NFL Week 6 Predictions

Last week: 10-4
Season: 44-33

While the rest of North America gets their sweaters and electric blankets out, we in Florida are wearing shorts and running the A/C. Sorry 'bout the global warming, polar bears, but it's like 85* during the day here. I'll probably be able to wear jorts right through til the middle of December. I have no light jacket and I must scream.

Thursday
Pittsburgh (2-2) at Tennessee (1-4) - I got a fantasy trade offer the week after Chris Johnson went the eff off: I'd give up Drew Brees and Fat Michael Turner and get Chris Johnson and Ben Roflburger. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Sunday
Oakland (1-3) at Atlanta (5-0) - Welcome to my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. Oakland has allowed 35 and 37 points in their last two games, and Atlanta is averaging just a shade under 30 points per game this year. Atlanta should go into their bye week 6-0.

Cincinnati (3-2) at Cleveland (0-5) - Ugh. Imagine being the Browns: you're the second-best team in your two-team state and the better team is the Bengals. Browns head "coach" Pat "Potentially Fatal Heart" Shurmur must have photos of somebody important, because there's no reason he has a job otherwise.

St. Louis (3-2) at Miami (2-3) - Fun fact: The Dolphins have allowed an average of 20.6 points per game. Another fun fact: The Dolphins have scored an average of 20.6 points per game. Fun statistical extrapolation: The Dolphins are 0-0-5 on the year. The Rams are 1-11 in their past 12 away games and while we just learned that numbers don't tell the whole story, they won't even have the one effective weapon (Danny Amendola) on offense they've relied on of late to win.

Indianapolis (2-2) at NY Jets (2-3) - The Colts looked CHUCKSTRONG as hell last week in coming back down 21-3 over the Packers last week, but it came down to a Reggie Wayne TD reception with 35 seconds left. This one's a coinflip to me and I think it comes up Jets.

Detroit (1-3) at Philadelphia (3-2) - Lions gonna Lion, I guess. They've lost three straight and Matthew Stafford has just 3 TDs to 4 INTs this year. Of course, Michael Vick has something like 47 fumbles so far, so there's that. Fun fact: If you're 25 or younger, the Lions have never beaten the Eagles in your lifetime.

Kansas City (1-4) at Tampa Bay (1-3) - Somebody's gotta win this one, so why not the home team?

Dallas (2-2) at Baltimore (4-1) - The last time the Cowboys and the Ravens met, Joe Flacco had a 43.1 passer rating. Think that's bad? He was more than twice as good as Tony "Sergio" Romo's 20.8. Aaannnnnywaaay, the Cowboys barfed all over themselves in their last game and the Ravens look good, so.

New England (3-2) at Seattle (3-2) -

UPSET ALERT

The Seahawks are allowing just 9.5 points per game this year, and the Patriots couldn't handle the Cardinals's's''s's'ss's's defense. Yes, I'm basing this on a ludicrously small sample size (two Seattle home games) and bird mascot correlation equaling causation, but you know what else? I've been guzzling Vick's brand Purple Drank all morning and this prediction is just crazy enough to work.

Buffalo (2-3) at Arizona (4-1) - In its past six quarters of football, Buffalo has allowed 90 points ahahahahahahahahahahaha

NY Giants (3-2) at San Francisco (4-1) - In their past two games, these teams have combined for 14,000 yards of total offense and 110 points. Okay, maybe not quite but damn close following gut-stompings of Cleveland (NY) and Buffalol (SF). This is going to be a hell of a game and sucks for Virginia/Maryland and Minnesota they don't get it on TV.

Minnesota (4-1) at Washington (2-3) - And this game is what they get to watch instead, of course. The Vikings started slow and have looked unstoppable of late while the Redskins started out strong and have looked like the Redskins of late. Oh, and shocking news: Robert "The Official Spokesman of Subway, the Official Training Restaurant of Robert Griffin III" Griffin III might be slightly concussed and unavailable for this game, paving the way for the glorious return of the original RGIII. That's right, I'm talkin' 'bout mothereffin' SEXY REXY BABY WOOOO UNLEASH THE DRAGON

(SNF) Green Bay (2-3) at Houston (5-0) - Look, when Seattle gets nine flippin' sacks in a game that might just be one team dominating. When Indianpolis gets you for five more, it says more about your offensive line. When you're already two INTs short of your total from last year, as Aaron Rodgers is, and your QB rating is at a career low, and your TD percentage is at a career low, and and AND your yards per completion is at a career low, it means your O-line sucks and you're hurrying your passes and making a lot of dumpoff throws to avoid a sack. Forget the replacement refs, Packers fans, the real issue with your team are the big guys up front.

Monday
Denver (2-3) at San Diego (3-2) - Peyton Manning was one Willis McGahee fumble away from making things very interesting in New England last week. Peyton probably duct taped a football to Willis' hands this week.

Bye weeks: Carolina, Bears, Jaguars, Saints