NFL Predictions Week 12

Happy Turkey Day!

I'm updating this on Saturday. I'd just like to point out I was 3/3 on Thanksgiving picks. Heh. The one thing I didn't predict was how high-scoring all three games would be. In another pick 'em, I said the combined score of all three games would be 150 points, and that was way high compared to everyone else's prediction. The total was like 202 or something equally insane-balls. And how about Fireman Ed on Thanksgiving? Just sitting there with a thousand-yard stare like somebody shot his dog. Gobble gobble!

Last week: 12-2
Season: 103-56

Thursday
Houston (9-1) at Detroit (4-6) - The Texans are allowing less than two TDs a game on the road this year (13.7 points/game) and are rolling. The Lions committed four turnovers last week against the Packers.

Washington (4-6) at Dallas (5-5) - This one could be a shootout. Robert Griffin The Third threw for 200 yards even and FOUR TDs on just 14 completions (out of 15 attempts). Yowza. All the highlights I saw of the 'Skins last week were RG3 heaving the ball deep to either triple-covered or blown-coverage-wide-open Santana Moss. Exciting stuff. Anywho, obviously neither of these teams are spectacular so it'll probably come down to who has the ball last in a 63-56 shootout.

New England (7-3) at NY Jets (4-6) - The Jets cost me a chance to win some free cigars and BBQ tools last week with their win over the Rams last week, ruining a 100% accuracy rate on Sunday's games. So you may have heard Rob "The Big" Gronkowski broke his arm blocking on a garbage-time PAT (and there's a whole blog post in the discussion about why or why not your star TE should be blocking on a PAT when you're up by 28) but it won't matter. Wes Welker and Julian Edelman and Brandon Lloyd and Tawm and Stevan Ridley will be just fine.

Sunday
Minnesota (6-4) at Chicago (7-2) - This pick hinges on Jay Cutler's concussed brain. Jason Campbell's non-concussed but still-awful brain might be getting murdered by the Vikings' defense.

Oakland (3-7) at Cincinnati (5-5) - Cincy stomped the Chiefs by 22 points (yeah, the Chiefs, but still) last week and the Giants by 18 the game before that. Oakland have lost by 10, 35, and 21. Take the over. The Raiders are allowing points like it's their job (it's not) and the Bengals are scoring points like it's theirs (it is).

Pittsburgh (6-4) at Cleveland (2-8) - Barf. The Steelers are 16-1 in the past 17 games between these two, and even with Charles K. Batch under center, the Steelers won't have much trouble making it 17-1 in 18.

Buffalo (4-6) at Indianapolis (6-4) - Indy lost to the Pats last week, in large part thanks to four Andrew "Irish" Luck INTs, including two picks-six. Luck is a good QB and will make adjustments, though. The Bills' passing defense is mediocre and won't force the same mistakes the Pats did.

Denver (7-3) at Kansas City (1-9) - Fun fact: as nightmarishly shitty as the Chiefs have been this year (seven-game losing streak in which they've never scored more than 20 points; averaging 12 points/game) they are still not eliminated from the playoffs. As a contrast sure to upset sweet old ladies not afraid to tell Chiefs players they need to start winning some games, Peyton "Rub Some Dirt on It" Manning is racking up 295 yards/game with 13 total TDs in the Broncos' five-game winning streak. Willis McGahee is out and Ronnie Hillman is expected to start. Hillman had ~3,000 yards rushing in two seasons for San Diego State. I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Seattle (6-4) at Miami (4-6) - Speaking of losing streaks and 12[.3] points a game, the Dolphins. The Seahawks are 6-4 only because they've played five games at home. They're 1-4 on the road this year but ought to make it 2-4 against a Dolphins defense that has been unable to force any turnovers in their losing skid.

Atlanta (9-1) at Tampa Bay (6-4) - "The Bucs are on a four-game losing streak and look like poo as usual and oh God fire everyone." That's a macro I have ready to go whenever the Bucs play. They're actually on a four-game winning streak despite getting jobbed on a Doug Martin "fumble" towards the end of last week's OT win against the Panthers. They're putting up 34.8 points and 403 total yards per game in their last four. Having said that, the Falcons are playing really well. So well, in fact, that last week they won despite SIX turnovers including 5 Matty Ice INTs. If he does that again this week, though, the Dirty Birds will be 9-2.

Tennessee (4-6) at Jacksonville (1-9) - Another fun fact: the Jags are also not eliminated from playoff contention this year. Nobody is, actually. Anywho, the Jags almost beat the Texans last week, which is weird. But the Titans have this Chris Johnson back and the Jaguars have the 29th-ranked run D to go with a 28th-ranked pass D. They're really, really bad on both sides of the ball. Hopefully last week's 354-yard performance by Chad "Not Blaine Gabbert" Henne will prove to whatever decision-making-chicken that sets Jacksonville's depth chart that Blaine Gabbert is not the future of the franchise.

Baltimore (8-2) at San Diego (4-6) - The Chargers only have two wins in their past eight games, both against the Chiefs. The Ravens are 3-0 this month, putting up 93 points to opponents' 45. San Diego is kind of a mess right now, but watch this Danario Alexander kid. He's had three TDs in the last two games after riding pine for the first six games of the season.

St. Louis (3-6-1) at Arizona (4-6) - Ewwwww. The Rams are winless in their last five. The Cards are winless in their last six. Home team (and team which forced six turnovers last week) gets the nod.

San Francisco (6-2-1) at New Orleans (5-5) - Drew Brees has been on fire lately, with 18 TDs in the Saints' past six games. These teams last met in last year's playoffs and it was a ridiculous high-scoring affair. Don't expect anything different this time around.

(SNF) Green Bay (7-3) at NY Giants (6-4) - The Packers are hot now with a five-game win streak and the Giants are 0-2 in November. This is another 2011 playoff rematch (the Giants won that one) and ought to be damn good. If the NFC East keeps losing, the Giants could make the playoffs as a 6-10 team and I can't even begin to tell you how badly I want that to happen.

Monday
Carolina (2-8) at Philadelphia (3-7) - Who even cares? This is a terrible matchup between two terrible teams. LeSean McCoy is concussed and Michael Vick can't read a Dr. Seuss book- and that was before his concussion (HI-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!). Seriously, though, Vick is severely concussed and will probably never function at the level he did before this- which is good for dogs and women without herpes (HI-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!). I kid, I kid. Wishing you a full and speedy recovery, Ron.