NFL Predictions Week 13

Another rough week last week. The Thanksgiving games being fairly obvious picks saved my bacon. Of course, I thought a lot of those Sunday picks were obvious (Pittsburgh, Tennessee) and look how that shook out.

Last week: 9-7
Season: 112-63

Thursday
New Orleans (5-6) at Atlanta (10-1) - Drew Brees as a Saint is 11-2 against the Falcons, including Week 10's 31-27 win against these same Falcons. The Saints are a different team this year, though. They're not as cohesive. They'll still put up a ton of points but they'll also allow a ton and I think the Falcons edge it out here.

Sunday Jacksonville (2-9) at Buffalo (4-7) - Of course this is my CBS early game. Barf. If Chad Henne wants what's best for his team, he will stab Blaine Gabbert in his throwing arm. Henne has combined for 615 yards and six TDs in the two games he's seen action in. The Jaguars beat the Titans last week, buuuut the Titans are pretty bad. The Bills are at least a little less bad and should edge the Jaguars here.

Seattle (6-5) at Chicago (8-3) - I kinda dropped the ball on the Bears pick last week, but I figured Cutler would be out and I was too lazy to change my pick after I heard he was good to go. Meh. The Seahawks are just 1-5 on the road; the Bears are 5-1. The Seahawks allow 16.8 points/game; the Bears allow 15.9. A 14-7 final score.

Indianapolis (7-4) at Detroit (4-7) - The Colts are 5-1 in their last six games (CHUCKSTRONG); the Lions have lost three straight. Look for... Jim Schwartz will have the challenge flag literally stapled to his ass.

Minnesota (6-5) at Green Bay (7-4) - The Vikings are 1-3 in their last four games. The Packers got roughed up by the Giants last week, but were 5-0 going into that game. Greg Jennings could make a return in this one, but it's not like he's the one piece the Packers need to win (the Packers are 5-2 without him). Kyle Rudolph might be out with a concussion; that's a bigger deal for the Vikings' offense, but it won't be a game-changer if he's on the field.

Houston (10-1) at Tennessee (4-7) - The Texans stomped the Titans mightily in Week 4 (38-14). Jake Locker got knocked out of that game; he's back now, and completing a whopping 51.6% of his passes. The Texans don't have any linebackers left, but even with their defense depleted they'll be able to handle the Titans in 60 minutes- no overtime needed.

Carolina (3-8) at Kansas Shitty (1-10) -

Huuaaagh.

As gut-wrenchingly awful as these two teams are, I'm still making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. The Chiefs aren't turning the ball over as willy-nilly as they were (three in their last three games as opposed to 3.6 per game in the first eight games), but they're still not scoring for shit (four straight with less than 14 points; 14.6 points/game average for the year). Even the Panthers can top that. Oh and congratulations to the Chiefs for being the first team to be eliminated from the playoffs. Have a party.

San Francisco (8-2-1) at St. Louis (4-6-1) - These teams will meet again and try to play to a win. Three weeks ago, Alex Smith was the QB for the Niners. This time, Colin Kaepernick will probably be under center. I'd rather have a quarterback with a huge snoot than one with baby hands, and it seems like Jim Harbaugh's teeth agree.

New England (8-3) at Miami (5-6) - What do you need to know? Tawm is 14-6 against Miami in his career.

Arizona (4-7) at NY Jets (4-7) -

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Cardinals are garbage; the only reason there's not a similar video for them is because they have no fans. "Oh well," say Arizonans, "our team is losing at halftime. Let's leave now and go back to smoking meth in our trailers and having our skin turned into beef jerky by the desert sun."

Tampa Bay (6-5) at Denver (8-3) - The Broncos are getting exactly what they wanted and expected when they signed Peyton Manning. They lead the AFC West, and have won six straight. Peyton has thrown 2+ TDs nine times in 11 games, and has at least 270 passing yards for nine straight. The Bucs, on the other hand, were on a four-game streak before losing by one friggin' point to the Falcons last week. This will be another close game, but in the end I see it coming down to whichever QB can lead a 4th-quarter comeback last.

Cincinnati (6-5) at San Diego (4-7) - The Chargers are 1-6 in their last seven, with their lone win coming against awful Kansas City. The Bengals are on a three-game win streak in which they've scored 93 points. Cincy QB Andy Dalton has 9 TDs and 0 INTs during those three games. If I was in the Chargers' front office, I'd have gone Lovecraft insane thinking about Eli Manning and Drew Brees compared to our QB.

Pittsburgh (6-5) at Baltimore (9-2) - The Stillers better g-d hope Ben Roethlisberger is back this week. EIGHT turnovers to the Browns last week. Not all of them were Charlie Batch's fault, but still. Gaddamn. Anyway, it won't really matter in the end. The Ravens are the better team.

Cleveland (3-8) at Oakland (3-8) - Holy God. Two awful teams go ass to ass to see who can poop and fart all over themselves more. Brandon Weeden might be out with a concussion but it's not like Colt McCoy is gonna be a miracle-worker or anything.

(SNF) Philadelphia (3-8) at Dallas (5-6) - The Eagles are a big shitty mess basically running out the clock on the rest of their season. The Cowboys still think they have a shot at the playoffs, which is cute, but as long as they're matched up against hapless 3-8 teams, they'll prevail.

Monday
NY Giants (7-4) at Washington (5-6) - NFC East matchups in primetime, eh? Okay, NFL schedulers. Anyway, for mouthbreathers who like watching home run derbies, this game will be entertaining as hell. Eli Manning threw three TDs against the Packers last week, and RGTheThird threw four TDs (for the second straight game) on Thanksgiving. With the Giants' secondary struggling as it is, and RG3's strategy of "Fuck it, goin' deep" coming together, this one will be full of scoring.