NFL Predictions Week 15

Holy moley, last week's 1pm games were brutal to me: 3-7 just like that. I do a pick 'em contest at a cigar website and last week the prize was a 5-pack from Don Pepin Garcia. I cannot begin to tell you how badly I wanted to win, but I lost to some jackoff who picked not only a) the Chargers but b) the Panthers and c) the Jaguars. Plus I'm out of my fantasy playoffs.

...and everyone in it

Last week: 8-8
Season: 131-76

Thursday
Cincinnati (7-6) at Philadelphia (4-9) - Boy, what a garbage end to the Bucs/Eagles game last week. Both of these teams had their games come down to the final play last week with the Eagles getting lucky and the Bengals being unlucky. The Eagles looked like they haven't completely given up on the season but the Bucs looked like they were playing Madden with their "throw deep, throw deep, throw deep, punt" play-calling. Anyway, the Eagles are still kind of a mess and the Bengals maybe not as much. This is fun: even though they won last week, the Eagles are officially eliminated from the playoffs.

Sunday
NY Giants (8-5) at Atlanta (11-2) - Shoooo... this could be a good one if you like offense. The Giants had a huge week against the Saints last week: Eli threw four TDs and the G-Men put up 52 points. The last time these teams met was last year's wild card round when the Falcons lost 24-2 *snicker*. You'd think they'd put up at least one TD in this game, but who knows? Their run game is non-existent and the Giants have a fantastic front four.

Minnesota (7-6) at St. Louis (6-6-1) - Who knows. The Vikings surprised me by beating the Bears last week and the Rams are on a three-game winning streak, including a win over the vaunted 49ers. Christian Ponder and the Vikes are 1-5 on the road this year and the Rams are 4-3 at home. I'm giving the nod to the home team here.

Jacksonville (2-11) at Miami (5-8) - Eesh. Two teams out of the playoffs basically meeting up to see who drafts... I dunno, Heisman finalist Mantis Tebow or whoever. The Jags are 1-9 in their past 10; the Fins are 1-5 in their last six. The Dolphins have a surprisingly stout defense when it comes to third downs, though, so I'm giving them the nod here. This promises to be a low-scoring affair and anything can happen when two teams as awful as these meet, but I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Green Bay (9-4) at Chicago (8-5) - The Bears started the year 7-1 but have lost four of their last five. Sad trombone. Jay Cutler is 1-7 against the Pack following the Week 2 loss, and should be 1-8 Monday morning. The Packers clinch the NFC North with a win here.

Washington (7-6) at Cleveland (5-8) - Zuh?? The Redskins are on a four-game winning streak and the Browns are on a three-game streak?? Jinkies! Anyway, Robert "Are Gee Three" Griffin, III hasn't been ruled out for this game but he's got a bum knee which doesn't bode well. Even if Kirk Cousins starts, as Redskins head coach Pierre Garçon seems to think he will, the offense around him should be able to put up more points than the mummified remains of 129-year-old Brandon Weeden.

Tampa Bay (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8) - Both of these teams are riding three-game losing skids right out of the playoffs. The Bucs have kept it close in their losses, though, losing by a combined score of 11. The Saints, on the other hand, lost by 10 to the 49ers and the Falcons, and then by infinity points in a 52-27 stomping last week against the Giants. The Saints won the last matchup between these two in Week 7 despite the Bucs more or less matching New Orleans' scores one-for-one. I don't have a ton of faith in the Bucs' offense or defense at this point, at least as it relates to winning football games.

Denver (10-3) at Baltimore (9-4) - Can the Broncos extend their streak to nine wins? Why not? Ravens offensive coordinator Cam Cameron got canned in an effort to shake things up in Baltimore. Manning is still on a tear: still completing 70% of his passes, still throwing for a shade under 300 yards/game, and has thrown 19 TDs to 7 INTs during this streak. At this rate, the Broncos could rack up the most wins in the league. Don't discount the Ravens, though. They're in a "win and in" situation this week and will of course be playing hard. This ought to be a great game to watch.

Indianapolis (9-4) at Houston (11-2) - Peyton's former team is on a tear, too, going 7-1 in their past eight games. They're in a position to make the playoffs on their own if they can win here. The Texans got murdered last week against the Patriots, losing 42-14 in a game that was 21-0 at the half. But! They're 5-1 at home and 4-0 against the AFC South this year. The NFL Schedu-Matic 2000 has these teams meeting again in week 17 which might be good news for the Colts if the Texans are resting starters. As it is, Houston clinches the division with a win here, which they will get.

Detroit (4-9) at Arizona (4-9) - Yikes. The Lions have lost five straight and the Cardinals have lost nine straight, including a terrible 8-turnover 58-0 loss to Seattle last week. The Lions are less of a mess and get the nod here.

Carolina (4-9) at San Diego (5-8) - The Chargers aren't officially eliminated from the playoffs. The Panthers, despite an upset win last week, are. That doesn't mean the Panthers are going to play any less hard or that the Chargers will play any mo' betta, but against a weakish Carolina D, I like San Diego's chances.

Seattle (8-5) at Buffalo (5-8) - O Canada, eh? The Bills and the Seahawks better have their passpourts in order, because this one is being played in Touronto, Canada. Even though the Seahawks are 2-5 on the road this year, they did beat the Bears in their last away game which is no small feat, eh? And hey, they did just put up 58 points (against the Cardinals, but still).

Pittsburgh (7-6) at Dallas (7-6) - Hm. Despite both teams having winning records, this one might be sort of a shit-show. The Steelers lost to the Chargers last week, and the Cowboys can't seem to get it together. Dez Bryant has a broken finger, but it's not like the Cowboys have been 13-0 this year with him on the field.

Kansas City (2-11) at Oakland (3-10) - Ugh. The last time the Raiders won this year was Week 8 against the Chiefs. The last time the Chiefs won was when 11 white guys in leather helmets ran the wishbone against 11 other white guys in leather helmets^{[citation needed]}.

(SNF) San Francisco (9-3-1) at New England (10-3) - I don't care how good you allegedly are, if you can't beat the Rams you can't beat the Patriots. But hey, against a crap-ish Pats defense, the Niners ought to put up enough fireworks to keep eyes on the TV for the primetime matchup.

Monday
NY Jets (6-7) at Tennessee (4-9) - The Jets have been dismal on offense in their past six games; they've scored an average of 14.3 points/game. That might change against a Titans team allowing 32 points and 422 total yards per game at home this year.