NFL Week 9 Predictions

Last week: 10-4
Season: 73-45

Happy Halloween!

And there you have an October, folks. Also, we're sort of halfway through the season as some teams have already played 8 games. Sad face.

Thursday
Kansas City (1-6) at San Diego (3-4) - Fact: neither of these teams won a game last month. Fact: the NFL is less fun without Todd Haley as a head coach.

Sunday
Denver (4-3) at Cincinnati (3-4) - Peyton "Construction Reroute!" Manning is red-hot of late, with 1,619 yards, 14 TDs, and 1 INT in his last five games. Andy Dalton, on the other hand, has 5 TDs and 6 INTs in his last three games. Look for... Peyton and pizza asshole John Schnatter to see who can say "meeyin free pizzas" more per 30-second TV spot.

Baltimore (5-2) at Cleveland (2-6) - Fact: Joe Flacco has never lost to the Browns. Fact: He ain't gonna lose this game, either. Both teams' defenses are stout as hell right now, though, so it's possible this one ends in a 3-3 tie.

Arizona (4-4) at Green Bay (5-3) - I'd check the injury reports on Jordy Nelson and Greg Jennings for fantasy, but I'm picking the Pack to win this regardless. They're on a three-game winning streak where Aaron Rodgers is completing 70% of his passes with 11 TDs and zero INTs. Look for... My immediate thought was an Arizona team in Wisconsin in November would have adjustment issues, but unless the weather swings dramatically, it won't be "frozen tundra" cold at Lambeau just yet.

Chicago (6-1) at Tennessee (3-5) - Chris Johnson is finally getting his shit together just in time to take on the league's best run defense (77.9 ypg). The Bears' passing offense is a joke, but the Titans' pass defense (and their run D, too) is crap. Da Bears ought to leave Tennessee with their sixth straight win.

Miami (4-3) at Indianapolis (4-3) - Both teams had great Octobers: the Dolphins were 3-0 and the Colts 3-1. Miami's another team with a defense that's keeping them afloat; opponents are converting just 26.4% of third downs. Look for... Ryan Tannehill might be out for this one.

Carolina (1-6) at Washington (3-5) - Well, here it is: the last Redskins home game before Election Day. The good news for Barack Obama is that the Redskins are by far the better of these two teams. The good news for Mitt Romney is that George W. Bush broke this streak, as well as Tecumseh's Curse. Look for... Cam Newton will assassinate Mike Shanahan.

Detroit (3-4) at Jacksonville (1-6) - An awesome cat fight in name only, this is more like two old mummy cats wheezing at each other. Sad, really.

Buffalo (3-4) at Houston (6-1) - How awful must it be for Bills fans? You live in Buffalo, first off. You have no MLB or NBA franchise nearby that doesn't require a passport to go see. Hockey is over forever, and your NFL franchise is the Bills. Anywho, the Texans are this week's Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK pick. The Bills are allowing an NFL-worst 32.4 points per game, while the Texans are scoring a second-best 30.9 ppg. Oh, and Arian Foster is facing the worst run D. Look for... Foster may not be able to run well because of the huge boner he'll have thinking about all his touchdowns.

Tampa Bay (3-4) at Oakland (3-4) - PIRAAAAATE FIIIIIIIIIGHT!! The Bucs get their second straight all-looter matchup. Oakland's run defense is relatively stout (11th best) but so was Minnesota's going into Week 8 and look how that turned out (214 total Doug Martin yards).

Minnesota (5-3) at Seattle (4-4) - Yikes, Seahawks! You're 3-0 at home (Dallas, Green Bay*, New England) but 1-4 on the road! Good thing you're at home here, I guess. And against a team which has allowed 88 points and 8 turnovers in its past three games.

Pittsburgh (4-3) at NY Giants (6-2) - The Steelers have no healthy running backs. The Giants haven't really needed to run, what with the league's sixth-best passing offense and all. The Steelers don't need to run either, given that they have the seventh-best passing O. Still, the Giants' defense ought to rack up some sacks against a QB who likes to hold the ball forever.

(SNF) Dallas (3-4) at Atlanta (7-0) - The Falcons have edged some teams in close games lately (2, 7, 3 points before the Philly game), as have the Cowboys (2, 5, and 5 points). Sad news for Cowboys fans: this one won't be close. Look for... A frustrated Tony Romo will throw something like four picks here.

Monday
Philadelphia (3-4) at New Orleans (2-5) - Ah, this is more like it. Two sub-.500 teams playing on Monday night while ESPN pretends this is THE must-watch game of the week. lol. Anywho, Drew Brees is Drew Brees (20 TDs, 330 ypg) and Michael Vick (9 TDs, 8 INTs) might not even get a chance to be Michael Vick (Nick Foles). I'd rather have diarrhea than watch this game.

Bye weeks: New England, NY Jets, San Francisco, St. Louis

NFL Week 8 Predictions

Last week: 11-2
Season: 63-41

Heck yeah, 11-2! I'm picking seven road teams to win this week. Also, two teams travel across the pond to show those English what football REALLY is. Oh, and Happy Halloween I guess?

Thursday
Tampa Bay (2-4) at Minnesota (5-2) - Fox's NFL officiating guru Mike Peireireiera can feel free to let me know why defenders don't just push all receivers out of bounds in the end zone since that's apparently not a penalty. Having said that... the Bucs have the league's third-best run defense (Did you know that? I didn't.) but the 31st-ranked pass defense. The Vikings are having a weird season, beating some presumed heavy-hitters (San Francisco) while struggling to beat some weaker teams (Jacksonville, Indy) but even if they play down to Tampa, they should emerge victorious here.

Sunday
Carolina (1-5) at Chicago (5-1) - Da Bears are only allowing 13 points per game and the NFC South's Shitty Kitties are only scoring 17.7 per. Cam Newton had some early success last year before a return to Earth. It looks like his success was the fluke and his dumpy performance is the mean. At least the Panthers still have Jimmy Clausen pffahahahaha

San Diego (3-3) at Cleveland (1-6) - Not sure if this counts as an upset alert, given San Diego's fecalizing the bed on a Monday night (allowing 35 second-half points while scoring none; six turnovers from Philip "Traded for Eli Manning" Rivers). Browns RB Trent Richardson has some rib cartilage damage from last week, but the Chargers have allowed 660 passing yards in their last two games (yeah, to Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, but still) and Brandon Weeden seems to be getting his feet under him a bit.

Seattle (4-3) at Detroit (2-4) - The Seahawks are 1-4 on the road this year, but the Lions are slowly collapsing like a flán in a cupboard. Their running game is a mess and their receiving corps goes from Megatron to something called Titus Young. Oh, and Seattle's defense is good.

Jacksonville (1-5) at Green Bay (4-3) - Quite possibly the most obvious Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK ever. Yes, the Packers struggled mightily in the first few games but in his last four games Aaron Rodgers has thrown for 1,234 yards and 16 TDs and just 2 INTs. The Shitty Kitties of the AFC South lost Maurice Jones-Drew last week (that's bad) as well as Blairf Gabbarf (you'd think that's good, but backup Chad Henne was 9-for-20 after Gabbarf went down). Rashad Jennings looked serviceable in replacement of MoJo so pick him up for your fantasy team if you need to, but PETA might get called in to stop the cruelty to animals here.

Indianapolis (3-3) at Tennessee (3-4) - Home team gets the nod here as neither of these teams are an obvious winner. Chris Johnson should be able to have another big week against a defense allowing 134.7 (25th best) yards per game.

New England (4-3) at St. Louis (3-4) - Cheerio, guv'nor! New England goes to Old England in a Super Bowl XXXVI rematch on the pitch at Wembley Stadium. Blimey! The Rams will look a fright this time 'round, too. Not because the old Bill's got 'em on tape (PAL here, mate) but because they're shite without Kurt Warner. Wanker arse fag. Frognal Cockfosters.

Miami (3-3) at NY Jets (3-4) - The Jets won the last meeting between these teams in OT. The Dolphins' defense is good enough to keep this close and the Jets' offense isn't exactly high-flyin' (GET IT?) to boot. The game will ultimately serve as a reminder of when these teams and this rivalry had some relevance. Look for... Fireman Ed to curse the heavens.

Atlanta (6-0) at Philadelphia (3-3) - BIIIIIIRD FIIIIIIIIIIGHT!! Okay, both teams are coming off three-point games before a bye week (Atlanta's a 23-20 win over Oakland; Philly a 26-23 OT loss to Detroit) in which both teams gave up three turnovers. The key difference is that Hotlanta's three turnovers makes seven on the year but Philly's gives them 17. Jeepers.

Washington (3-4) at Pittsburgh (3-3) - The Steelers don't have a running game to speak of (90.2 yards/game) but that's okay because the Redskins have the league's worst pass defense (328.4 yards/game). There are kids old enough to drink who weren't born the last time the 'Skins beat the Steelers.

Oakland (2-4) at Kansas City (1-5) - Two AFC West powerhouses meet to shit all over themselves and each other and roll around and commingle the shit and then it gets in someone's mouth and they barf and someone else barfs and then there's shit and barf and sweat everywhere and it smells and people are crying and screaming at God. The road team has won 10 of the past 11 meetings between these two, so ... yeah.

NY Giants (5-2) at Dallas (3-3) - The Cowboys started the year strong with a win over the G-Men in New York but have since looked rather pedestrian while the Giants have really turned it on. The Giants will look really good on Jerry's enormous high-def stadium TV as they stomp the b-hole out of the Cowboys.

(SNF) New Orleans (2-4) at Denver (3-3) - Drew Brees has had four straight games with at least three TDs. Peyton Manning is coming off a bye after blowing up the Chargers with 35 second-half points. The Saints are not the Chargers, however, and will not be committing 400 consecutive turnovers to keep the Donkos in the game. Sorry, Laser Rocket Arm. Look for... That said, this game will be a shootout with Denver running back Willis McGahee and New Orleans' What's-His-Face not doing a damn thing except pass blocking.

Monday
San Francisco (5-2) at Arizona (4-3) - Since Monday Night Football moved to ESPN, the game has usually been a sad denouement to a solid football Sunday, more often than not featuring teams way out of the playoff race flailing around while Tony Kornheiser and Joe Theismannnnn slap-fought in the booth. BUT! This game has actual playoff ramifications, even if both teams are struggling offensively lately (AZ has scored 33 points in their last three games; SF has scored 16 in their last two).

Bi weeks: Baltimore, Buffalo, Cincinnati, Houston

NFL Week 7 Predictions

Last week: 8-6
Season: 52-39

Last week featured some upsets (Titans & Bills) and a few returns to form (Packers & Giants). This week features some truly awful matchups, but we'll try to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Thursday
Seattle (4-2) at San Francisco (4-2) - If I asked you which team had the most wins in this series since 2003, you'd probably say the 49ers, and you'd be wrong; the 49ers were really bad for a while. But they're good now, I guess, other than last week. This is a toss-up for me and I'm going home team. Alex "Tiny Hands" Smith won't throw three picks (like last week), and San Francisco's defense is good enough to stop any comeback attempts (not-like New England's last week). Look for... Me to be a really insufferable prick about how I called Seattle's win last week.

Sunday
Tennessee (2-4) at Buffalo (3-3) - Boy, you could've knocked me over with a feather last week after both of these teams won. One of these teams has to lose this week, and it's going to be the Titans; their defense just won't be able to contain the Bills' weapons. (For the record I am aware that ties exist in the NFL but they're rare enough that I can say a team "has to win.")

Cleveland (1-5) at Indianapolis (2-3) - Cleveland won last week, snapping their 11-game losing streak. They'll now try for their first back-to-back wins since Weeks 2-3 of 2011. Fun Fact: that Week 2 win came against the Colts in Indy. Also Fun Fact: That was the last time the Browns have won on the road.

"Browns Fan Dunks Head in a Bucket of Urine for $450"
An apt metaphor for Browns fandom and probably living in Cleveland generally

Washington (3-3) at NY Giants (4-2) - Holy God, Robert Griffin The Third, do not run at this front four. You will die. Justin Tuck and his insanely awesome-looking evil helmet are salivating more than when he sees a fresh, delicious, tasty, meaty, turkey-filled Cold Cut Combo. He eats three every day just to keep strong. Look for... Dammit, now I want a sandwich.

New Orleans (1-4) at Tampa Bay (2-3) - Official Mitt Romney Fact*: Tampa's 38 points last week are more than they've scored all year combined. Okay, maybe not but as a Bucs fan it'd be nice to see some redistribution of points. Josh "Huey" Freeman threw for 328 yards and 3 TDs last week. As a fantasy owner of Douglas Martin I was happy to see him get some catches, too. Look for... That idiot Saints fan who filed a class-action suit against the NFL because the Saints suck now to be thrown out of a window.

Dallas (2-3) at Carolina (1-4) - Last week the Cowboys ran for 227 yards against the Ravens. That's the most yards on the ground EVER against Baltimore. They had no answer for the run game. So why the hell did Dallas ever throw the goddamned ball? Aaaanywho, the Panthers are allowing 127.4 rushing yards per game (23rd in the league) and if Felix Jones (DeMarco Murray has a foot injury and may not play) gets the same running room Murray had last week, look out. Oh and then Jason Garrett will call for a pass play and stall the drive.

Baltimore (5-1) at Houston (5-1) - This is another tossup for me. Both teams are playing really well and their records reflect that. I want the Texans to do well, too, especially after their awful first years in the league. Home team gets the nod. Look for... Arian Foster will try to run all over the Ravens, and if that fails Matt Schaub will test whoever's in for Lardarius Webb.

Green Bay (3-3) at St. Louis (3-3) - Interesting Fact: the Rams have allowed an average of 11 points per game in their last three games. Astounding Fact: in 18 career dome games, Aaron Rodgers has thrown 44 TDs and just 7 INTs. Eye-popping.

Arizona (4-2) at Minnesota (4-2) - Vikings QB Christian Ponder has a pretty simple decision-making process: Is Percival J. Harvin, IV open? Throw him the ball. If not, dump it off to Kyle Rudolph. Oh, and hand it off to Adrian Peterson about 25 times. Arizona's simply not scoring enough points to compete, and that definitely won't change with Jack Skellington under center.

NY Jets (3-3) at New England (3-3) - Tawm Brady is 16-5 in his starts against the Jets. Brandon Lloyd might be out with a shoulder injury, but the Pats still have Wes Welker and Deion Branch and Gronk and Hernandez to throw it to and then like four decent running backs to give it to and UGH I JUST WANT TO SPIT IN BELICHICK'S MOUTH

Jacksonville (1-4) at Oakland (1-4) -

UPSET STOMACH ALERT

Who wants Gabbert? WUAHHG

America gets the Jets game and this game as its two 4-o'clock games and since Orlando is close to Jacksonville, I know what horrible game I'll be stuck with on TV. Barf.

(SNF) Pittsburgh (2-3) at Cincinnati (3-3) - And here we have the other end of the equation that started out this article. Both of these teams lost on the road despite being favorites. No other game this week really jumps out at me for Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK so it goes to the Stillers here.

Monday
Detroit (2-3) at Chicago (4-1) - In their last three games, da Bears have FIVE pick-sixes (picks-six?) and outscored their opponents 98-27. The Lions overcame a deficit against Philly in overtime last week, but with a defense as red-hot as Chicago's has been... ich don't think so.

Bye weeks: Atlanta, Denver, Kansas City, Miami, Philadelphia, A Sea Mammal's Birth Canal

NFL Week 6 Predictions

Last week: 10-4
Season: 44-33

While the rest of North America gets their sweaters and electric blankets out, we in Florida are wearing shorts and running the A/C. Sorry 'bout the global warming, polar bears, but it's like 85* during the day here. I'll probably be able to wear jorts right through til the middle of December. I have no light jacket and I must scream.

Thursday
Pittsburgh (2-2) at Tennessee (1-4) - I got a fantasy trade offer the week after Chris Johnson went the eff off: I'd give up Drew Brees and Fat Michael Turner and get Chris Johnson and Ben Roflburger. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Sunday
Oakland (1-3) at Atlanta (5-0) - Welcome to my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. Oakland has allowed 35 and 37 points in their last two games, and Atlanta is averaging just a shade under 30 points per game this year. Atlanta should go into their bye week 6-0.

Cincinnati (3-2) at Cleveland (0-5) - Ugh. Imagine being the Browns: you're the second-best team in your two-team state and the better team is the Bengals. Browns head "coach" Pat "Potentially Fatal Heart" Shurmur must have photos of somebody important, because there's no reason he has a job otherwise.

St. Louis (3-2) at Miami (2-3) - Fun fact: The Dolphins have allowed an average of 20.6 points per game. Another fun fact: The Dolphins have scored an average of 20.6 points per game. Fun statistical extrapolation: The Dolphins are 0-0-5 on the year. The Rams are 1-11 in their past 12 away games and while we just learned that numbers don't tell the whole story, they won't even have the one effective weapon (Danny Amendola) on offense they've relied on of late to win.

Indianapolis (2-2) at NY Jets (2-3) - The Colts looked CHUCKSTRONG as hell last week in coming back down 21-3 over the Packers last week, but it came down to a Reggie Wayne TD reception with 35 seconds left. This one's a coinflip to me and I think it comes up Jets.

Detroit (1-3) at Philadelphia (3-2) - Lions gonna Lion, I guess. They've lost three straight and Matthew Stafford has just 3 TDs to 4 INTs this year. Of course, Michael Vick has something like 47 fumbles so far, so there's that. Fun fact: If you're 25 or younger, the Lions have never beaten the Eagles in your lifetime.

Kansas City (1-4) at Tampa Bay (1-3) - Somebody's gotta win this one, so why not the home team?

Dallas (2-2) at Baltimore (4-1) - The last time the Cowboys and the Ravens met, Joe Flacco had a 43.1 passer rating. Think that's bad? He was more than twice as good as Tony "Sergio" Romo's 20.8. Aaannnnnywaaay, the Cowboys barfed all over themselves in their last game and the Ravens look good, so.

New England (3-2) at Seattle (3-2) -

UPSET ALERT

The Seahawks are allowing just 9.5 points per game this year, and the Patriots couldn't handle the Cardinals's's''s's'ss's's defense. Yes, I'm basing this on a ludicrously small sample size (two Seattle home games) and bird mascot correlation equaling causation, but you know what else? I've been guzzling Vick's brand Purple Drank all morning and this prediction is just crazy enough to work.

Buffalo (2-3) at Arizona (4-1) - In its past six quarters of football, Buffalo has allowed 90 points ahahahahahahahahahahaha

NY Giants (3-2) at San Francisco (4-1) - In their past two games, these teams have combined for 14,000 yards of total offense and 110 points. Okay, maybe not quite but damn close following gut-stompings of Cleveland (NY) and Buffalol (SF). This is going to be a hell of a game and sucks for Virginia/Maryland and Minnesota they don't get it on TV.

Minnesota (4-1) at Washington (2-3) - And this game is what they get to watch instead, of course. The Vikings started slow and have looked unstoppable of late while the Redskins started out strong and have looked like the Redskins of late. Oh, and shocking news: Robert "The Official Spokesman of Subway, the Official Training Restaurant of Robert Griffin III" Griffin III might be slightly concussed and unavailable for this game, paving the way for the glorious return of the original RGIII. That's right, I'm talkin' 'bout mothereffin' SEXY REXY BABY WOOOO UNLEASH THE DRAGON

(SNF) Green Bay (2-3) at Houston (5-0) - Look, when Seattle gets nine flippin' sacks in a game that might just be one team dominating. When Indianpolis gets you for five more, it says more about your offensive line. When you're already two INTs short of your total from last year, as Aaron Rodgers is, and your QB rating is at a career low, and your TD percentage is at a career low, and and AND your yards per completion is at a career low, it means your O-line sucks and you're hurrying your passes and making a lot of dumpoff throws to avoid a sack. Forget the replacement refs, Packers fans, the real issue with your team are the big guys up front.

Monday
Denver (2-3) at San Diego (3-2) - Peyton Manning was one Willis McGahee fumble away from making things very interesting in New England last week. Peyton probably duct taped a football to Willis' hands this week.

Bye weeks: Carolina, Bears, Jaguars, Saints

NFL Week 5 Predictions

Last week: 9-6
Season: 34-29

So maybe the scab refs did make a difference. I mean, I picked who should have won and dipped perilously close to .500 when they were deciding games. Last week, three games over .500, baby. Obviously the refs were the problem. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Thursday
Arizona (4-0) at St. Louis (2-2) - The last time these two teams met was last November and Beanie Wells ran for 228 yards. The big surprise there is that Beanie Wells was healthy; no surprise this time as he's out for the season. Regardless, this game isn't going to be played on the ground as neither team has been running the ball all that well the past two weeks: 2.6 YPC for Arizona and 3.0 YPC for St. Louis.

Sunday
Miami (1-3) at Cincinnati (3-1) - Jay Gruden has done wonders in Cincy. Last year a rookie QB led the team to a 9-7 record, and this year they're on a tear so far. In this three-game winning streak, Andy Dalton has 8 TD passes and is completing 71% of his passes. Neat. Cincy is ranked 24th against the run, and Reggie Bush is doing good things for the Dolphins, but Dalton and A.J. Green are going to connect for points early, so look for Ryan Tannehill to start throwing. Look for... Brian Hartline obviously won't repeat his 253-yard performance.

Green Bay (2-2) at Indianapolis - I'm not looking to crack wise about leukemia. I think there could be something of a "Win one for the Gipper" effect at play in this game, but it won't be enough to outplay a superior Packers unit (huh huh huh... "unit.") (I will crack wise about dongs forever.)

Baltimore (3-1) at Kansas City - Numbers. I has them. The Chiefs have given up 15 turnovers so far this season. The Ravens have forced eight turnovers so far this season. In his past two games (both wins), Joe "I Took Viagra and Now I'm No Longer" Flacco has 738 yards and 4 TDs. The Ravens have the defense to force turnovers and the offense to capitalize on them. And hell, even the defense has scored two TDs on their four INTs.

Atlanta (4-0) at Washington (2-2) - Both of these QBs are having really good seasons. Both of these teams have had a fairly scrub-a-dub-dub schedule so far though, with both teams having played just one team with a winning record. Atlanta won their matchup against San Diego rather handily, 27-3, while the Redskins lost to the Bengals 38-31. The old adage says "Defense wins championships," and while this isn't remotely close to a championship, I'll take the Falcons' D (19 PPG) over the Redskins' D (30.8 PPG) any day.

Cleveland (0-4) at NY Giants (2-2) - This is my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. The Doo-Doos are on a ten-game losing skid(mark). Poop joke. The Giants' front four are going to have a field day. You thought the Seahawks' nine sacks against the Packers were bad? Brandon Weeden might literally take the Browns to the Super Bowl in his pants.

Philadelphia (3-1) at Pittsburgh (1-2) - AWWWW SHIIIIIT Y'ALLL! THINGS ARE 'BOUT TO GET INSANE-Y IN THE ALLEGHENY BIIITCHEZZZZZ WOOOOOOOO!!! Who knows? I'm giving the home team this one because with James Harrison and Troy "Notorious Head (and Shoulders) Hunter" Polamalu back on the field, the Steelers' defense might actually be able to make the Eagles' turnovers count.

Seattle (2-2) at Carolina (1-3) -

Chicago (3-1) at Jacksonville - The Bears' defense might be indicted in The Hague after this game. The Jaguars are scoring a league-worst 15.5 points per game. That ain't gonna get better against Chicago.

Tennessee (1-3) at Minnesota (3-1) - Minnesota has looked good so far this year. The Titans... have not. Yes, CJ?k finally showed up (141 yards) last week, and Kenny Britt is probably going to suit up, but the Titans weren't Kenny Britt away from righting the ship.

Denver (2-2) at New England (2-2) - I love how magically these two teams were scheduled to play. Tom Brady and Peyton "CUT! THAT! MEAT!" Manning meet for the 13th time in their careers. This one is going to be one to watch, as were the past 12 meetings. Two of the all-time best QBs in the same game? I'll watch Tom Brady like I always do: with a seething, venomous hatred of his pretty face mixed with grudging respect.

Buffalo (2-2) at San Francisco (3-1) - Time for some transitive property predictions. Buffalo gave up 48 points to the Jets in Week 1. San Francisco allowed 0 points against the Jets last week. Thus, Buffalo might actually score negative touchdowns this week. Look for... The Patriots might score once more against Buffalo, too.

(SNF) San Diego (3-1) at New Orleans (0-4) - It would be interesting to know how many times a team with zero wins has played on Sunday night since Monday Night Football moved to cable. It's too early in the season for flex scheduling to come into play, but I wouldn't change this one out anyway. This promises to be a high-scoring affair, and that's always good for keeping eyeballs on TVs.

Monday
Houston (4-0) at NY Jets (2-2) - Fun fact: In the five games these teams have ever played, the Jets have outscored Houston 128-66. In the four games of 2012, the Texans are outscoring their opponents 126-56. Santonio Holmes will be out with a non-Rex-Ryan-related foot injury but even when he was healthy it's not like his presence was felt.

Bye weeks: Cowboys, Lions, Raiders, Buccaneers