NFL Predictions Week 11

What the hell happened last week, man? Upsets all over the damn place. I think this was my worst week since the scab refs were sent back to the ACC where they belong.

Last week: 7-6
Season: 91-54

Thursday
Miami (4-5) at Buffalo (3-6)- Miami got smoked by the Titans last week (!?!?!) so they'll be looking to tighten up against a team they've beaten six out of the last eight times they played. The defense I've talked up in the past was on the field last week a lot due to three INTs, so let's hope the Dolphins have that sorted out.

Sunday
Arizona (4-5) at Atlanta (8-1) - BIIIIIRD FIIIIGHT! The Falcons got their first loss out of the way last week as they played like garbage against the Saints (18 team rushes for 46 yards against the worst rush defense in the league [177 yards per game]). The Cardinals, by comparison, have been playing like garbage since September, losing their last five games. Remember when they beat the Patriots in Week 2? Hahaha. Anyway, you could argue that the Falcons haven't played the toughest Ds in the world, and you'd be right, and you could argue that the Falcons have only rushed for more than 100 yards twice this season and you'd be right again, AND you could argue that the Cardinals still have the league's 2nd-best pass defense and- Hey, shut up for a second! Jesus. The Cardinals have scored a total of 53 points in their last five games and that ain't gonna cut the mustard against the Falcons' D.

Cleveland (2-7) at Dallas (4-5) - Last week I turned the Cowboys/Eagles game on just in time to see a punt returned all the way followed by a pick six breaking what was a tie game wide open. Dallas has looked butt-awful at times this year but the Browns have looked worse more often. This ought to be the Cowboys' first home win since Sept. 23.

Green Bay (6-3) at Detroit (4-5) - The last time these teams met (Jan. 1, 2012), it looked like the 1997 North Hollywood bank robbery as Matthew Stafford and Matt Flynn (haha remember him? What's he up to? Oh, right getting paid millions to watch football games in Seattle) combined for 1,000 passing yards and ELEVEN TOUCHDOWNS. The Packers won that one 45-41 and let's hope we're treated to another shootout.

Cincinnati (4-5) at Kansas City (1-8) - If there's a team in the league worse than the Browns, it'd be the Chiefs. At home this year they're scoring 16.5 points a game on average, and giving up 4.3 turnovers PER GAME. Yes, the Chiefs only threw one INT last week and yes they forced overtime against the Steelers but come on, man. The Benglas looked less Bungles last week as Andy Dalton and Jay Gruden's offense scored four touchdowns to four different receivers in a 31-13 thrashing of the Giants.

NY Jets (3-6) at St. Louis (3-5-1) - Ugh. Ties. Both of these teams are a complete disaster lately. They're both on long not-winning (you can't say "losing" because of the goddamn tie) streaks and who knows they could play to a 0-0 tie and just fart all over each other for 75 minutes. Anyway, the Rams are 7-1 against the Jets since 1986, so there's a fact.

Philadelphia (3-6) at Washington (3-6) - The way things are going in the NFC East lately, the Giants could make the playoffs with a 6-10 record. Nick Foles had some flashes of brilliance in what I saw of his time on the field last week against Dallas, but mostly looked helpless (although that's also because he had like 8 minutes to climb out of a hole his team dug itself into). He'll do better this week, but not by much. The Redskins are coming off a bye which might give them the edge. By the way, after that 4th quarter pick six, the camera showed Andy Reid on the sideline and I could see him realize that was the interception that cost him his job.

The most Philly image ever

Tampa Bay (5-4) at Carolina (2-7) - Tampa Bay has won three straight games (and it would've been five if they hadn't been jobbed against New Orleans), has the fourth-most points in the league, and the third-best points per game average. I'm gonna dare to dream a bit here and say that with the offense (finally) firing they'll be able to overcome a bipolar defense (best against the run, worst against the pass) and replicate their Week 1 victory against the Panthers here. Plus the Kitties are 0-4 in their last four home games. So I'll make this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Jacksonville (1-8) at Houston (8-1) - ahahahahahaha the last time these teams met, the Texans outgained the Jaguars 411-117. Houston's won their last three; Jacksonville's lost their last SIX.

New Orleans (4-5) at Oakland (3-6) - As you'd expect from a trip to a place known as Bodymore, Murderland the Raiders had grievous harm done to them last week in a 55-10 loss to the Ravens. How shitty are the Raiders? They actually gained 422 yards in that game. Think about how terrible you have to be to gain that many yards and then score so few points. Not that the Saints have been doing much better either at 4-5. All in all, expect the Saints to just throw forever and see what happens.

Indianapolis (6-3) at New England (6-3) - These teams have met 12 times in the past nine seasons, partly because it makes sense the AFC's road to the Super Bowl would go through Tom Brady and Peyton Manning and partly because if I were in charge of NFL scheduling I'd be a big dumb baby not to make them dance around like dolls before doing weird things with them. Anywho, Peyton Manning's not on the Colts anymore (you may have heard something about that during the offseason) and Andrew Luck (the next franchise QB in Indy) has 2 TDs and 7 INTs in road games this year.

San Diego (4-5) at Denver (6-3) - Speaking of Peyton Manning (look how old that phone is!)... The other horse team is on a four-game winning streak which began against... the Chargers. Ruh-roh! In their past six games against the Broncos in Denver, San Diego are 5-1. It's worth mentioning that Peyton Manning was the Denver QB in 0 of those six games.

(SNF) Baltimore (7-2) at Pittsburgh (6-3) - Oh, dear. I'm sure this game looked much better before Ben "Maybe Rapist" Roethlisberger was benched for Byron Leftwich. Anywho, the Ravens are red-hot and the Steelers struggled against the Chiefs and it's nap time so Flacco, et al. get the nod.

Monday
Chicago (7-2) at San Francisco (6-2-1) - Jay Cutler and Alex Smith suffered concussions last Sunday so in order to keep their brains from leaking out of their ears, the Bears and 49ers could start Jason Campbell and Colin Kaepernick, respectively. Which makes this game perfect for Monday Night. Anyway, Alex Smith might be closer to coming back but either way the Niners get the nod.