Season: 52-39
Last week featured some upsets (Titans & Bills) and a few returns to form (Packers & Giants). This week features some truly awful matchups, but we'll try to sort the wheat from the chaff.
Thursday
Sunday
Cleveland (1-5) at Indianapolis (2-3) - Cleveland won last week, snapping their 11-game losing streak. They'll now try for their first back-to-back wins since Weeks 2-3 of 2011. Fun Fact: that Week 2 win came against the Colts in Indy. Also Fun Fact: That was the last time the Browns have won on the road.
Washington (3-3) at NY Giants (4-2) - Holy God, Robert Griffin The Third, do not run at this front four. You will die. Justin Tuck and his insanely awesome-looking evil helmet are salivating more than when he sees a fresh, delicious, tasty, meaty, turkey-filled Cold Cut Combo. He eats three every day just to keep strong. Look for... Dammit, now I want a sandwich.
New Orleans (1-4) at Tampa Bay (2-3) - Official Mitt Romney Fact*: Tampa's 38 points last week are more than they've scored all year combined. Okay, maybe not but as a Bucs fan it'd be nice to see some redistribution of points. Josh "Huey" Freeman threw for 328 yards and 3 TDs last week. As a fantasy owner of Douglas Martin I was happy to see him get some catches, too. Look for... That idiot Saints fan who filed a class-action suit against the NFL because the Saints suck now to be thrown out of a window.
Dallas (2-3) at Carolina (1-4) - Last week the Cowboys ran for 227 yards against the Ravens. That's the most yards on the ground EVER against Baltimore. They had no answer for the run game. So why the hell did Dallas ever throw the goddamned ball? Aaaanywho, the Panthers are allowing 127.4 rushing yards per game (23rd in the league) and if Felix Jones (DeMarco Murray has a foot injury and may not play) gets the same running room Murray had last week, look out. Oh and then Jason Garrett will call for a pass play and stall the drive.
Baltimore (5-1) at Houston (5-1) - This is another tossup for me. Both teams are playing really well and their records reflect that. I want the Texans to do well, too, especially after their awful first years in the league. Home team gets the nod. Look for... Arian Foster will try to run all over the Ravens, and if that fails Matt Schaub will test whoever's in for Lardarius Webb.
Green Bay (3-3) at St. Louis (3-3) - Interesting Fact: the Rams have allowed an average of 11 points per game in their last three games. Astounding Fact: in 18 career dome games, Aaron Rodgers has thrown 44 TDs and just 7 INTs. Eye-popping.
Arizona (4-2) at Minnesota (4-2) - Vikings QB Christian Ponder has a pretty simple decision-making process: Is Percival J. Harvin, IV open? Throw him the ball. If not, dump it off to Kyle Rudolph. Oh, and hand it off to Adrian Peterson about 25 times. Arizona's simply not scoring enough points to compete, and that definitely won't change with Jack Skellington under center.
NY Jets (3-3) at New England (3-3) - Tawm Brady is 16-5 in his starts against the Jets. Brandon Lloyd might be out with a shoulder injury, but the Pats still have Wes Welker and Deion Branch and Gronk and Hernandez to throw it to and then like four decent running backs to give it to and UGH I JUST WANT TO SPIT IN BELICHICK'S MOUTH
Jacksonville (1-4) at Oakland (1-4) - America gets the Jets game and this game as its two 4-o'clock games and since Orlando is close to Jacksonville, I know what horrible game I'll be stuck with on TV. Barf.
(SNF) Pittsburgh (2-3) at Cincinnati (3-3) - And here we have the other end of the equation that started out this article. Both of these teams lost on the road despite being favorites. No other game this week really jumps out at me for Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK so it goes to the Stillers here.
Monday
Bye weeks: Atlanta, Denver, Kansas City, Miami, Philadelphia, A Sea Mammal's Birth Canal
Seattle (4-2) at San Francisco (4-2) - If I asked you which team had the most wins in this series since 2003, you'd probably say the 49ers, and you'd be wrong; the 49ers were really bad for a while. But they're good now, I guess, other than last week. This is a toss-up for me and I'm going home team. Alex "Tiny Hands" Smith won't throw three picks (like last week), and San Francisco's defense is good enough to stop any comeback attempts (not-like New England's last week). Look for... Me to be a really insufferable prick about how I called Seattle's win last week.
Tennessee (2-4) at Buffalo (3-3) - Boy, you could've knocked me over with a feather last week after both of these teams won. One of these teams has to lose this week, and it's going to be the Titans; their defense just won't be able to contain the Bills' weapons. (For the record I am aware that ties exist in the NFL but they're rare enough that I can say a team "has to win.")
"Browns Fan Dunks Head in a Bucket of Urine for $450"
An apt metaphor for Browns fandom and probably living in Cleveland generally
UPSET STOMACH ALERT
Who wants Gabbert? WUAHHG
Detroit (2-3) at Chicago (4-1) - In their last three games, da Bears have FIVE pick-sixes (picks-six?) and outscored their opponents 98-27. The Lions overcame a deficit against Philly in overtime last week, but with a defense as red-hot as Chicago's has been... ich don't think so.
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