NFL Week 1 Predictions

*blows dust off blog* It's been a while since I've touched this and I figured there's no better way to get back into the swing of things than by doing something I really enjoy: NFL picks, straight up. As always, winners are in bold.

Wednesday
Dallas at NY Giants - This is a great rivalry game and a fantastic start to the 2012 NFL season. I can say this because I'm a quasi-Giants fan; for Cowboys fans it will be a miserable start to the season as they watch the G-Men stomp the Cowboys. Look for... Both QBs should combine for something like 750 yards of passing offense.

Sunday
Indianapolis at Chicago - All eyes will be on this one as the football world waits to see if Andrew Luck can replace Curtis Painter as the Colts' QB of the future. Da Bears' D will be a rude welcome to the NFL for Luck, and the combo of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall will tax the perennially shitty Colts' D.

Philadelphia at Cleveland - Another rookie QB taking on a tough defense. The Eagles allowed 11.5 points per game in their win streak to close out last year, and the Browns scored 13.6 points/game all year. Philly has too many weapons on offense for a bizarrely-good Browns D to contain effectively, though.

St. Louis at Detroit - Wow. What would've been a cripple fight two short years ago has become a hate crime in the making. The Lions will air it out forever and former UCF star and current fat filmmaker Kevin Smith should get some touches, too. Look for... Final score will be something like 45-6.

San Francisco at Green Bay - The Niners have a solid D but come on. It's a pass-happy league like never before, and Aaron Rodgers is pretty much the embodiment of that. Look for... The 49ers' defense could score more than their offense.

New England at Tennessee - I would've bet money that Jake Locker is a rookie, but apparently he was drafted in 2011. Anywho, as much as it makes me want to vomit, the Patriots look ridiculously stacked on offense and Tom Brady could throw for like 6,000 yards this year. Look for... Tom Brady might have completions to seven or eight guys, and four of them could have 100+ receiving yards.

Atlanta at Kansas City - Jamaal Charles got four extra months of extra rehab time by tearing his ACL in like the first quarter of Week 1 last year so that's not even a factor. He'll be electric as ever for two plays and then the Falcons will stack the box, double-team Dwayne Bowe, and call it a day. Matt "If he's still called 'Matty Ice' it's really sad and embarrassing" Ryan will continue to hand it off to hugely overworked Michael Turner or relief back J...izz Rodgers. Yawn.

Jacksonville at Minnesota - Hoo boy. Christian "Big Fish in a Little" Ponder and Blaine "Hey Gabba" Gabbert (CALL ME, CHRIS BERMAN! I CAN MAKE US RICH) both looked rough last year with Gabbert looking completely out of place. Like, Shahid Khan overheard some idiot in the stands saying "Geez anybody could play quarterback in this league with all the rules protecting the prettyboys," and said "Okay, dickhead. Prove it." But obviously that's not the case because Gabbert's still on the roster (AS A STARTER no less) so the Jags think he's the best they can do. Anyway, as a Gators fan I'd really like to see Percival J. Harvin III fly all over the field so let's hope they do that. Look for... Oh, and Adrian Peterson is back, so that's A Thing.

Washington at New Orleans - Apparently Robert Griffin III was a good quarterback last year? I wouldn't know because he played for Baylor and I didn't watch any Baylor games last year because ahahahaha Baylor. So, another rookie QB gets the start in 2012. The Saints, meanwhile, have to deal with the fallout from their "incentives" program, including Sean Payton being suspended for the year. Ultimately none of that matters because the Saints offense still takes the field, and you don't need Payton to say "Tiger X-Choice, Drew Brees throw it to Marques or Jimmy, Z-slant." By the way, if you think the Saints were the only team in the NFL to pay players for deliberately injuring dudes, you are, quite frankly, dumber than shit.

Buffalo at NY Jets - I think this one hinges on a defensive stop for the Jets; maybe a pick-six, maybe a late goal line stop, something like that. Mark Sanchez will be his usual Mark Sanchez self and 80,000 horrible NY/NJians screaming "Give us Barabbas Tebow!" won't help his composure any. Look for... I could be wrong, and The Sanchize goes 40/43 for 440 yards and 5 TDs.

Seattle at Arizona - $17,000,000 worth of quarterbacks will be riding pine in this one. Russell "Spalding Voit" Wilson (another rookie quarterback) beat out Matt Flynn ($10,000,000) for the starting job in Seattle, while Kevin Kolb ($7,000,000) will watch Jack Skellington from the sidelines in AZ. Contract the NFC West.

Carolina at Tampa Bay - Even if Cam Newton's offensive production is more in line with the second half of 2011 than the first, the Bucs' defense will still make him and the other seven Panthers' running backs look amazing. Look for... This one could be a shoot-out.

Miami at Houston - The Dolphins are a complete mess. ANOTHER rookie QB under center throwing to... who? Handing off to... Reggie Bush, I guess? Barf. Houston, the AFC South division champions by default, will continue to give the ball to Arian Foster and Andre Johnson (health permitting) and they'll be exciting to watch which is kind of nice :3

(SNF) Pittsburgh at Denver - THROW LEFT PEYTON NOOOOOOOO!! It's a coin flip for me. The Steelers have a ridiculously good defense, but Peyton is still (maybe) a ridiculously good quarterback. In the end, I'm giving the Donkos the W due to altitude.

Monday
Cincinnati at Baltimore - Joe Flacco leads the Ravens ?th-ranked offense against the Bengals' shitty defense in the first of a Monday night doubleheader. Look for Flacco to use Ricky Williams (that can't be right) to set up the aerial assault with ?? as his primary receiver and ????????? as secondary options. Look, the point is, the Ravens will have a stellar defense again and will hold opponents to (n-1) scores, where n is the number of Baltimore scores, more often than not.

A Whale's Vagina at Oakland - It's nice of ESPN to make this the second game of the doubleheader so East Coast fans can watch the first half before going to sleep secure in the knowledge they're not missing anything exciting. The Chargers are the 90s Barves of the NFL in that you can count on them to make the playoffs each year. The Barves eventually won championships, but good news Chargers fans! This is your yeahahahahahahahahahhahahaha