NFL Predictions Week 16

Blah blah blah tired Mayan joke blah blah. Frankly, I'll be glad when all this is over. By which I mean a) this nonsense talk of the Mayan apocalypse or b) this gay Earth. It's win-win, really. And how great is it that we get a week of football without the twin travesties of Thursday and Monday Night Football? Win-win-win.

Last week: 8-8
Season: 139-84

Maya Apocalypse

Saturday
Atlanta (12-2) at Detroit (4-10) - I feel like the Lions ought to be closer to 8-6 or something because it seems like every week I pick against them but they win. Anyway, the Lions in fact are on a six-game losing streak and the Falcons just blanked the Giants.

Sunday
New Orleans (6-8) at Dallas (8-6) - The Cowboys are on a three-game winning streak, and they've won all three of them by five or fewer points. The Saints, on the other hand, snapped a three-game losing streak against the Bucs last week. Drew Brees has a total of 736 yards and 6 TDs in just two career games in Dallas. This one will be a shootout.

Cincinnati (8-6) at Pittsburgh (7-7) - As much as I'd like to see Jay Gruden and the Bengals win here, I just don't see it happening. This ought to be a hell of a game, though, as the Bengals can clinch a playoff spot with a win an the Steelers are fighting for a shot just to have a chance to try to maybe make the playoffs.

Tennessee (5-9) at Green Bay (10-4) - Remember when the Packers started the season 2-3? Hahaha, what was that about? Anyway, even with a resurgent Chris Johnson, the Titans can't stop the well-oiled Green Bay Packers. Mmmm... oiled up Clay Matthews... I MEAN! Uh... The Pack are 8-1 in their last nine and this will be their seventh straight win at Lambeau.

Indianapolis (9-5) at Kansas City (2-12) - Cheer up, Chiefs fans! Last year the Colts went 2-14 and drafted Andrew Luck and look where they are now! Why, with a loss here you'll really cement your chance to draft Matt Barkley in April! He'll follow in the footsteps of other great USC quarterbacks like Matt Leinart, erm... Carson Palmer, and, uh, Mark Sanchez. Hmmm... on second thought, maybe hope for that Nibiru cataclysm thing.

Buffalo (5-9) at Miami (6-8) - Eh, home team gets the nod. The Bills got smoked last week 50-17 against the Seahawks, which I only mention because any time an NFL game ends in an NCAA-esque score, I get excited. Anyway, the Bills did beat the Dolphins 19-14 in Week 11 but who knows? Both of these teams are shit.

San Diego (5-9) at NY Jets (6-8) - And speaking of shit, the NY Jets announced earlier this week that Mark Sanchez will be benched. FINALLY the Tebow era can beg- what? Who? The GOLFER?? That can't be right.

Washington (8-6) at Philadelphia (4-10) - The Redskins won their fifth straight game last week with Kirk's cousin at the QB spot. This week, R2D2 is expected to return. Artoo threw 4 TDs in a 31-6 Week 11 victory over the Eagles earlier this season.

St. Louis (6-7-1) at Tampa Bay (6-8) - Hooboy. Home team gets the nod here but the Bucs have looked so helpless lately that it wouldn't surprise me if the Rams look like the Kurt Warner Rams of old.

Oakland (4-10) at Carolina (5-9) - Suddenly the Panthers look unstoppable. Sadly for them it only comes after they've been stoppable nine times this year. The Raiders are a disaster wherever they play but it's worth mention that they're 1-5 on the road so far this year, with that lone W coming against the Chiefs.

New England (10-4) at Jacksonville (2-12) - Fun fact: the Jaguars average 11.1 points per game at home. The Patriots average 36.1 no matter where they play.

Minnesota (8-6) at Houston (12-2) - The Texans can get a first-round bye with a win here, and they probably will get the W. The big story for Minnesota is Adrian Peterson's eight consecutive games with 100 or more rushing yards, and his chance to break Eric Dickerson's single-season rushing record of 2,105 yards. AP is just 293 yards shy of football immortality.

Cleveland (5-9) at Denver (11-3) - Fun fact: The Broncos are 21-5 all-time against the Browns, including nine straight by a combined score of 229-108.

Chicago (8-6) at Arizona (5-9) - Whaddya know, the Cardinals won a game for the first time since September. The Bears started the year 8-1; the Cards 4-0. The Cardinals are only scoring 16 points per game this year while the Bears' D allows just 17.1. Advantage: Bears. As such, I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

NY Giants (8-6) at Baltimore (9-5) - The G-Men have been on a bit of a skid lately, losing by a combined score of 82-29 in their last three road losses. The Ravens have also lost three straight following a 34-17 loss to the Broncos last week. Who knows, though? The Giants could go 9-7 and repeat as Super Bowl champs.

(SNF) San Francisco (10-3-1) at Seattle (9-5) - The Seahawks have won their last three games by a combined score of 131-34. They annihilated the Cardinals and stomped the Bills to death in their last two, 108-17. The 49ers had a 31-3 lead over the Pats last Sunday night before pissing it away in the fourth quarter. Of course, they came back in that one but against a team that forced 11 turnovers in its last two games.... ehhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno.