Season: 63-41
Heck yeah, 11-2! I'm picking seven road teams to win this week. Also, two teams travel across the pond to show those English what football REALLY is. Oh, and Happy Halloween I guess?
Thursday
Sunday
San Diego (3-3) at Cleveland (1-6) - Not sure if this counts as an upset alert, given San Diego's fecalizing the bed on a Monday night (allowing 35 second-half points while scoring none; six turnovers from Philip "Traded for Eli Manning" Rivers). Browns RB Trent Richardson has some rib cartilage damage from last week, but the Chargers have allowed 660 passing yards in their last two games (yeah, to Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, but still) and Brandon Weeden seems to be getting his feet under him a bit.
Seattle (4-3) at Detroit (2-4) - The Seahawks are 1-4 on the road this year, but the Lions are slowly collapsing like a flán in a cupboard. Their running game is a mess and their receiving corps goes from Megatron to something called Titus Young. Oh, and Seattle's defense is good.
Jacksonville (1-5) at Green Bay (4-3) - Quite possibly the most obvious Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK ever. Yes, the Packers struggled mightily in the first few games but in his last four games Aaron Rodgers has thrown for 1,234 yards and 16 TDs and just 2 INTs. The Shitty Kitties of the AFC South lost Maurice Jones-Drew last week (that's bad) as well as Blairf Gabbarf (you'd think that's good, but backup Chad Henne was 9-for-20 after Gabbarf went down). Rashad Jennings looked serviceable in replacement of MoJo so pick him up for your fantasy team if you need to, but PETA might get called in to stop the cruelty to animals here.
Indianapolis (3-3) at Tennessee (3-4) - Home team gets the nod here as neither of these teams are an obvious winner. Chris Johnson should be able to have another big week against a defense allowing 134.7 (25th best) yards per game.
Miami (3-3) at NY Jets (3-4) - The Jets won the last meeting between these teams in OT. The Dolphins' defense is good enough to keep this close and the Jets' offense isn't exactly high-flyin' (GET IT?) to boot. The game will ultimately serve as a reminder of when these teams and this rivalry had some relevance. Look for... Fireman Ed to curse the heavens.
Atlanta (6-0) at Philadelphia (3-3) - BIIIIIIRD FIIIIIIIIIIGHT!! Okay, both teams are coming off three-point games before a bye week (Atlanta's a 23-20 win over Oakland; Philly a 26-23 OT loss to Detroit) in which both teams gave up three turnovers. The key difference is that Hotlanta's three turnovers makes seven on the year but Philly's gives them 17. Jeepers.
Washington (3-4) at Pittsburgh (3-3) - The Steelers don't have a running game to speak of (90.2 yards/game) but that's okay because the Redskins have the league's worst pass defense (328.4 yards/game). There are kids old enough to drink who weren't born the last time the 'Skins beat the Steelers.
Oakland (2-4) at Kansas City (1-5) - Two AFC West powerhouses meet to shit all over themselves and each other and roll around and commingle the shit and then it gets in someone's mouth and they barf and someone else barfs and then there's shit and barf and sweat everywhere and it smells and people are crying and screaming at God. The road team has won 10 of the past 11 meetings between these two, so ... yeah.
NY Giants (5-2) at Dallas (3-3) - The Cowboys started the year strong with a win over the G-Men in New York but have since looked rather pedestrian while the Giants have really turned it on. The Giants will look really good on Jerry's enormous high-def stadium TV as they stomp the b-hole out of the Cowboys.
(SNF) New Orleans (2-4) at Denver (3-3) - Drew Brees has had four straight games with at least three TDs. Peyton Manning is coming off a bye after blowing up the Chargers with 35 second-half points. The Saints are not the Chargers, however, and will not be committing 400 consecutive turnovers to keep the Donkos in the game. Sorry, Laser Rocket Arm. Look for... That said, this game will be a shootout with Denver running back Willis McGahee and New Orleans' What's-His-Face not doing a damn thing except pass blocking.
Monday
Bi weeks: Baltimore, Buffalo, Cincinnati, Houston
Tampa Bay (2-4) at Minnesota (5-2) - Fox's NFL officiating guru Mike Peireireiera can feel free to let me know why defenders don't just push all receivers out of bounds in the end zone since that's apparently not a penalty. Having said that... the Bucs have the league's third-best run defense (Did you know that? I didn't.) but the 31st-ranked pass defense. The Vikings are having a weird season, beating some presumed heavy-hitters (San Francisco) while struggling to beat some weaker teams (Jacksonville, Indy) but even if they play down to Tampa, they should emerge victorious here.
Carolina (1-5) at Chicago (5-1) - Da Bears are only allowing 13 points per game and the NFC South's Shitty Kitties are only scoring 17.7 per. Cam Newton had some early success last year before a return to Earth. It looks like his success was the fluke and his dumpy performance is the mean. At least the Panthers still have Jimmy Clausen pffahahahaha
New England (4-3) at St. Louis (3-4) - Cheerio, guv'nor! New England goes to Old England in a Super Bowl XXXVI rematch on the pitch at Wembley Stadium. Blimey! The Rams will look a fright this time 'round, too. Not because the old Bill's got 'em on tape (PAL here, mate) but because they're shite without Kurt Warner. Wanker arse fag. Frognal Cockfosters.
San Francisco (5-2) at Arizona (4-3) - Since Monday Night Football moved to ESPN, the game has usually been a sad denouement to a solid football Sunday, more often than not featuring teams way out of the playoff race flailing around while Tony Kornheiser and Joe Theismannnnn slap-fought in the booth. BUT! This game has actual playoff ramifications, even if both teams are struggling offensively lately (AZ has scored 33 points in their last three games; SF has scored 16 in their last two).
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