedenesque 7.5 QB rating that game.

Houston (2-0) at Denver (1-1) - "Hooray!" said the Texans. "Peyton Manning left our divison!" "Screw you," said the NFL schedulers. "You still have to play him." The elder Manning is 16-2 all-time against the Texans, and he's still playing for a horse mascot team.

Pittsburgh (1-1) at Oakland - This one might be sloppy and gross or it might be a blowout but either way Ben Roflburger and the Stillers get the W.

(SNF) New England (1-1) at Baltimore (1-1) - The Ravens have never beaten the Patriots since Art packed up the Browns in 1996. Coming off an embarrassing loss to the Cardinals last week, the Pats are going to look to murder somebody. Even without Aaron Hernandez, and even against the Ravens, that can happen here. Fun Fact: Without looking it up, how old is Kellen Winslow?

Monday
Green Bay (1-1) at Seattle (1-1) - Ummm... not even close. The combined scores of the last three games these two teams have played is 117-47 in favor of the cheeseheads.

NFL Week 2 Predictions

Last week: 11-5
Season: 11-5

Rookie quarterbacks were the trend last week, as 38 different rookies got the start under center. Washington's Robert Griffin III had the best week, completing 19 of 26 attempts for 320 yards and 2 TDs. Brandon Weeden (do I need to tell you he plays for Cleveland?) completed 12 of 35 attempts for 118 yards, 0 TDs, 4 INTs, and lost a fumble. He wound up with a passer rating of 5.1. So you've got that going for you, Cleveland fans.

This week the trend is teams playing each other for the first time in like 50 years.

Thursday
Chicago (1-0) at Green Bay (0-1) - Week 2 starts off with a tree-falling-in-the-woods matchup. This NFC North rivalry would make a hell of a lot of noise if there were anybody around to see it, but since the NFL Network and Time Warner are still playing Ultimate Asshole Challenge nobody will be able to. Sad trombone. The Pack own this series with Aaron "Discount Double Check" Rodgers as quarterback. Look for... Facebook updates from your friend with DirecTV.

Sunday
Kansas City (0-1) at Buffalo (0-1) - Last week both teams allowed 40 or more points. The Bills are 3-1 against the Chiefs in the last four seasons, and even with injuries to David Nelson and Fred Jackson that should continue here. C.J. Spiller was more than a stand-in last week, gaining 169 yards and a TD on 14 carries.

Cleveland (0-1) at Cincinnati (0-1) - The Bengals got smoked Monday night, but the Ravens' offense is way (way, WAY) better than the Browns's's. The Browns' D was ridiculously good against Philly last week, forcing five turnovers and scoring a TD. Cleveland will ride their defense to a victory in this one. Look for... This could easily be 75 minutes of 0-0 football where somehow neither team's offense possesses the ball for a majority of the time.

Minnesota (1-0) at Indianapolis (0-1) - The Vikings haven't beaten the Colts in 15 years, but they've only played three times since 1997. Christian "Quarter" Ponder looked great last week which probably says more about the Jags' defense than it does his ability as a passer but really, all he needs to do is give the ball to Adrian Peterson (how great was he on your fantasy bench last week, btw?) and Percival J. Harvin IV and the Vikes will be okay.

Oakland (0-1) at Miami (0-1) - Imagine how excited you'd be if you were a coma patient coming out of a 30 year blackout and you saw this on your local CBS affiliate. If you get this game on your TV, put John Facenda reading "The Autumn Wind" on for three hours instead and you'll have a much better Sunday. Oakland is less of a disaster than Miami, so they get the nod. Look for... Liquor sales to spike sharply. Dry counties can expect a similar rise in liquor store smash-and-grabs.

Arizona (1-0) at New England (1-0) - Jack Skellington's out, Kevin Kolb is in for the Cards. Wes Welker might be getting phased out for the Pats but who cares because there's like 15 other guys for Tom "Here's the Story of a Lovely" Brady to throw to UGHGHGHGHHHGGGGHH. I really dislike the Patriots. Look for... Arizona's run game couldn't do much worse than last week's 20 rushes for 43 yards, but they'll sure try here!

Tampa Bay (1-0) at NY Giants (0-1) - Hooray! I get a Bucs game on Fox this week! Oh no! It's against the Giants! In the last three games these two teams have played, Tampa has averaged 5.7 points/game and 177 total yards per game. Wheee! Tampa held Carolina to 10 rushing yards last week and NY's rushing game looked awful against Dallas Wednesday night, so the ground game is mostly out, but the passing game is still A Thing for Eli. Look for... Tampa's Doug Martin will face a huge test this week against the best front four in the NFL.

Baltimore (1-0) at Philadelphia (1-0) - Michael Vick threw four INTs last week but the Eagles still won. That's hard to do. This is just the third meeting between these teams since Art packed up the Browns in 1996. Home team gets the nod in this one, and it could be a shoot-out.

New Orleans (0-1) at Carolina (0-1) - Who would have thought these two teams would be 0-1 to start the year? Drew "The Autumn" Brees is 4-0 in the last two years against the Panthers. Was the Saints' inability to stop anything on defense (458 yards just from Griffin and Alfred Morris together; 40 points) an aberration? Will the Saints do better than 2 of 11 on third down conversions? Dat will become clearer this week.

Houston (1-0) at Jacksonville (0-1) - Blaine Gabbert looked remarkably good last week, but against the Vikings so take it with a grain of salt. Still, his offensive line did a good job containing last year's sack leader, giving him time to complete some silly-accurate passes. On the other hand, the Houston Texans. They're done building/rebuilding. They have the quarterback and the running game and should take this one handily.

Dallas (1-0) at Seattle (0-1) - This is the first Cowboys trip to Seattle since the 2007 Wild Card game when Tony "No" Romo fumbled away a chance to win. Hahahaha wasn't that great? Anyway, overall America's Team has ruined the Seahawks in the Cowboys' last three wins, totaling 866 yards through the air, with 8 TDs and just 1 INT. Look for... Fantasy waiver wire sexy-time receiver Kevin Ogletree. That's all, just look for him. He'll either repeat his Week 1 performance or he won't; either way, the announcers won't shut up about him.

Washington (1-0) at St. Louis (0-1) - The Rams picked three Matthew Stafford passes, which kept the score close against the Lions last week. Having said that, the Lions still managed 429 yards against the Rams. The Redskins racked up 473 yards on offense last week. Oh, and 40 points.

NY Jets (1-0) at Pittsburgh (0-1) - Yes, the Jets mashed the Bills for 48 points and the Steelers lost last week. But! The Jets were playing the Bills and the Steelers had a 19-14 advantage over the Broncos in the fourth quarter and the Broncos' quarterback is Peyton Manning who is still Peyton Manning. Mark "Dirty" Sanchez is not Peyton Manning.

Tennessee (0-1) at A Whale's Vagina (1-0) - San Diego has never lost to the Titans. Philip Rivers is 4-0 against the Titans. Chris Johnson rushed 11 times for four yards last week (which is a shame because he's a cool dude but MAN step it up!). Jake "The Hurt" Locker has nobody to throw it to. Yikes.

SNF Detroit (1-0) at San Francisco (1-0) - Holding Green Bay's offense to 22 points is like holding 2009 Chris Johnson to four yards, so credit to the Niners' defense. Detroit's poor offensive showing against the Rams last week was probably a fluke, but they haven't won in San Francisco since 197-freakin'-5.

Monday
Denver (1-0) at Atlanta (1-0) - Champ Bayleaf and Tracy Porter are going to be busy as hell trying to cover Julio Jones and Roddy White in this one and if the Falcons decide to use Michael "11 carries for 32 yards" Turner to eat some clock and keep Peyton off the field, they should get the W.

NFL Week 1 Predictions

*blows dust off blog* It's been a while since I've touched this and I figured there's no better way to get back into the swing of things than by doing something I really enjoy: NFL picks, straight up. As always, winners are in bold.

Wednesday
Dallas at NY Giants - This is a great rivalry game and a fantastic start to the 2012 NFL season. I can say this because I'm a quasi-Giants fan; for Cowboys fans it will be a miserable start to the season as they watch the G-Men stomp the Cowboys. Look for... Both QBs should combine for something like 750 yards of passing offense.

Sunday
Indianapolis at Chicago - All eyes will be on this one as the football world waits to see if Andrew Luck can replace Curtis Painter as the Colts' QB of the future. Da Bears' D will be a rude welcome to the NFL for Luck, and the combo of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall will tax the perennially shitty Colts' D.

Philadelphia at Cleveland - Another rookie QB taking on a tough defense. The Eagles allowed 11.5 points per game in their win streak to close out last year, and the Browns scored 13.6 points/game all year. Philly has too many weapons on offense for a bizarrely-good Browns D to contain effectively, though.

St. Louis at Detroit - Wow. What would've been a cripple fight two short years ago has become a hate crime in the making. The Lions will air it out forever and former UCF star and current fat filmmaker Kevin Smith should get some touches, too. Look for... Final score will be something like 45-6.

San Francisco at Green Bay - The Niners have a solid D but come on. It's a pass-happy league like never before, and Aaron Rodgers is pretty much the embodiment of that. Look for... The 49ers' defense could score more than their offense.

New England at Tennessee - I would've bet money that Jake Locker is a rookie, but apparently he was drafted in 2011. Anywho, as much as it makes me want to vomit, the Patriots look ridiculously stacked on offense and Tom Brady could throw for like 6,000 yards this year. Look for... Tom Brady might have completions to seven or eight guys, and four of them could have 100+ receiving yards.

Atlanta at Kansas City - Jamaal Charles got four extra months of extra rehab time by tearing his ACL in like the first quarter of Week 1 last year so that's not even a factor. He'll be electric as ever for two plays and then the Falcons will stack the box, double-team Dwayne Bowe, and call it a day. Matt "If he's still called 'Matty Ice' it's really sad and embarrassing" Ryan will continue to hand it off to hugely overworked Michael Turner or relief back J...izz Rodgers. Yawn.

Jacksonville at Minnesota - Hoo boy. Christian "Big Fish in a Little" Ponder and Blaine "Hey Gabba" Gabbert (CALL ME, CHRIS BERMAN! I CAN MAKE US RICH) both looked rough last year with Gabbert looking completely out of place. Like, Shahid Khan overheard some idiot in the stands saying "Geez anybody could play quarterback in this league with all the rules protecting the prettyboys," and said "Okay, dickhead. Prove it." But obviously that's not the case because Gabbert's still on the roster (AS A STARTER no less) so the Jags think he's the best they can do. Anyway, as a Gators fan I'd really like to see Percival J. Harvin III fly all over the field so let's hope they do that. Look for... Oh, and Adrian Peterson is back, so that's A Thing.

Washington at New Orleans - Apparently Robert Griffin III was a good quarterback last year? I wouldn't know because he played for Baylor and I didn't watch any Baylor games last year because ahahahaha Baylor. So, another rookie QB gets the start in 2012. The Saints, meanwhile, have to deal with the fallout from their "incentives" program, including Sean Payton being suspended for the year. Ultimately none of that matters because the Saints offense still takes the field, and you don't need Payton to say "Tiger X-Choice, Drew Brees throw it to Marques or Jimmy, Z-slant." By the way, if you think the Saints were the only team in the NFL to pay players for deliberately injuring dudes, you are, quite frankly, dumber than shit.

Buffalo at NY Jets - I think this one hinges on a defensive stop for the Jets; maybe a pick-six, maybe a late goal line stop, something like that. Mark Sanchez will be his usual Mark Sanchez self and 80,000 horrible NY/NJians screaming "Give us Barabbas Tebow!" won't help his composure any. Look for... I could be wrong, and The Sanchize goes 40/43 for 440 yards and 5 TDs.

Seattle at Arizona - $17,000,000 worth of quarterbacks will be riding pine in this one. Russell "Spalding Voit" Wilson (another rookie quarterback) beat out Matt Flynn ($10,000,000) for the starting job in Seattle, while Kevin Kolb ($7,000,000) will watch Jack Skellington from the sidelines in AZ. Contract the NFC West.

Carolina at Tampa Bay - Even if Cam Newton's offensive production is more in line with the second half of 2011 than the first, the Bucs' defense will still make him and the other seven Panthers' running backs look amazing. Look for... This one could be a shoot-out.

Miami at Houston - The Dolphins are a complete mess. ANOTHER rookie QB under center throwing to... who? Handing off to... Reggie Bush, I guess? Barf. Houston, the AFC South division champions by default, will continue to give the ball to Arian Foster and Andre Johnson (health permitting) and they'll be exciting to watch which is kind of nice :3

(SNF) Pittsburgh at Denver - THROW LEFT PEYTON NOOOOOOOO!! It's a coin flip for me. The Steelers have a ridiculously good defense, but Peyton is still (maybe) a ridiculously good quarterback. In the end, I'm giving the Donkos the W due to altitude.

Monday
Cincinnati at Baltimore - Joe Flacco leads the Ravens ?th-ranked offense against the Bengals' shitty defense in the first of a Monday night doubleheader. Look for Flacco to use Ricky Williams (that can't be right) to set up the aerial assault with ?? as his primary receiver and ????????? as secondary options. Look, the point is, the Ravens will have a stellar defense again and will hold opponents to (n-1) scores, where n is the number of Baltimore scores, more often than not.

A Whale's Vagina at Oakland - It's nice of ESPN to make this the second game of the doubleheader so East Coast fans can watch the first half before going to sleep secure in the knowledge they're not missing anything exciting. The Chargers are the 90s Barves of the NFL in that you can count on them to make the playoffs each year. The Barves eventually won championships, but good news Chargers fans! This is your yeahahahahahahahahahhahahaha