NFL Predictions Week 14

Last week: 11-5
Season: 123-68

Thursday
Denver (9-3) at Oakland (3-9) - The Raiders will probably get Darren McFadden back, but against a defense that held the Buccaneers to 71 yards rushing, ehhhh. The Broncos killed the Raiders 37-6 in Week 4 and this one will end much the same way. Oakland will not be playing meaningful football in 2013 until September.

Sunday
St. Louis (5-6-1) at Buffalo (5-7) - Well, it only took 10 damn quarters but we finally found out the Rams can barely edge the 49ers this year. Neither of these teams has the power to dominate the other, especially with Danny Amendola and Steve Johnson questionable for the Rams and Bills respectively. Buffalo gets the edge with the NFL's 4th-best rushing attack (147.9 yards/game) against the Rams' middling rush defense.

Dallas (6-6) at Cincinnati (7-5) - Fun fact: The Cowboys are 3-3 on the road this year and the Bengals are 3-3 at home. Hm! The Cowboys are 3-1 in their last four games, but two of those wins are against the hapless Eagles. The Bengals are on a four-game win streak, and okay three of those were against the hapless-er AFC West but the fourth was against the Giants. The last time I praised Jay Gruden's offense, Cincy lost so I won't do it again.

Kansas City (2-10) at Cleveland (4-8) - Look, I could make rafts of tasteless jokes about how both of these teams have been hit by tragedy off (and on) the field and how if I was on the Chiefs or lived in Cleveland I'd be suicidal, too, but suicide isn't really funny to me this week. If you need help, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and get info from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, too.

Tennessee (4-8) at Indianapolis (8-4) - Hell yeah, let's bounce out of that Debbie Downer depression talk with some motherfuckin' LEUKEMIA! WOOOOOOOO! The Colts had a close shave against the Titans in Week 8, winning 19-13 in OT, and they're coming off an amazing comeback against the Lions but I think we'll see a wider gap between the scores this week. ESPN points out that the Colts have five wins by four or fewer points this year, but they'll take 'em. The Texans clinched a spot in the playoffs already, but if the season ended today the Colts would be the first Wild Card team.

Chicago (8-4) at Minnesota (6-6) - Fun fact: The Bears are 1-3 in their last four while the Vikings are 1-4 in their last five. Bears WRs Earl Bennett and Devin Hester are concussed; Vikings WR Percival J. Harvin, III is still out with (ankle). Chicago won against Minnesota in Week 12, and shouldn't have much difficulty going for seven straight wins over the Vikes in Week 14.

San Diego (4-8) at Pittsburgh (7-5) - Well, well. Flippin' Charlie Batch led the Stillers to a win against the Ravens last week. Ben "I Have to Call Him an 'Alleged' Rapist but I Can Call Him a 'Definite Asshole'" Roethlisberger will probably be out again, but even Batch can get a win against the Chargers here.

Philadelphia (3-9) at Tampa Bay (6-6) - The Bucs have dropped their last two after putting together a sweet four-game win streak. The Eagles have a streak of their own going: eight straight losses. They have not won a game since September. They are really awful this year. Bucs win by a bunch.

Baltimore (9-3) at Washington (6-6) - Joe Flacco looked pretty stink-o last week against Pittsburgh (16 of 34 for 188 yards, for example) and he plays poorly on the road (4 TDs, 4 INTs) so far. That said, the Redskins aren't the Steelers and this one ought to go to the Ravens.

Atlanta (11-1) at Carolina (3-9) - GIVE US CLAUSEN! This is a no-brainer pick. But hey, fun fact: as farty as the Panthers are, they're still not eliminated from the playoffs!

NY Jets (5-7) at Jacksonville (2-10) - The Jets are so bad Fireman Ed quit. The Jags are worse, of course, but they never had a superfan of their own to quit. (Perhaps Methman Justin? "M-E-T-H! *rest of stadium* METH! METH! METH!") Anyway, even with Rory(?) McElroy or whoever under center, the Jets will score barely enough points to edge the sad Jags. This here's my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF METH THE WEEK. Oh and btw the Jags are eliminated from playoff contention this year and probably the next four.

new team mascot

Miami (5-7) at San Francisco (8-3-1) - 49ers fans are hoping that Alex Smith has been relegated to the ash heap of history. Even though the Niners bizarrely couldn't beat the g-d Rams in 150 minutes of football, Colin Kaepernick is the wave of the future.

Arizona (4-8) at Seattle (7-5) - Like the Eagles, other-bird-mascot-team the Cardinals haven't won since September. The Cardinals beat yet-another-bird-mascot-team the Seahawks to open the season as they went 4-0 to start the year. Of course, I just told you what's happened since. Plus the Seahawks are 5-0 at home and shouldn't have much trouble making it 6-0 against Ryan Lindley and the Cards.

New Orleans (5-7) at NY Giants (7-5) - Drew Brees threw 5 INTs last week and broke his 435356-game streak of consecutive games with TD passes but Pew pew pew! We got a shootout in the works! 63-59 final score.

(SNF) Detroit (4-8) at Green Bay (8-4) - The Packers are 6-1 in their last seven games. The Lions are ... hell, I dunno, 0-5 in their last three? Green Bay beat Detroit 24-20 three weeks ago.

Monday
Houston (11-1) at New England (9-3) - Not sure if this counts as an upset or not. You've got the two highest-scoring offenses in the NFL playing here, but the Texans have the better defense by far and I do b'lieve that gives them the edge here.