NFL Week 2 Predictions

Last week: 11-5
Season: 11-5

Rookie quarterbacks were the trend last week, as 38 different rookies got the start under center. Washington's Robert Griffin III had the best week, completing 19 of 26 attempts for 320 yards and 2 TDs. Brandon Weeden (do I need to tell you he plays for Cleveland?) completed 12 of 35 attempts for 118 yards, 0 TDs, 4 INTs, and lost a fumble. He wound up with a passer rating of 5.1. So you've got that going for you, Cleveland fans.

This week the trend is teams playing each other for the first time in like 50 years.

Thursday
Chicago (1-0) at Green Bay (0-1) - Week 2 starts off with a tree-falling-in-the-woods matchup. This NFC North rivalry would make a hell of a lot of noise if there were anybody around to see it, but since the NFL Network and Time Warner are still playing Ultimate Asshole Challenge nobody will be able to. Sad trombone. The Pack own this series with Aaron "Discount Double Check" Rodgers as quarterback. Look for... Facebook updates from your friend with DirecTV.

Sunday
Kansas City (0-1) at Buffalo (0-1) - Last week both teams allowed 40 or more points. The Bills are 3-1 against the Chiefs in the last four seasons, and even with injuries to David Nelson and Fred Jackson that should continue here. C.J. Spiller was more than a stand-in last week, gaining 169 yards and a TD on 14 carries.

Cleveland (0-1) at Cincinnati (0-1) - The Bengals got smoked Monday night, but the Ravens' offense is way (way, WAY) better than the Browns's's. The Browns' D was ridiculously good against Philly last week, forcing five turnovers and scoring a TD. Cleveland will ride their defense to a victory in this one. Look for... This could easily be 75 minutes of 0-0 football where somehow neither team's offense possesses the ball for a majority of the time.

Minnesota (1-0) at Indianapolis (0-1) - The Vikings haven't beaten the Colts in 15 years, but they've only played three times since 1997. Christian "Quarter" Ponder looked great last week which probably says more about the Jags' defense than it does his ability as a passer but really, all he needs to do is give the ball to Adrian Peterson (how great was he on your fantasy bench last week, btw?) and Percival J. Harvin IV and the Vikes will be okay.

Oakland (0-1) at Miami (0-1) - Imagine how excited you'd be if you were a coma patient coming out of a 30 year blackout and you saw this on your local CBS affiliate. If you get this game on your TV, put John Facenda reading "The Autumn Wind" on for three hours instead and you'll have a much better Sunday. Oakland is less of a disaster than Miami, so they get the nod. Look for... Liquor sales to spike sharply. Dry counties can expect a similar rise in liquor store smash-and-grabs.

Arizona (1-0) at New England (1-0) - Jack Skellington's out, Kevin Kolb is in for the Cards. Wes Welker might be getting phased out for the Pats but who cares because there's like 15 other guys for Tom "Here's the Story of a Lovely" Brady to throw to UGHGHGHGHHHGGGGHH. I really dislike the Patriots. Look for... Arizona's run game couldn't do much worse than last week's 20 rushes for 43 yards, but they'll sure try here!

Tampa Bay (1-0) at NY Giants (0-1) - Hooray! I get a Bucs game on Fox this week! Oh no! It's against the Giants! In the last three games these two teams have played, Tampa has averaged 5.7 points/game and 177 total yards per game. Wheee! Tampa held Carolina to 10 rushing yards last week and NY's rushing game looked awful against Dallas Wednesday night, so the ground game is mostly out, but the passing game is still A Thing for Eli. Look for... Tampa's Doug Martin will face a huge test this week against the best front four in the NFL.

Baltimore (1-0) at Philadelphia (1-0) - Michael Vick threw four INTs last week but the Eagles still won. That's hard to do. This is just the third meeting between these teams since Art packed up the Browns in 1996. Home team gets the nod in this one, and it could be a shoot-out.

New Orleans (0-1) at Carolina (0-1) - Who would have thought these two teams would be 0-1 to start the year? Drew "The Autumn" Brees is 4-0 in the last two years against the Panthers. Was the Saints' inability to stop anything on defense (458 yards just from Griffin and Alfred Morris together; 40 points) an aberration? Will the Saints do better than 2 of 11 on third down conversions? Dat will become clearer this week.

Houston (1-0) at Jacksonville (0-1) - Blaine Gabbert looked remarkably good last week, but against the Vikings so take it with a grain of salt. Still, his offensive line did a good job containing last year's sack leader, giving him time to complete some silly-accurate passes. On the other hand, the Houston Texans. They're done building/rebuilding. They have the quarterback and the running game and should take this one handily.

Dallas (1-0) at Seattle (0-1) - This is the first Cowboys trip to Seattle since the 2007 Wild Card game when Tony "No" Romo fumbled away a chance to win. Hahahaha wasn't that great? Anyway, overall America's Team has ruined the Seahawks in the Cowboys' last three wins, totaling 866 yards through the air, with 8 TDs and just 1 INT. Look for... Fantasy waiver wire sexy-time receiver Kevin Ogletree. That's all, just look for him. He'll either repeat his Week 1 performance or he won't; either way, the announcers won't shut up about him.

Washington (1-0) at St. Louis (0-1) - The Rams picked three Matthew Stafford passes, which kept the score close against the Lions last week. Having said that, the Lions still managed 429 yards against the Rams. The Redskins racked up 473 yards on offense last week. Oh, and 40 points.

NY Jets (1-0) at Pittsburgh (0-1) - Yes, the Jets mashed the Bills for 48 points and the Steelers lost last week. But! The Jets were playing the Bills and the Steelers had a 19-14 advantage over the Broncos in the fourth quarter and the Broncos' quarterback is Peyton Manning who is still Peyton Manning. Mark "Dirty" Sanchez is not Peyton Manning.

Tennessee (0-1) at A Whale's Vagina (1-0) - San Diego has never lost to the Titans. Philip Rivers is 4-0 against the Titans. Chris Johnson rushed 11 times for four yards last week (which is a shame because he's a cool dude but MAN step it up!). Jake "The Hurt" Locker has nobody to throw it to. Yikes.

SNF Detroit (1-0) at San Francisco (1-0) - Holding Green Bay's offense to 22 points is like holding 2009 Chris Johnson to four yards, so credit to the Niners' defense. Detroit's poor offensive showing against the Rams last week was probably a fluke, but they haven't won in San Francisco since 197-freakin'-5.

Monday
Denver (1-0) at Atlanta (1-0) - Champ Bayleaf and Tracy Porter are going to be busy as hell trying to cover Julio Jones and Roddy White in this one and if the Falcons decide to use Michael "11 carries for 32 yards" Turner to eat some clock and keep Peyton off the field, they should get the W.