NFL Predictions Week 17

Sunday
Tampa Bay (6-9) at Atlanta (13-2)

NY Jets (6-9) at Buffalo (5-10)

Baltimore Ravens (10-5) at Cincinnati (9-6)

Chicago (9-6) at Detroit (4-11)

Jacksonville (2-13) at Tennessee (5-10)

Houston (12-3) at Indianapolis (10-5)

Carolina (6-9) at New Orleans (7-8)

Philadelphia (4-11) at NY Giants (8-7)

Cleveland (5-10) at Pittsburgh (7-8)

Kansas City (2-13) at Denver (12-3) - 1.32% of ESPN Pigskin Pick 'Em users think KC has a chance to win this one.

Green Bay (11-4) at Minnesota (9-6)

Miami (7-8) at New England (11-4)

Oakland (4-11) at San Diego (6-9)

Arizona (5-10) at San Francisco (10-4-1)

St. Louis (7-7-1) at Seattle (10-5) - The Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

(SNF) Dallas (8-7) at Washington (9-6)

NFL Predictions Week 16

Blah blah blah tired Mayan joke blah blah. Frankly, I'll be glad when all this is over. By which I mean a) this nonsense talk of the Mayan apocalypse or b) this gay Earth. It's win-win, really. And how great is it that we get a week of football without the twin travesties of Thursday and Monday Night Football? Win-win-win.

Last week: 8-8
Season: 139-84

Maya Apocalypse

Saturday
Atlanta (12-2) at Detroit (4-10) - I feel like the Lions ought to be closer to 8-6 or something because it seems like every week I pick against them but they win. Anyway, the Lions in fact are on a six-game losing streak and the Falcons just blanked the Giants.

Sunday
New Orleans (6-8) at Dallas (8-6) - The Cowboys are on a three-game winning streak, and they've won all three of them by five or fewer points. The Saints, on the other hand, snapped a three-game losing streak against the Bucs last week. Drew Brees has a total of 736 yards and 6 TDs in just two career games in Dallas. This one will be a shootout.

Cincinnati (8-6) at Pittsburgh (7-7) - As much as I'd like to see Jay Gruden and the Bengals win here, I just don't see it happening. This ought to be a hell of a game, though, as the Bengals can clinch a playoff spot with a win an the Steelers are fighting for a shot just to have a chance to try to maybe make the playoffs.

Tennessee (5-9) at Green Bay (10-4) - Remember when the Packers started the season 2-3? Hahaha, what was that about? Anyway, even with a resurgent Chris Johnson, the Titans can't stop the well-oiled Green Bay Packers. Mmmm... oiled up Clay Matthews... I MEAN! Uh... The Pack are 8-1 in their last nine and this will be their seventh straight win at Lambeau.

Indianapolis (9-5) at Kansas City (2-12) - Cheer up, Chiefs fans! Last year the Colts went 2-14 and drafted Andrew Luck and look where they are now! Why, with a loss here you'll really cement your chance to draft Matt Barkley in April! He'll follow in the footsteps of other great USC quarterbacks like Matt Leinart, erm... Carson Palmer, and, uh, Mark Sanchez. Hmmm... on second thought, maybe hope for that Nibiru cataclysm thing.

Buffalo (5-9) at Miami (6-8) - Eh, home team gets the nod. The Bills got smoked last week 50-17 against the Seahawks, which I only mention because any time an NFL game ends in an NCAA-esque score, I get excited. Anyway, the Bills did beat the Dolphins 19-14 in Week 11 but who knows? Both of these teams are shit.

San Diego (5-9) at NY Jets (6-8) - And speaking of shit, the NY Jets announced earlier this week that Mark Sanchez will be benched. FINALLY the Tebow era can beg- what? Who? The GOLFER?? That can't be right.

Washington (8-6) at Philadelphia (4-10) - The Redskins won their fifth straight game last week with Kirk's cousin at the QB spot. This week, R2D2 is expected to return. Artoo threw 4 TDs in a 31-6 Week 11 victory over the Eagles earlier this season.

St. Louis (6-7-1) at Tampa Bay (6-8) - Hooboy. Home team gets the nod here but the Bucs have looked so helpless lately that it wouldn't surprise me if the Rams look like the Kurt Warner Rams of old.

Oakland (4-10) at Carolina (5-9) - Suddenly the Panthers look unstoppable. Sadly for them it only comes after they've been stoppable nine times this year. The Raiders are a disaster wherever they play but it's worth mention that they're 1-5 on the road so far this year, with that lone W coming against the Chiefs.

New England (10-4) at Jacksonville (2-12) - Fun fact: the Jaguars average 11.1 points per game at home. The Patriots average 36.1 no matter where they play.

Minnesota (8-6) at Houston (12-2) - The Texans can get a first-round bye with a win here, and they probably will get the W. The big story for Minnesota is Adrian Peterson's eight consecutive games with 100 or more rushing yards, and his chance to break Eric Dickerson's single-season rushing record of 2,105 yards. AP is just 293 yards shy of football immortality.

Cleveland (5-9) at Denver (11-3) - Fun fact: The Broncos are 21-5 all-time against the Browns, including nine straight by a combined score of 229-108.

Chicago (8-6) at Arizona (5-9) - Whaddya know, the Cardinals won a game for the first time since September. The Bears started the year 8-1; the Cards 4-0. The Cardinals are only scoring 16 points per game this year while the Bears' D allows just 17.1. Advantage: Bears. As such, I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

NY Giants (8-6) at Baltimore (9-5) - The G-Men have been on a bit of a skid lately, losing by a combined score of 82-29 in their last three road losses. The Ravens have also lost three straight following a 34-17 loss to the Broncos last week. Who knows, though? The Giants could go 9-7 and repeat as Super Bowl champs.

(SNF) San Francisco (10-3-1) at Seattle (9-5) - The Seahawks have won their last three games by a combined score of 131-34. They annihilated the Cardinals and stomped the Bills to death in their last two, 108-17. The 49ers had a 31-3 lead over the Pats last Sunday night before pissing it away in the fourth quarter. Of course, they came back in that one but against a team that forced 11 turnovers in its last two games.... ehhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno.

Cigar Review - Pura Sangre Churchill

I remember not that long ago seeing an ad somewhere for a new company called Ventura Cigars announcing the release of their cigars. They were so proud of them that all you had to do was go online, give them your address, and they'd send you two cigars free; all they wanted in return was... well, I don't remember. Like them on Facebook, or send them a review... something. I love free stuff, so I immediately signed up and not long after got my no-shit two free cigars in the mail. I stuck 'em in my "humidor" and forgot about them for a while.I really wish I had left this one there.

a box of poison

This evening I decided to go with the Pura Sangre, since it was a Churchill coming in at a nice 7x52. I'm not thrilled with the 6x60 nonsense I've been seeing tons of (or the 64-gauge Inch by EP Carillo although in fairness I haven't tried that one yet), so longer, thinner cigars have been what I look for. Yes, yes, Dr. Freud blah blah.

Even before I took it out of the cello, I noticed a rather obvious roll line curving its way up the stick, plus some fat veins in the wrapper. I was fully expecting the cigar to comically unravel at some point. Another knock against the appearance is the band. I have no idea what the heck is going on there but it's ugly and bland; it doesn't catch my eye. It's not a huge knock, but it's a knock all the same.

Once out of the cello, the foot and wrapper gave off an earthy aroma. It wasn't immediately appealing, but some of the better cigars I've had have smelled like straight-up shit so I wasn't concerned. It actually got me expecting good things. I gave it a straight cut and found it was actually a bit tough to cut through. I don't have a fancy cutter, just a $10 job I got a while ago, but it's handled other cigars with no problem. The foot looked pretty nice: densely packed, clean and tight. The prelight draw was tight-ish and gave more of the earthy, leathery taste.

Maybe that dense foot was the reason it was such a bitch to get lit. Maybe it was my cigardian angel (har!) trying to keep me from smoking it. Whatever it was, my Bic (I don't have a three-flame torch lighter or cedar strips or whatever else) got surface-of-the-sun hot before the cigar was entirely lit.

Once lit, the draw loosened up considerably. The first few puffs yielded none of the tobacco, earth, spice, leather, cedar, or anything else promised from the wrapper. In fact, the only flavor I got was a dusty/musty one with a hint of onion/garlic sometimes. It was like rimming out a mummy's butthole. There wasn't a dry finish like I'd expect. In fact, there was almost zero finish. None. Which was kind of nice, actually, since the flavor wasn't one you wanted to have stick around.

So why did I continue to smoke it? Well, I had it in my head to do a review and I figured to be fair I ought to do the whole thing (or at least more than the first inch) to see if it changed. Thankfully, it eventually did.

The musty/dusty flavor continued on through maybe the first half before it mercifully vanished. It was replaced with a generic cigar flavor with a bit of gamey meat flavor to it. This would be the sweet spot, I suppose, but yeesh. Boring. You could package the middle third with a white band that just said "CIGAR" on it.

The final third hit generic spicy notes with a hot pepper mouthfeel.

Overall, the cigar was loose as hell. It took me about an hour to smoke, and it was a Churchill! The burn was all over the place, and it felt like the cigar needed constant maintenance to stay lit; either touch-ups from my lighter or puffing on it like a cartoon villain to keep the cherry hot.

Final verdict: The Pura Sangre is not fit for human consumption. While smoking it, I figured the price per stick would be about $4 which worked itself down to my imagining it to be part of those bundles where you get 20 cigars for $22. Imagine how quickly my jaw hit the floor when I saw that Tampa Humidor sells a single Churchill for $9.10, and $150.95 for a box of 20. Trololo. I could give you a numerical rating but what's the point? It's easily the worst cigar I've ever smoked.

A final fun note: the Ventura Cigar website seems to be down except for that one page, which makes me think this whole thing was either a Mafia money-laundering scheme or somebody lost a bet.

____________________________________
Boring disclaimer-y stuff
I'm not an expert and I don't claim to be. I'm a jerkoff with a Dell and an Internet connection. This cigar was provided free, but if you think that influenced my review at all, you're an idiot. I don't solicit freebies. That said, if you're a cigar maker and you want to send me free stuff, I won't say no. I guarantee a fair review. Anybody who wants to contact me can do so at NTredray /at\ g mail dot com. Me mentioning Tampa Humidor is not an endorsement or indictment.

NFL Predictions Week 15

Holy moley, last week's 1pm games were brutal to me: 3-7 just like that. I do a pick 'em contest at a cigar website and last week the prize was a 5-pack from Don Pepin Garcia. I cannot begin to tell you how badly I wanted to win, but I lost to some jackoff who picked not only a) the Chargers but b) the Panthers and c) the Jaguars. Plus I'm out of my fantasy playoffs.

...and everyone in it

Last week: 8-8
Season: 131-76

Thursday
Cincinnati (7-6) at Philadelphia (4-9) - Boy, what a garbage end to the Bucs/Eagles game last week. Both of these teams had their games come down to the final play last week with the Eagles getting lucky and the Bengals being unlucky. The Eagles looked like they haven't completely given up on the season but the Bucs looked like they were playing Madden with their "throw deep, throw deep, throw deep, punt" play-calling. Anyway, the Eagles are still kind of a mess and the Bengals maybe not as much. This is fun: even though they won last week, the Eagles are officially eliminated from the playoffs.

Sunday
NY Giants (8-5) at Atlanta (11-2) - Shoooo... this could be a good one if you like offense. The Giants had a huge week against the Saints last week: Eli threw four TDs and the G-Men put up 52 points. The last time these teams met was last year's wild card round when the Falcons lost 24-2 *snicker*. You'd think they'd put up at least one TD in this game, but who knows? Their run game is non-existent and the Giants have a fantastic front four.

Minnesota (7-6) at St. Louis (6-6-1) - Who knows. The Vikings surprised me by beating the Bears last week and the Rams are on a three-game winning streak, including a win over the vaunted 49ers. Christian Ponder and the Vikes are 1-5 on the road this year and the Rams are 4-3 at home. I'm giving the nod to the home team here.

Jacksonville (2-11) at Miami (5-8) - Eesh. Two teams out of the playoffs basically meeting up to see who drafts... I dunno, Heisman finalist Mantis Tebow or whoever. The Jags are 1-9 in their past 10; the Fins are 1-5 in their last six. The Dolphins have a surprisingly stout defense when it comes to third downs, though, so I'm giving them the nod here. This promises to be a low-scoring affair and anything can happen when two teams as awful as these meet, but I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Green Bay (9-4) at Chicago (8-5) - The Bears started the year 7-1 but have lost four of their last five. Sad trombone. Jay Cutler is 1-7 against the Pack following the Week 2 loss, and should be 1-8 Monday morning. The Packers clinch the NFC North with a win here.

Washington (7-6) at Cleveland (5-8) - Zuh?? The Redskins are on a four-game winning streak and the Browns are on a three-game streak?? Jinkies! Anyway, Robert "Are Gee Three" Griffin, III hasn't been ruled out for this game but he's got a bum knee which doesn't bode well. Even if Kirk Cousins starts, as Redskins head coach Pierre Garçon seems to think he will, the offense around him should be able to put up more points than the mummified remains of 129-year-old Brandon Weeden.

Tampa Bay (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8) - Both of these teams are riding three-game losing skids right out of the playoffs. The Bucs have kept it close in their losses, though, losing by a combined score of 11. The Saints, on the other hand, lost by 10 to the 49ers and the Falcons, and then by infinity points in a 52-27 stomping last week against the Giants. The Saints won the last matchup between these two in Week 7 despite the Bucs more or less matching New Orleans' scores one-for-one. I don't have a ton of faith in the Bucs' offense or defense at this point, at least as it relates to winning football games.

Denver (10-3) at Baltimore (9-4) - Can the Broncos extend their streak to nine wins? Why not? Ravens offensive coordinator Cam Cameron got canned in an effort to shake things up in Baltimore. Manning is still on a tear: still completing 70% of his passes, still throwing for a shade under 300 yards/game, and has thrown 19 TDs to 7 INTs during this streak. At this rate, the Broncos could rack up the most wins in the league. Don't discount the Ravens, though. They're in a "win and in" situation this week and will of course be playing hard. This ought to be a great game to watch.

Indianapolis (9-4) at Houston (11-2) - Peyton's former team is on a tear, too, going 7-1 in their past eight games. They're in a position to make the playoffs on their own if they can win here. The Texans got murdered last week against the Patriots, losing 42-14 in a game that was 21-0 at the half. But! They're 5-1 at home and 4-0 against the AFC South this year. The NFL Schedu-Matic 2000 has these teams meeting again in week 17 which might be good news for the Colts if the Texans are resting starters. As it is, Houston clinches the division with a win here, which they will get.

Detroit (4-9) at Arizona (4-9) - Yikes. The Lions have lost five straight and the Cardinals have lost nine straight, including a terrible 8-turnover 58-0 loss to Seattle last week. The Lions are less of a mess and get the nod here.

Carolina (4-9) at San Diego (5-8) - The Chargers aren't officially eliminated from the playoffs. The Panthers, despite an upset win last week, are. That doesn't mean the Panthers are going to play any less hard or that the Chargers will play any mo' betta, but against a weakish Carolina D, I like San Diego's chances.

Seattle (8-5) at Buffalo (5-8) - O Canada, eh? The Bills and the Seahawks better have their passpourts in order, because this one is being played in Touronto, Canada. Even though the Seahawks are 2-5 on the road this year, they did beat the Bears in their last away game which is no small feat, eh? And hey, they did just put up 58 points (against the Cardinals, but still).

Pittsburgh (7-6) at Dallas (7-6) - Hm. Despite both teams having winning records, this one might be sort of a shit-show. The Steelers lost to the Chargers last week, and the Cowboys can't seem to get it together. Dez Bryant has a broken finger, but it's not like the Cowboys have been 13-0 this year with him on the field.

Kansas City (2-11) at Oakland (3-10) - Ugh. The last time the Raiders won this year was Week 8 against the Chiefs. The last time the Chiefs won was when 11 white guys in leather helmets ran the wishbone against 11 other white guys in leather helmets^{[citation needed]}.

(SNF) San Francisco (9-3-1) at New England (10-3) - I don't care how good you allegedly are, if you can't beat the Rams you can't beat the Patriots. But hey, against a crap-ish Pats defense, the Niners ought to put up enough fireworks to keep eyes on the TV for the primetime matchup.

Monday
NY Jets (6-7) at Tennessee (4-9) - The Jets have been dismal on offense in their past six games; they've scored an average of 14.3 points/game. That might change against a Titans team allowing 32 points and 422 total yards per game at home this year.

NFL Predictions Week 14

Last week: 11-5
Season: 123-68

Thursday
Denver (9-3) at Oakland (3-9) - The Raiders will probably get Darren McFadden back, but against a defense that held the Buccaneers to 71 yards rushing, ehhhh. The Broncos killed the Raiders 37-6 in Week 4 and this one will end much the same way. Oakland will not be playing meaningful football in 2013 until September.

Sunday
St. Louis (5-6-1) at Buffalo (5-7) - Well, it only took 10 damn quarters but we finally found out the Rams can barely edge the 49ers this year. Neither of these teams has the power to dominate the other, especially with Danny Amendola and Steve Johnson questionable for the Rams and Bills respectively. Buffalo gets the edge with the NFL's 4th-best rushing attack (147.9 yards/game) against the Rams' middling rush defense.

Dallas (6-6) at Cincinnati (7-5) - Fun fact: The Cowboys are 3-3 on the road this year and the Bengals are 3-3 at home. Hm! The Cowboys are 3-1 in their last four games, but two of those wins are against the hapless Eagles. The Bengals are on a four-game win streak, and okay three of those were against the hapless-er AFC West but the fourth was against the Giants. The last time I praised Jay Gruden's offense, Cincy lost so I won't do it again.

Kansas City (2-10) at Cleveland (4-8) - Look, I could make rafts of tasteless jokes about how both of these teams have been hit by tragedy off (and on) the field and how if I was on the Chiefs or lived in Cleveland I'd be suicidal, too, but suicide isn't really funny to me this week. If you need help, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and get info from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, too.

Tennessee (4-8) at Indianapolis (8-4) - Hell yeah, let's bounce out of that Debbie Downer depression talk with some motherfuckin' LEUKEMIA! WOOOOOOOO! The Colts had a close shave against the Titans in Week 8, winning 19-13 in OT, and they're coming off an amazing comeback against the Lions but I think we'll see a wider gap between the scores this week. ESPN points out that the Colts have five wins by four or fewer points this year, but they'll take 'em. The Texans clinched a spot in the playoffs already, but if the season ended today the Colts would be the first Wild Card team.

Chicago (8-4) at Minnesota (6-6) - Fun fact: The Bears are 1-3 in their last four while the Vikings are 1-4 in their last five. Bears WRs Earl Bennett and Devin Hester are concussed; Vikings WR Percival J. Harvin, III is still out with (ankle). Chicago won against Minnesota in Week 12, and shouldn't have much difficulty going for seven straight wins over the Vikes in Week 14.

San Diego (4-8) at Pittsburgh (7-5) - Well, well. Flippin' Charlie Batch led the Stillers to a win against the Ravens last week. Ben "I Have to Call Him an 'Alleged' Rapist but I Can Call Him a 'Definite Asshole'" Roethlisberger will probably be out again, but even Batch can get a win against the Chargers here.

Philadelphia (3-9) at Tampa Bay (6-6) - The Bucs have dropped their last two after putting together a sweet four-game win streak. The Eagles have a streak of their own going: eight straight losses. They have not won a game since September. They are really awful this year. Bucs win by a bunch.

Baltimore (9-3) at Washington (6-6) - Joe Flacco looked pretty stink-o last week against Pittsburgh (16 of 34 for 188 yards, for example) and he plays poorly on the road (4 TDs, 4 INTs) so far. That said, the Redskins aren't the Steelers and this one ought to go to the Ravens.

Atlanta (11-1) at Carolina (3-9) - GIVE US CLAUSEN! This is a no-brainer pick. But hey, fun fact: as farty as the Panthers are, they're still not eliminated from the playoffs!

NY Jets (5-7) at Jacksonville (2-10) - The Jets are so bad Fireman Ed quit. The Jags are worse, of course, but they never had a superfan of their own to quit. (Perhaps Methman Justin? "M-E-T-H! *rest of stadium* METH! METH! METH!") Anyway, even with Rory(?) McElroy or whoever under center, the Jets will score barely enough points to edge the sad Jags. This here's my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF METH THE WEEK. Oh and btw the Jags are eliminated from playoff contention this year and probably the next four.

new team mascot

Miami (5-7) at San Francisco (8-3-1) - 49ers fans are hoping that Alex Smith has been relegated to the ash heap of history. Even though the Niners bizarrely couldn't beat the g-d Rams in 150 minutes of football, Colin Kaepernick is the wave of the future.

Arizona (4-8) at Seattle (7-5) - Like the Eagles, other-bird-mascot-team the Cardinals haven't won since September. The Cardinals beat yet-another-bird-mascot-team the Seahawks to open the season as they went 4-0 to start the year. Of course, I just told you what's happened since. Plus the Seahawks are 5-0 at home and shouldn't have much trouble making it 6-0 against Ryan Lindley and the Cards.

New Orleans (5-7) at NY Giants (7-5) - Drew Brees threw 5 INTs last week and broke his 435356-game streak of consecutive games with TD passes but Pew pew pew! We got a shootout in the works! 63-59 final score.

(SNF) Detroit (4-8) at Green Bay (8-4) - The Packers are 6-1 in their last seven games. The Lions are ... hell, I dunno, 0-5 in their last three? Green Bay beat Detroit 24-20 three weeks ago.

Monday
Houston (11-1) at New England (9-3) - Not sure if this counts as an upset or not. You've got the two highest-scoring offenses in the NFL playing here, but the Texans have the better defense by far and I do b'lieve that gives them the edge here.