NFL Week 3 Predicitons

Last week: 9-7
Season: 20-12

All right, bounce-back week, here we go now.

Thursday
NY Giants (1-1) at Carolina (1-1) - Remember when Eli Manning was a hapless loser, and those Citizen watch ads were hilarious? No? Anyway, both of these teams put up huge numbers on offense last week, with Eli having a career-best 510-yard (!!!) passing day on top of three INTs and Cam "Fig" Newton putting up 324 total yards. The Giants won't have Ahmad Bradshaw but who needs a running game these days?

Sunday
St. Louis (1-1) at Chicago (1-1) - The Rams haven't had a two-game winning streak since 2010. The Bears looked awful against the Packers last Thursday, but that's the Packers. Steven Jackson's groin shouldn't be an issue, but Matt Forté's ankle might keep him (Matt Forté) out of the game. The Bears have dominated the last few times these teams have met, and that shouldn't change this week. Look for... The Bears' special teams might be the key to this game.

Buffalo (1-1) at Cleveland (0-2) - Psyduck Stat of the Week: In three of the past four games these teams have played, the average total points scored is 12 (8-0, 6-3, and 13-6). Brandon Weeden got 2,180% better in Week 2 (5.1 QB rating in Week 1; 114.9 in Week 2) but still lost. C.J. Spiller was awesome again last week (170 total yards, 2 TDs) and will be again.

Tampa Bay (1-1) at Dallas (1-1) - DARE TO DREAM. The Cowboys are 12-3 all-time against the Bucs. The Bucs farted away a 14-point lead last week. BUT! The Cowboys only put up 296 total yards against Seattle (SEATTLE!) last week. The Cowboys are 7-9 at home since 2010. The Bucs had three picks against the Giants last week and looked sharp until the end. Look for... Josh Freeman better pray he doesn't have to take a knee at the end of this game.

NY Jets (1-1) at Miami (1-1) - This one is a toss-up to me. Mark Sanchez couldn't complete a pass to save his job for three quarters last week. Reggie Bush put up ridiculous, what-we-expected-six-years-ago numbers (172 yards, 2 TDs) last week. Perspective: Sanchez was helpless against the Steelers and Bush and the 'Fins were stellar against the Raiders. The Jets are juuuust this side of mo'-betta than the Dolphins so they get the nod.

San Francisco (2-0) at Minnesota (1-1) - Fun Fact: The 49ers haven't won in Minnesota since 1992. Corollary fun fact: The 49ers haven't been this good since approximately 1992. This is a game I hope is on my TV Sunday afternoon even though I feel certain I'm getting St. Louis/Chicago on Fox. This game is my official Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Kansas City (0-2) at New Orleans (0-2) - Hm. Maybe the Saints did need Sean Payton calling plays. And now that they're not getting paid cash to murder people, their defense has been amaze-balls awful (league-worst 922 yards, 75 points allowed). The good news for the Saints is the Chiefs are equally terrible in that they've also allowed 75 points per game. Unless the over/under is triple digits, take the over. Hell, even then.

Detroit (1-1) at Tennessee (0-2) - The last time these teams met was in 2008, and the Lions were destroyed 47-10. Oh wait, that was also the year the Lions went 0-16. The Titans don't have an offense: Jake Locker has more rushing yards on four carries than Chris Johnson has on 19. Johnson would need 100 carries at his current yards-per-carry average (1.1) to get 110 yards. Their passing game is crap, too.

Jacksonville (0-2) at Indianapolis (1-1) - "BARF!" Parity my black ass. The Jaguars are going to be terrible for a long, long time unless they make some changes in the front office. Last week, Jacksonville gained 117 total effing yards to Houston's 411. Nobody's hitting the panic button in Jacksonville? Nobody wants to bench Blarf Barfberf (also: Pain Gagbarf)? It's painfully obvious that Shahid Khan is just running out the clock until he can move the team to Los Angeles, but unless pieces are in place to at least win some of the time, nobody in LA is gonna come see the team either.

Cincinnati (1-1) at Washington (1-1) - PEW PEW PEW! That's the sound of a shootout, folks! WEEEEE DOGGIES! The 'Skins returned to Earth a bit last week in the loss to St. Louis but Robert "Stewart Gilligan" Griffin III still had three TDs. Andy Dalton also had three TDs last week. Washington's defense will at least be able to stop the Bengals' offense once or twice, so they got the nod.

Philadelphia (2-0) at Arizona (2-0) - Zuh!? Both of these teams are 2-0? AND the Cardinals played the Pats last week!? The Eagle are losing 4.5 turnovers per week and still eking out wins, and they should win here in their second-straight all-bird mascot matchup.

Atlanta (2-0) at A Whale's Vagina (2-0) - Two not-as-surprising 2-0 teams here. The Dirty Birds' last loss to Saint Diego came in 1988. Atlanta's defense was scary-good last week. The last time these teams met was 2008 and Philip "My Favorite Skinny Puppy Song Might Be" Rivers had a Weedenesque 7.5 QB rating that game.

Houston (2-0) at Denver (1-1) - "Hooray!" said the Texans. "Peyton Manning left our divison!" "Screw you," said the NFL schedulers. "You still have to play him." The elder Manning is 16-2 all-time against the Texans, and he's still playing for a horse mascot team.

Pittsburgh (1-1) at Oakland - This one might be sloppy and gross or it might be a blowout but either way Ben Roflburger and the Stillers get the W.

(SNF) New England (1-1) at Baltimore (1-1) - The Ravens have never beaten the Patriots since Art packed up the Browns in 1996. Coming off an embarrassing loss to the Cardinals last week, the Pats are going to look to murder somebody. Even without Aaron Hernandez, and even against the Ravens, that can happen here. Fun Fact: Without looking it up, how old is Kellen Winslow?

Monday
Green Bay (1-1) at Seattle (1-1) - Ummm... not even close. The combined scores of the last three games these two teams have played is 117-47 in favor of the cheeseheads.