NFL Week 5 Predictions

Last week: 9-6
Season: 34-29

So maybe the scab refs did make a difference. I mean, I picked who should have won and dipped perilously close to .500 when they were deciding games. Last week, three games over .500, baby. Obviously the refs were the problem. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Thursday
Arizona (4-0) at St. Louis (2-2) - The last time these two teams met was last November and Beanie Wells ran for 228 yards. The big surprise there is that Beanie Wells was healthy; no surprise this time as he's out for the season. Regardless, this game isn't going to be played on the ground as neither team has been running the ball all that well the past two weeks: 2.6 YPC for Arizona and 3.0 YPC for St. Louis.

Sunday
Miami (1-3) at Cincinnati (3-1) - Jay Gruden has done wonders in Cincy. Last year a rookie QB led the team to a 9-7 record, and this year they're on a tear so far. In this three-game winning streak, Andy Dalton has 8 TD passes and is completing 71% of his passes. Neat. Cincy is ranked 24th against the run, and Reggie Bush is doing good things for the Dolphins, but Dalton and A.J. Green are going to connect for points early, so look for Ryan Tannehill to start throwing. Look for... Brian Hartline obviously won't repeat his 253-yard performance.

Green Bay (2-2) at Indianapolis - I'm not looking to crack wise about leukemia. I think there could be something of a "Win one for the Gipper" effect at play in this game, but it won't be enough to outplay a superior Packers unit (huh huh huh... "unit.") (I will crack wise about dongs forever.)

Baltimore (3-1) at Kansas City - Numbers. I has them. The Chiefs have given up 15 turnovers so far this season. The Ravens have forced eight turnovers so far this season. In his past two games (both wins), Joe "I Took Viagra and Now I'm No Longer" Flacco has 738 yards and 4 TDs. The Ravens have the defense to force turnovers and the offense to capitalize on them. And hell, even the defense has scored two TDs on their four INTs.

Atlanta (4-0) at Washington (2-2) - Both of these QBs are having really good seasons. Both of these teams have had a fairly scrub-a-dub-dub schedule so far though, with both teams having played just one team with a winning record. Atlanta won their matchup against San Diego rather handily, 27-3, while the Redskins lost to the Bengals 38-31. The old adage says "Defense wins championships," and while this isn't remotely close to a championship, I'll take the Falcons' D (19 PPG) over the Redskins' D (30.8 PPG) any day.

Cleveland (0-4) at NY Giants (2-2) - This is my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. The Doo-Doos are on a ten-game losing skid(mark). Poop joke. The Giants' front four are going to have a field day. You thought the Seahawks' nine sacks against the Packers were bad? Brandon Weeden might literally take the Browns to the Super Bowl in his pants.

Philadelphia (3-1) at Pittsburgh (1-2) - AWWWW SHIIIIIT Y'ALLL! THINGS ARE 'BOUT TO GET INSANE-Y IN THE ALLEGHENY BIIITCHEZZZZZ WOOOOOOOO!!! Who knows? I'm giving the home team this one because with James Harrison and Troy "Notorious Head (and Shoulders) Hunter" Polamalu back on the field, the Steelers' defense might actually be able to make the Eagles' turnovers count.

Seattle (2-2) at Carolina (1-3) -

Chicago (3-1) at Jacksonville - The Bears' defense might be indicted in The Hague after this game. The Jaguars are scoring a league-worst 15.5 points per game. That ain't gonna get better against Chicago.

Tennessee (1-3) at Minnesota (3-1) - Minnesota has looked good so far this year. The Titans... have not. Yes, CJ?k finally showed up (141 yards) last week, and Kenny Britt is probably going to suit up, but the Titans weren't Kenny Britt away from righting the ship.

Denver (2-2) at New England (2-2) - I love how magically these two teams were scheduled to play. Tom Brady and Peyton "CUT! THAT! MEAT!" Manning meet for the 13th time in their careers. This one is going to be one to watch, as were the past 12 meetings. Two of the all-time best QBs in the same game? I'll watch Tom Brady like I always do: with a seething, venomous hatred of his pretty face mixed with grudging respect.

Buffalo (2-2) at San Francisco (3-1) - Time for some transitive property predictions. Buffalo gave up 48 points to the Jets in Week 1. San Francisco allowed 0 points against the Jets last week. Thus, Buffalo might actually score negative touchdowns this week. Look for... The Patriots might score once more against Buffalo, too.

(SNF) San Diego (3-1) at New Orleans (0-4) - It would be interesting to know how many times a team with zero wins has played on Sunday night since Monday Night Football moved to cable. It's too early in the season for flex scheduling to come into play, but I wouldn't change this one out anyway. This promises to be a high-scoring affair, and that's always good for keeping eyeballs on TVs.

Monday
Houston (4-0) at NY Jets (2-2) - Fun fact: In the five games these teams have ever played, the Jets have outscored Houston 128-66. In the four games of 2012, the Texans are outscoring their opponents 126-56. Santonio Holmes will be out with a non-Rex-Ryan-related foot injury but even when he was healthy it's not like his presence was felt.

Bye weeks: Cowboys, Lions, Raiders, Buccaneers