NFL Week 4 Predictions

Last week: 5-11
Season: 25-23

UPDATE: THE REAL REFS ARE BACK but i'm not changing my predictions because whatever, man

What the hell even is the point?

Ugh, what a miserable week. I blame all the scab officials across the board. By the by, Packers fans certainly have a right to be mad at the scabs for blowing that last call, but they should also not forget their offensive line gave up eight first-half sacks. Just sayin'.

Thursday
Cleveland (0-3) at Baltimore (2-1) - I'm making the first game of Week 4 my official Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. For what it's worth. Last week I thought the Niners would handle the Vikings and look how that turned out. The week before I thought the Pats could surely beat the Cards and, well, there you go. Anyway, the last eight games these two have played are 203-91 in favor of the Ravens and the Browns are on a nine-game losing streak. Fun!

Sunday
Carolina (1-2) at Atlanta (3-0) - Carolina hasn't been able to stop the run, which is good news for Fat Michael Turner. The bad news for Also Drunk Michael Turner is that Matt Ryan has eight TD passes and one INT in three games. Look for... Atlanta will not score exactly 31 points in this game.

New England (1-2) at Buffalo (2-1) - The bad news for Bills fans is C.J. Spiller is injured. The good news is that Tashard Choice is a more-than-capable backup, as he proved in Dallas. The other bad news is that the Patriots are in town, and despite their complete bonering of the game last week (yeah that field goal, but also that nine-point lead) and despite their first so-far-losing-record since starting 2003 0-1 the Pats are still the Pats. Look for... Real winnahs don't make excuses!

San Diego (2-1) at Kansas City (1-2) - Why not, right? Home teams are something like 31-1 so far this year, and that's something you can legitimately put on the scabs. Philip Rivers looked rough last week and the Chiefs looked great.

Seattle (2-1) at St. Louis (1-2) - But, then, some home teams are beyond help. The Rams are one of those teams. Seattle looks legit this year what with Beast Mode and Russell "Nike adidas" Wilson. Also, how about Matt Flynn getting paid $20,000,000 to hold a clipboard and watch football? You go, girl.

San Francisco (2-1) at NY Jets (2-1) - Two really good defenses and two not-so-good quarterbacks meet in this one. I'm not even sure what else to say. "Darrelle Revis is out," I guess? I don't know. For some reason, my coffee isn't doing it for me today. Look for... If The Sanchize repeats last week's 306 yards but two INTs performance, ESPN will activate Tebowatch.

Minnesota (2-1) at Detroit (1-2) - Ummm... okaaay? The Lions and the Titans combined for 85 points last week. Minnesota had a double-digit win over San Francisco last week. I don't even know what's going on anymore. It doesn't look like Matt Stafford will miss this game, but maybe he should be benched for backup Shaun Hill. Consider: Hill threw two TD passes in the last 18 seconds of the 4th quarter last week. At an average of six points every nine seconds, that's 400 touchdowns per game. Even if Hill is half as good as last week, the Lions would still have 1,400 points (I'm assuming each PAT would be good) at the final gun. Look for... Jason Hanson's leg to fall off.

Tennessee (1-2) at Houston (3-0) - Would you believe the Texans are not only the only unbeaten team in the AFC South but in the entire AFC?? That's how cuckoo-clock-nutty this season has been. The Titans scored touchdowns just about every way a team can without the offense on the field. The Texans, on the other hand, had their QB throw four touchdown passes, winning the old-fashioned way.

Cincinnati (2-1) at Jacksonville (1-2) - CAT FIIIIIIIGHT!!!! The Jaguars are the new Lions, in that they are terrible.

Miami (1-2) at Arizona (3-0) - The Cardinals have played all three of their games this year as underdogs and in fact have been outgained by an average of 316 to 263 total yards. Their defense is actually good, and against a Dolphins team without Reggie Bush, this should be an easy win for Arizona. Look for... OF COURSE, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THE PACKERS LAST WEEK ARRRGH THIS SEASON

Oakland (1-2) at Denver (1-2) - Pew pew pew! It's an AFC Wild Wild West shootout! Weeeeee doggies! Last week, Carson "Emerson, Lake, and" Palmer threw for three TDs. Last week, Peyton "Call... Papa Bear. Hut hut!" Manning threw for two TDs on 52 pass attempts. Look for... With incomplete passes stopping the clock combined with scab official meetings on every one of the 40 penalties called, this game could last longer than your average Red Sox/Yankees game. Side note: It's really damn hard to find a cowbell sound on YouTube.

Washington (1-2) at Tampa Bay (1-2) - Ugggggh. Tampa's offense looked AWFUL last week. They were completely unable to take advantage of their defense keeping them in the game. The play calling was unimaginative: rush for no gain, rush for no gain, incomplete pass on third and long. It reminded me of watching UCF games in 2008. I realize that may be too regionally specific for some of you, but just know that anytime an NFL team reminds someone of a Conference USA team, it ain't a good thing. Barf barf barf.

New Orleans (0-3) at Green Bay (1-2) - If you'd have told me in August that these two teams would be 1-5 in Week 4, I'd have called you a liar. The Saints are really bad defensively this year, allowing 27.7 points per game and 477 yards per game. The last time these two teams met was the start of the 2011 season and both QBs combined for 731 yards and six TDs. Who knows, this could be more of the same.

(SNF) NY Giants (2-1) at Philadelphia (2-1) - I know two things about this game: One, New York will force a buttload of turnovers. Two, Philly's inevitable "BULLSHIT" chant will put Baltimore's to shame. It may involve literal bull shit, possibly with D-cell batteries stuffed inside.

Monday
Chicago (2-1) at Dallas (2-1) - Remember the Steelers/Dolphins game where punts just stuck in the muddy turf and nobody could move the ball and it was 3-0? That'll be this one, but no mud. Look for... Both teams will combine for less than 100 yards of offense.

Bye Weeks: Pittsburgh, Indianapolis