NFL Predictions Week 17

Sunday
Tampa Bay (6-9) at Atlanta (13-2)

NY Jets (6-9) at Buffalo (5-10)

Baltimore Ravens (10-5) at Cincinnati (9-6)

Chicago (9-6) at Detroit (4-11)

Jacksonville (2-13) at Tennessee (5-10)

Houston (12-3) at Indianapolis (10-5)

Carolina (6-9) at New Orleans (7-8)

Philadelphia (4-11) at NY Giants (8-7)

Cleveland (5-10) at Pittsburgh (7-8)

Kansas City (2-13) at Denver (12-3) - 1.32% of ESPN Pigskin Pick 'Em users think KC has a chance to win this one.

Green Bay (11-4) at Minnesota (9-6)

Miami (7-8) at New England (11-4)

Oakland (4-11) at San Diego (6-9)

Arizona (5-10) at San Francisco (10-4-1)

St. Louis (7-7-1) at Seattle (10-5) - The Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

(SNF) Dallas (8-7) at Washington (9-6)

NFL Predictions Week 16

Blah blah blah tired Mayan joke blah blah. Frankly, I'll be glad when all this is over. By which I mean a) this nonsense talk of the Mayan apocalypse or b) this gay Earth. It's win-win, really. And how great is it that we get a week of football without the twin travesties of Thursday and Monday Night Football? Win-win-win.

Last week: 8-8
Season: 139-84

Maya Apocalypse

Saturday
Atlanta (12-2) at Detroit (4-10) - I feel like the Lions ought to be closer to 8-6 or something because it seems like every week I pick against them but they win. Anyway, the Lions in fact are on a six-game losing streak and the Falcons just blanked the Giants.

Sunday
New Orleans (6-8) at Dallas (8-6) - The Cowboys are on a three-game winning streak, and they've won all three of them by five or fewer points. The Saints, on the other hand, snapped a three-game losing streak against the Bucs last week. Drew Brees has a total of 736 yards and 6 TDs in just two career games in Dallas. This one will be a shootout.

Cincinnati (8-6) at Pittsburgh (7-7) - As much as I'd like to see Jay Gruden and the Bengals win here, I just don't see it happening. This ought to be a hell of a game, though, as the Bengals can clinch a playoff spot with a win an the Steelers are fighting for a shot just to have a chance to try to maybe make the playoffs.

Tennessee (5-9) at Green Bay (10-4) - Remember when the Packers started the season 2-3? Hahaha, what was that about? Anyway, even with a resurgent Chris Johnson, the Titans can't stop the well-oiled Green Bay Packers. Mmmm... oiled up Clay Matthews... I MEAN! Uh... The Pack are 8-1 in their last nine and this will be their seventh straight win at Lambeau.

Indianapolis (9-5) at Kansas City (2-12) - Cheer up, Chiefs fans! Last year the Colts went 2-14 and drafted Andrew Luck and look where they are now! Why, with a loss here you'll really cement your chance to draft Matt Barkley in April! He'll follow in the footsteps of other great USC quarterbacks like Matt Leinart, erm... Carson Palmer, and, uh, Mark Sanchez. Hmmm... on second thought, maybe hope for that Nibiru cataclysm thing.

Buffalo (5-9) at Miami (6-8) - Eh, home team gets the nod. The Bills got smoked last week 50-17 against the Seahawks, which I only mention because any time an NFL game ends in an NCAA-esque score, I get excited. Anyway, the Bills did beat the Dolphins 19-14 in Week 11 but who knows? Both of these teams are shit.

San Diego (5-9) at NY Jets (6-8) - And speaking of shit, the NY Jets announced earlier this week that Mark Sanchez will be benched. FINALLY the Tebow era can beg- what? Who? The GOLFER?? That can't be right.

Washington (8-6) at Philadelphia (4-10) - The Redskins won their fifth straight game last week with Kirk's cousin at the QB spot. This week, R2D2 is expected to return. Artoo threw 4 TDs in a 31-6 Week 11 victory over the Eagles earlier this season.

St. Louis (6-7-1) at Tampa Bay (6-8) - Hooboy. Home team gets the nod here but the Bucs have looked so helpless lately that it wouldn't surprise me if the Rams look like the Kurt Warner Rams of old.

Oakland (4-10) at Carolina (5-9) - Suddenly the Panthers look unstoppable. Sadly for them it only comes after they've been stoppable nine times this year. The Raiders are a disaster wherever they play but it's worth mention that they're 1-5 on the road so far this year, with that lone W coming against the Chiefs.

New England (10-4) at Jacksonville (2-12) - Fun fact: the Jaguars average 11.1 points per game at home. The Patriots average 36.1 no matter where they play.

Minnesota (8-6) at Houston (12-2) - The Texans can get a first-round bye with a win here, and they probably will get the W. The big story for Minnesota is Adrian Peterson's eight consecutive games with 100 or more rushing yards, and his chance to break Eric Dickerson's single-season rushing record of 2,105 yards. AP is just 293 yards shy of football immortality.

Cleveland (5-9) at Denver (11-3) - Fun fact: The Broncos are 21-5 all-time against the Browns, including nine straight by a combined score of 229-108.

Chicago (8-6) at Arizona (5-9) - Whaddya know, the Cardinals won a game for the first time since September. The Bears started the year 8-1; the Cards 4-0. The Cardinals are only scoring 16 points per game this year while the Bears' D allows just 17.1. Advantage: Bears. As such, I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

NY Giants (8-6) at Baltimore (9-5) - The G-Men have been on a bit of a skid lately, losing by a combined score of 82-29 in their last three road losses. The Ravens have also lost three straight following a 34-17 loss to the Broncos last week. Who knows, though? The Giants could go 9-7 and repeat as Super Bowl champs.

(SNF) San Francisco (10-3-1) at Seattle (9-5) - The Seahawks have won their last three games by a combined score of 131-34. They annihilated the Cardinals and stomped the Bills to death in their last two, 108-17. The 49ers had a 31-3 lead over the Pats last Sunday night before pissing it away in the fourth quarter. Of course, they came back in that one but against a team that forced 11 turnovers in its last two games.... ehhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno.

Cigar Review - Pura Sangre Churchill

I remember not that long ago seeing an ad somewhere for a new company called Ventura Cigars announcing the release of their cigars. They were so proud of them that all you had to do was go online, give them your address, and they'd send you two cigars free; all they wanted in return was... well, I don't remember. Like them on Facebook, or send them a review... something. I love free stuff, so I immediately signed up and not long after got my no-shit two free cigars in the mail. I stuck 'em in my "humidor" and forgot about them for a while.I really wish I had left this one there.

a box of poison

This evening I decided to go with the Pura Sangre, since it was a Churchill coming in at a nice 7x52. I'm not thrilled with the 6x60 nonsense I've been seeing tons of (or the 64-gauge Inch by EP Carillo although in fairness I haven't tried that one yet), so longer, thinner cigars have been what I look for. Yes, yes, Dr. Freud blah blah.

Even before I took it out of the cello, I noticed a rather obvious roll line curving its way up the stick, plus some fat veins in the wrapper. I was fully expecting the cigar to comically unravel at some point. Another knock against the appearance is the band. I have no idea what the heck is going on there but it's ugly and bland; it doesn't catch my eye. It's not a huge knock, but it's a knock all the same.

Once out of the cello, the foot and wrapper gave off an earthy aroma. It wasn't immediately appealing, but some of the better cigars I've had have smelled like straight-up shit so I wasn't concerned. It actually got me expecting good things. I gave it a straight cut and found it was actually a bit tough to cut through. I don't have a fancy cutter, just a $10 job I got a while ago, but it's handled other cigars with no problem. The foot looked pretty nice: densely packed, clean and tight. The prelight draw was tight-ish and gave more of the earthy, leathery taste.

Maybe that dense foot was the reason it was such a bitch to get lit. Maybe it was my cigardian angel (har!) trying to keep me from smoking it. Whatever it was, my Bic (I don't have a three-flame torch lighter or cedar strips or whatever else) got surface-of-the-sun hot before the cigar was entirely lit.

Once lit, the draw loosened up considerably. The first few puffs yielded none of the tobacco, earth, spice, leather, cedar, or anything else promised from the wrapper. In fact, the only flavor I got was a dusty/musty one with a hint of onion/garlic sometimes. It was like rimming out a mummy's butthole. There wasn't a dry finish like I'd expect. In fact, there was almost zero finish. None. Which was kind of nice, actually, since the flavor wasn't one you wanted to have stick around.

So why did I continue to smoke it? Well, I had it in my head to do a review and I figured to be fair I ought to do the whole thing (or at least more than the first inch) to see if it changed. Thankfully, it eventually did.

The musty/dusty flavor continued on through maybe the first half before it mercifully vanished. It was replaced with a generic cigar flavor with a bit of gamey meat flavor to it. This would be the sweet spot, I suppose, but yeesh. Boring. You could package the middle third with a white band that just said "CIGAR" on it.

The final third hit generic spicy notes with a hot pepper mouthfeel.

Overall, the cigar was loose as hell. It took me about an hour to smoke, and it was a Churchill! The burn was all over the place, and it felt like the cigar needed constant maintenance to stay lit; either touch-ups from my lighter or puffing on it like a cartoon villain to keep the cherry hot.

Final verdict: The Pura Sangre is not fit for human consumption. While smoking it, I figured the price per stick would be about $4 which worked itself down to my imagining it to be part of those bundles where you get 20 cigars for $22. Imagine how quickly my jaw hit the floor when I saw that Tampa Humidor sells a single Churchill for $9.10, and $150.95 for a box of 20. Trololo. I could give you a numerical rating but what's the point? It's easily the worst cigar I've ever smoked.

A final fun note: the Ventura Cigar website seems to be down except for that one page, which makes me think this whole thing was either a Mafia money-laundering scheme or somebody lost a bet.

____________________________________
Boring disclaimer-y stuff
I'm not an expert and I don't claim to be. I'm a jerkoff with a Dell and an Internet connection. This cigar was provided free, but if you think that influenced my review at all, you're an idiot. I don't solicit freebies. That said, if you're a cigar maker and you want to send me free stuff, I won't say no. I guarantee a fair review. Anybody who wants to contact me can do so at NTredray /at\ g mail dot com. Me mentioning Tampa Humidor is not an endorsement or indictment.

NFL Predictions Week 15

Holy moley, last week's 1pm games were brutal to me: 3-7 just like that. I do a pick 'em contest at a cigar website and last week the prize was a 5-pack from Don Pepin Garcia. I cannot begin to tell you how badly I wanted to win, but I lost to some jackoff who picked not only a) the Chargers but b) the Panthers and c) the Jaguars. Plus I'm out of my fantasy playoffs.

...and everyone in it

Last week: 8-8
Season: 131-76

Thursday
Cincinnati (7-6) at Philadelphia (4-9) - Boy, what a garbage end to the Bucs/Eagles game last week. Both of these teams had their games come down to the final play last week with the Eagles getting lucky and the Bengals being unlucky. The Eagles looked like they haven't completely given up on the season but the Bucs looked like they were playing Madden with their "throw deep, throw deep, throw deep, punt" play-calling. Anyway, the Eagles are still kind of a mess and the Bengals maybe not as much. This is fun: even though they won last week, the Eagles are officially eliminated from the playoffs.

Sunday
NY Giants (8-5) at Atlanta (11-2) - Shoooo... this could be a good one if you like offense. The Giants had a huge week against the Saints last week: Eli threw four TDs and the G-Men put up 52 points. The last time these teams met was last year's wild card round when the Falcons lost 24-2 *snicker*. You'd think they'd put up at least one TD in this game, but who knows? Their run game is non-existent and the Giants have a fantastic front four.

Minnesota (7-6) at St. Louis (6-6-1) - Who knows. The Vikings surprised me by beating the Bears last week and the Rams are on a three-game winning streak, including a win over the vaunted 49ers. Christian Ponder and the Vikes are 1-5 on the road this year and the Rams are 4-3 at home. I'm giving the nod to the home team here.

Jacksonville (2-11) at Miami (5-8) - Eesh. Two teams out of the playoffs basically meeting up to see who drafts... I dunno, Heisman finalist Mantis Tebow or whoever. The Jags are 1-9 in their past 10; the Fins are 1-5 in their last six. The Dolphins have a surprisingly stout defense when it comes to third downs, though, so I'm giving them the nod here. This promises to be a low-scoring affair and anything can happen when two teams as awful as these meet, but I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Green Bay (9-4) at Chicago (8-5) - The Bears started the year 7-1 but have lost four of their last five. Sad trombone. Jay Cutler is 1-7 against the Pack following the Week 2 loss, and should be 1-8 Monday morning. The Packers clinch the NFC North with a win here.

Washington (7-6) at Cleveland (5-8) - Zuh?? The Redskins are on a four-game winning streak and the Browns are on a three-game streak?? Jinkies! Anyway, Robert "Are Gee Three" Griffin, III hasn't been ruled out for this game but he's got a bum knee which doesn't bode well. Even if Kirk Cousins starts, as Redskins head coach Pierre Garçon seems to think he will, the offense around him should be able to put up more points than the mummified remains of 129-year-old Brandon Weeden.

Tampa Bay (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8) - Both of these teams are riding three-game losing skids right out of the playoffs. The Bucs have kept it close in their losses, though, losing by a combined score of 11. The Saints, on the other hand, lost by 10 to the 49ers and the Falcons, and then by infinity points in a 52-27 stomping last week against the Giants. The Saints won the last matchup between these two in Week 7 despite the Bucs more or less matching New Orleans' scores one-for-one. I don't have a ton of faith in the Bucs' offense or defense at this point, at least as it relates to winning football games.

Denver (10-3) at Baltimore (9-4) - Can the Broncos extend their streak to nine wins? Why not? Ravens offensive coordinator Cam Cameron got canned in an effort to shake things up in Baltimore. Manning is still on a tear: still completing 70% of his passes, still throwing for a shade under 300 yards/game, and has thrown 19 TDs to 7 INTs during this streak. At this rate, the Broncos could rack up the most wins in the league. Don't discount the Ravens, though. They're in a "win and in" situation this week and will of course be playing hard. This ought to be a great game to watch.

Indianapolis (9-4) at Houston (11-2) - Peyton's former team is on a tear, too, going 7-1 in their past eight games. They're in a position to make the playoffs on their own if they can win here. The Texans got murdered last week against the Patriots, losing 42-14 in a game that was 21-0 at the half. But! They're 5-1 at home and 4-0 against the AFC South this year. The NFL Schedu-Matic 2000 has these teams meeting again in week 17 which might be good news for the Colts if the Texans are resting starters. As it is, Houston clinches the division with a win here, which they will get.

Detroit (4-9) at Arizona (4-9) - Yikes. The Lions have lost five straight and the Cardinals have lost nine straight, including a terrible 8-turnover 58-0 loss to Seattle last week. The Lions are less of a mess and get the nod here.

Carolina (4-9) at San Diego (5-8) - The Chargers aren't officially eliminated from the playoffs. The Panthers, despite an upset win last week, are. That doesn't mean the Panthers are going to play any less hard or that the Chargers will play any mo' betta, but against a weakish Carolina D, I like San Diego's chances.

Seattle (8-5) at Buffalo (5-8) - O Canada, eh? The Bills and the Seahawks better have their passpourts in order, because this one is being played in Touronto, Canada. Even though the Seahawks are 2-5 on the road this year, they did beat the Bears in their last away game which is no small feat, eh? And hey, they did just put up 58 points (against the Cardinals, but still).

Pittsburgh (7-6) at Dallas (7-6) - Hm. Despite both teams having winning records, this one might be sort of a shit-show. The Steelers lost to the Chargers last week, and the Cowboys can't seem to get it together. Dez Bryant has a broken finger, but it's not like the Cowboys have been 13-0 this year with him on the field.

Kansas City (2-11) at Oakland (3-10) - Ugh. The last time the Raiders won this year was Week 8 against the Chiefs. The last time the Chiefs won was when 11 white guys in leather helmets ran the wishbone against 11 other white guys in leather helmets^{[citation needed]}.

(SNF) San Francisco (9-3-1) at New England (10-3) - I don't care how good you allegedly are, if you can't beat the Rams you can't beat the Patriots. But hey, against a crap-ish Pats defense, the Niners ought to put up enough fireworks to keep eyes on the TV for the primetime matchup.

Monday
NY Jets (6-7) at Tennessee (4-9) - The Jets have been dismal on offense in their past six games; they've scored an average of 14.3 points/game. That might change against a Titans team allowing 32 points and 422 total yards per game at home this year.

NFL Predictions Week 14

Last week: 11-5
Season: 123-68

Thursday
Denver (9-3) at Oakland (3-9) - The Raiders will probably get Darren McFadden back, but against a defense that held the Buccaneers to 71 yards rushing, ehhhh. The Broncos killed the Raiders 37-6 in Week 4 and this one will end much the same way. Oakland will not be playing meaningful football in 2013 until September.

Sunday
St. Louis (5-6-1) at Buffalo (5-7) - Well, it only took 10 damn quarters but we finally found out the Rams can barely edge the 49ers this year. Neither of these teams has the power to dominate the other, especially with Danny Amendola and Steve Johnson questionable for the Rams and Bills respectively. Buffalo gets the edge with the NFL's 4th-best rushing attack (147.9 yards/game) against the Rams' middling rush defense.

Dallas (6-6) at Cincinnati (7-5) - Fun fact: The Cowboys are 3-3 on the road this year and the Bengals are 3-3 at home. Hm! The Cowboys are 3-1 in their last four games, but two of those wins are against the hapless Eagles. The Bengals are on a four-game win streak, and okay three of those were against the hapless-er AFC West but the fourth was against the Giants. The last time I praised Jay Gruden's offense, Cincy lost so I won't do it again.

Kansas City (2-10) at Cleveland (4-8) - Look, I could make rafts of tasteless jokes about how both of these teams have been hit by tragedy off (and on) the field and how if I was on the Chiefs or lived in Cleveland I'd be suicidal, too, but suicide isn't really funny to me this week. If you need help, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and get info from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, too.

Tennessee (4-8) at Indianapolis (8-4) - Hell yeah, let's bounce out of that Debbie Downer depression talk with some motherfuckin' LEUKEMIA! WOOOOOOOO! The Colts had a close shave against the Titans in Week 8, winning 19-13 in OT, and they're coming off an amazing comeback against the Lions but I think we'll see a wider gap between the scores this week. ESPN points out that the Colts have five wins by four or fewer points this year, but they'll take 'em. The Texans clinched a spot in the playoffs already, but if the season ended today the Colts would be the first Wild Card team.

Chicago (8-4) at Minnesota (6-6) - Fun fact: The Bears are 1-3 in their last four while the Vikings are 1-4 in their last five. Bears WRs Earl Bennett and Devin Hester are concussed; Vikings WR Percival J. Harvin, III is still out with (ankle). Chicago won against Minnesota in Week 12, and shouldn't have much difficulty going for seven straight wins over the Vikes in Week 14.

San Diego (4-8) at Pittsburgh (7-5) - Well, well. Flippin' Charlie Batch led the Stillers to a win against the Ravens last week. Ben "I Have to Call Him an 'Alleged' Rapist but I Can Call Him a 'Definite Asshole'" Roethlisberger will probably be out again, but even Batch can get a win against the Chargers here.

Philadelphia (3-9) at Tampa Bay (6-6) - The Bucs have dropped their last two after putting together a sweet four-game win streak. The Eagles have a streak of their own going: eight straight losses. They have not won a game since September. They are really awful this year. Bucs win by a bunch.

Baltimore (9-3) at Washington (6-6) - Joe Flacco looked pretty stink-o last week against Pittsburgh (16 of 34 for 188 yards, for example) and he plays poorly on the road (4 TDs, 4 INTs) so far. That said, the Redskins aren't the Steelers and this one ought to go to the Ravens.

Atlanta (11-1) at Carolina (3-9) - GIVE US CLAUSEN! This is a no-brainer pick. But hey, fun fact: as farty as the Panthers are, they're still not eliminated from the playoffs!

NY Jets (5-7) at Jacksonville (2-10) - The Jets are so bad Fireman Ed quit. The Jags are worse, of course, but they never had a superfan of their own to quit. (Perhaps Methman Justin? "M-E-T-H! *rest of stadium* METH! METH! METH!") Anyway, even with Rory(?) McElroy or whoever under center, the Jets will score barely enough points to edge the sad Jags. This here's my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF METH THE WEEK. Oh and btw the Jags are eliminated from playoff contention this year and probably the next four.

new team mascot

Miami (5-7) at San Francisco (8-3-1) - 49ers fans are hoping that Alex Smith has been relegated to the ash heap of history. Even though the Niners bizarrely couldn't beat the g-d Rams in 150 minutes of football, Colin Kaepernick is the wave of the future.

Arizona (4-8) at Seattle (7-5) - Like the Eagles, other-bird-mascot-team the Cardinals haven't won since September. The Cardinals beat yet-another-bird-mascot-team the Seahawks to open the season as they went 4-0 to start the year. Of course, I just told you what's happened since. Plus the Seahawks are 5-0 at home and shouldn't have much trouble making it 6-0 against Ryan Lindley and the Cards.

New Orleans (5-7) at NY Giants (7-5) - Drew Brees threw 5 INTs last week and broke his 435356-game streak of consecutive games with TD passes but Pew pew pew! We got a shootout in the works! 63-59 final score.

(SNF) Detroit (4-8) at Green Bay (8-4) - The Packers are 6-1 in their last seven games. The Lions are ... hell, I dunno, 0-5 in their last three? Green Bay beat Detroit 24-20 three weeks ago.

Monday
Houston (11-1) at New England (9-3) - Not sure if this counts as an upset or not. You've got the two highest-scoring offenses in the NFL playing here, but the Texans have the better defense by far and I do b'lieve that gives them the edge here.

NFL Predictions Week 13

Another rough week last week. The Thanksgiving games being fairly obvious picks saved my bacon. Of course, I thought a lot of those Sunday picks were obvious (Pittsburgh, Tennessee) and look how that shook out.

Last week: 9-7
Season: 112-63

Thursday
New Orleans (5-6) at Atlanta (10-1) - Drew Brees as a Saint is 11-2 against the Falcons, including Week 10's 31-27 win against these same Falcons. The Saints are a different team this year, though. They're not as cohesive. They'll still put up a ton of points but they'll also allow a ton and I think the Falcons edge it out here.

Sunday Jacksonville (2-9) at Buffalo (4-7) - Of course this is my CBS early game. Barf. If Chad Henne wants what's best for his team, he will stab Blaine Gabbert in his throwing arm. Henne has combined for 615 yards and six TDs in the two games he's seen action in. The Jaguars beat the Titans last week, buuuut the Titans are pretty bad. The Bills are at least a little less bad and should edge the Jaguars here.

Seattle (6-5) at Chicago (8-3) - I kinda dropped the ball on the Bears pick last week, but I figured Cutler would be out and I was too lazy to change my pick after I heard he was good to go. Meh. The Seahawks are just 1-5 on the road; the Bears are 5-1. The Seahawks allow 16.8 points/game; the Bears allow 15.9. A 14-7 final score.

Indianapolis (7-4) at Detroit (4-7) - The Colts are 5-1 in their last six games (CHUCKSTRONG); the Lions have lost three straight. Look for... Jim Schwartz will have the challenge flag literally stapled to his ass.

Minnesota (6-5) at Green Bay (7-4) - The Vikings are 1-3 in their last four games. The Packers got roughed up by the Giants last week, but were 5-0 going into that game. Greg Jennings could make a return in this one, but it's not like he's the one piece the Packers need to win (the Packers are 5-2 without him). Kyle Rudolph might be out with a concussion; that's a bigger deal for the Vikings' offense, but it won't be a game-changer if he's on the field.

Houston (10-1) at Tennessee (4-7) - The Texans stomped the Titans mightily in Week 4 (38-14). Jake Locker got knocked out of that game; he's back now, and completing a whopping 51.6% of his passes. The Texans don't have any linebackers left, but even with their defense depleted they'll be able to handle the Titans in 60 minutes- no overtime needed.

Carolina (3-8) at Kansas Shitty (1-10) -

Huuaaagh.

As gut-wrenchingly awful as these two teams are, I'm still making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. The Chiefs aren't turning the ball over as willy-nilly as they were (three in their last three games as opposed to 3.6 per game in the first eight games), but they're still not scoring for shit (four straight with less than 14 points; 14.6 points/game average for the year). Even the Panthers can top that. Oh and congratulations to the Chiefs for being the first team to be eliminated from the playoffs. Have a party.

San Francisco (8-2-1) at St. Louis (4-6-1) - These teams will meet again and try to play to a win. Three weeks ago, Alex Smith was the QB for the Niners. This time, Colin Kaepernick will probably be under center. I'd rather have a quarterback with a huge snoot than one with baby hands, and it seems like Jim Harbaugh's teeth agree.

New England (8-3) at Miami (5-6) - What do you need to know? Tawm is 14-6 against Miami in his career.

Arizona (4-7) at NY Jets (4-7) -

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Cardinals are garbage; the only reason there's not a similar video for them is because they have no fans. "Oh well," say Arizonans, "our team is losing at halftime. Let's leave now and go back to smoking meth in our trailers and having our skin turned into beef jerky by the desert sun."

Tampa Bay (6-5) at Denver (8-3) - The Broncos are getting exactly what they wanted and expected when they signed Peyton Manning. They lead the AFC West, and have won six straight. Peyton has thrown 2+ TDs nine times in 11 games, and has at least 270 passing yards for nine straight. The Bucs, on the other hand, were on a four-game streak before losing by one friggin' point to the Falcons last week. This will be another close game, but in the end I see it coming down to whichever QB can lead a 4th-quarter comeback last.

Cincinnati (6-5) at San Diego (4-7) - The Chargers are 1-6 in their last seven, with their lone win coming against awful Kansas City. The Bengals are on a three-game win streak in which they've scored 93 points. Cincy QB Andy Dalton has 9 TDs and 0 INTs during those three games. If I was in the Chargers' front office, I'd have gone Lovecraft insane thinking about Eli Manning and Drew Brees compared to our QB.

Pittsburgh (6-5) at Baltimore (9-2) - The Stillers better g-d hope Ben Roethlisberger is back this week. EIGHT turnovers to the Browns last week. Not all of them were Charlie Batch's fault, but still. Gaddamn. Anyway, it won't really matter in the end. The Ravens are the better team.

Cleveland (3-8) at Oakland (3-8) - Holy God. Two awful teams go ass to ass to see who can poop and fart all over themselves more. Brandon Weeden might be out with a concussion but it's not like Colt McCoy is gonna be a miracle-worker or anything.

(SNF) Philadelphia (3-8) at Dallas (5-6) - The Eagles are a big shitty mess basically running out the clock on the rest of their season. The Cowboys still think they have a shot at the playoffs, which is cute, but as long as they're matched up against hapless 3-8 teams, they'll prevail.

Monday
NY Giants (7-4) at Washington (5-6) - NFC East matchups in primetime, eh? Okay, NFL schedulers. Anyway, for mouthbreathers who like watching home run derbies, this game will be entertaining as hell. Eli Manning threw three TDs against the Packers last week, and RGTheThird threw four TDs (for the second straight game) on Thanksgiving. With the Giants' secondary struggling as it is, and RG3's strategy of "Fuck it, goin' deep" coming together, this one will be full of scoring.

NFL Predictions Week 12

Happy Turkey Day!

I'm updating this on Saturday. I'd just like to point out I was 3/3 on Thanksgiving picks. Heh. The one thing I didn't predict was how high-scoring all three games would be. In another pick 'em, I said the combined score of all three games would be 150 points, and that was way high compared to everyone else's prediction. The total was like 202 or something equally insane-balls. And how about Fireman Ed on Thanksgiving? Just sitting there with a thousand-yard stare like somebody shot his dog. Gobble gobble!

Last week: 12-2
Season: 103-56

Thursday
Houston (9-1) at Detroit (4-6) - The Texans are allowing less than two TDs a game on the road this year (13.7 points/game) and are rolling. The Lions committed four turnovers last week against the Packers.

Washington (4-6) at Dallas (5-5) - This one could be a shootout. Robert Griffin The Third threw for 200 yards even and FOUR TDs on just 14 completions (out of 15 attempts). Yowza. All the highlights I saw of the 'Skins last week were RG3 heaving the ball deep to either triple-covered or blown-coverage-wide-open Santana Moss. Exciting stuff. Anywho, obviously neither of these teams are spectacular so it'll probably come down to who has the ball last in a 63-56 shootout.

New England (7-3) at NY Jets (4-6) - The Jets cost me a chance to win some free cigars and BBQ tools last week with their win over the Rams last week, ruining a 100% accuracy rate on Sunday's games. So you may have heard Rob "The Big" Gronkowski broke his arm blocking on a garbage-time PAT (and there's a whole blog post in the discussion about why or why not your star TE should be blocking on a PAT when you're up by 28) but it won't matter. Wes Welker and Julian Edelman and Brandon Lloyd and Tawm and Stevan Ridley will be just fine.

Sunday
Minnesota (6-4) at Chicago (7-2) - This pick hinges on Jay Cutler's concussed brain. Jason Campbell's non-concussed but still-awful brain might be getting murdered by the Vikings' defense.

Oakland (3-7) at Cincinnati (5-5) - Cincy stomped the Chiefs by 22 points (yeah, the Chiefs, but still) last week and the Giants by 18 the game before that. Oakland have lost by 10, 35, and 21. Take the over. The Raiders are allowing points like it's their job (it's not) and the Bengals are scoring points like it's theirs (it is).

Pittsburgh (6-4) at Cleveland (2-8) - Barf. The Steelers are 16-1 in the past 17 games between these two, and even with Charles K. Batch under center, the Steelers won't have much trouble making it 17-1 in 18.

Buffalo (4-6) at Indianapolis (6-4) - Indy lost to the Pats last week, in large part thanks to four Andrew "Irish" Luck INTs, including two picks-six. Luck is a good QB and will make adjustments, though. The Bills' passing defense is mediocre and won't force the same mistakes the Pats did.

Denver (7-3) at Kansas City (1-9) - Fun fact: as nightmarishly shitty as the Chiefs have been this year (seven-game losing streak in which they've never scored more than 20 points; averaging 12 points/game) they are still not eliminated from the playoffs. As a contrast sure to upset sweet old ladies not afraid to tell Chiefs players they need to start winning some games, Peyton "Rub Some Dirt on It" Manning is racking up 295 yards/game with 13 total TDs in the Broncos' five-game winning streak. Willis McGahee is out and Ronnie Hillman is expected to start. Hillman had ~3,000 yards rushing in two seasons for San Diego State. I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Seattle (6-4) at Miami (4-6) - Speaking of losing streaks and 12[.3] points a game, the Dolphins. The Seahawks are 6-4 only because they've played five games at home. They're 1-4 on the road this year but ought to make it 2-4 against a Dolphins defense that has been unable to force any turnovers in their losing skid.

Atlanta (9-1) at Tampa Bay (6-4) - "The Bucs are on a four-game losing streak and look like poo as usual and oh God fire everyone." That's a macro I have ready to go whenever the Bucs play. They're actually on a four-game winning streak despite getting jobbed on a Doug Martin "fumble" towards the end of last week's OT win against the Panthers. They're putting up 34.8 points and 403 total yards per game in their last four. Having said that, the Falcons are playing really well. So well, in fact, that last week they won despite SIX turnovers including 5 Matty Ice INTs. If he does that again this week, though, the Dirty Birds will be 9-2.

Tennessee (4-6) at Jacksonville (1-9) - Another fun fact: the Jags are also not eliminated from playoff contention this year. Nobody is, actually. Anywho, the Jags almost beat the Texans last week, which is weird. But the Titans have this Chris Johnson back and the Jaguars have the 29th-ranked run D to go with a 28th-ranked pass D. They're really, really bad on both sides of the ball. Hopefully last week's 354-yard performance by Chad "Not Blaine Gabbert" Henne will prove to whatever decision-making-chicken that sets Jacksonville's depth chart that Blaine Gabbert is not the future of the franchise.

Baltimore (8-2) at San Diego (4-6) - The Chargers only have two wins in their past eight games, both against the Chiefs. The Ravens are 3-0 this month, putting up 93 points to opponents' 45. San Diego is kind of a mess right now, but watch this Danario Alexander kid. He's had three TDs in the last two games after riding pine for the first six games of the season.

St. Louis (3-6-1) at Arizona (4-6) - Ewwwww. The Rams are winless in their last five. The Cards are winless in their last six. Home team (and team which forced six turnovers last week) gets the nod.

San Francisco (6-2-1) at New Orleans (5-5) - Drew Brees has been on fire lately, with 18 TDs in the Saints' past six games. These teams last met in last year's playoffs and it was a ridiculous high-scoring affair. Don't expect anything different this time around.

(SNF) Green Bay (7-3) at NY Giants (6-4) - The Packers are hot now with a five-game win streak and the Giants are 0-2 in November. This is another 2011 playoff rematch (the Giants won that one) and ought to be damn good. If the NFC East keeps losing, the Giants could make the playoffs as a 6-10 team and I can't even begin to tell you how badly I want that to happen.

Monday
Carolina (2-8) at Philadelphia (3-7) - Who even cares? This is a terrible matchup between two terrible teams. LeSean McCoy is concussed and Michael Vick can't read a Dr. Seuss book- and that was before his concussion (HI-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!). Seriously, though, Vick is severely concussed and will probably never function at the level he did before this- which is good for dogs and women without herpes (HI-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!). I kid, I kid. Wishing you a full and speedy recovery, Ron.

NFL Week 12

Not that anyone actually cares but here are my Thanksgiving picks just in case I can't get an article out before kickoff.And here is the rest of it.

NFL Predictions Week 11

What the hell happened last week, man? Upsets all over the damn place. I think this was my worst week since the scab refs were sent back to the ACC where they belong.

Last week: 7-6
Season: 91-54

Thursday
Miami (4-5) at Buffalo (3-6)- Miami got smoked by the Titans last week (!?!?!) so they'll be looking to tighten up against a team they've beaten six out of the last eight times they played. The defense I've talked up in the past was on the field last week a lot due to three INTs, so let's hope the Dolphins have that sorted out.

Sunday
Arizona (4-5) at Atlanta (8-1) - BIIIIIRD FIIIIGHT! The Falcons got their first loss out of the way last week as they played like garbage against the Saints (18 team rushes for 46 yards against the worst rush defense in the league [177 yards per game]). The Cardinals, by comparison, have been playing like garbage since September, losing their last five games. Remember when they beat the Patriots in Week 2? Hahaha. Anyway, you could argue that the Falcons haven't played the toughest Ds in the world, and you'd be right, and you could argue that the Falcons have only rushed for more than 100 yards twice this season and you'd be right again, AND you could argue that the Cardinals still have the league's 2nd-best pass defense and- Hey, shut up for a second! Jesus. The Cardinals have scored a total of 53 points in their last five games and that ain't gonna cut the mustard against the Falcons' D.

Cleveland (2-7) at Dallas (4-5) - Last week I turned the Cowboys/Eagles game on just in time to see a punt returned all the way followed by a pick six breaking what was a tie game wide open. Dallas has looked butt-awful at times this year but the Browns have looked worse more often. This ought to be the Cowboys' first home win since Sept. 23.

Green Bay (6-3) at Detroit (4-5) - The last time these teams met (Jan. 1, 2012), it looked like the 1997 North Hollywood bank robbery as Matthew Stafford and Matt Flynn (haha remember him? What's he up to? Oh, right getting paid millions to watch football games in Seattle) combined for 1,000 passing yards and ELEVEN TOUCHDOWNS. The Packers won that one 45-41 and let's hope we're treated to another shootout.

Cincinnati (4-5) at Kansas City (1-8) - If there's a team in the league worse than the Browns, it'd be the Chiefs. At home this year they're scoring 16.5 points a game on average, and giving up 4.3 turnovers PER GAME. Yes, the Chiefs only threw one INT last week and yes they forced overtime against the Steelers but come on, man. The Benglas looked less Bungles last week as Andy Dalton and Jay Gruden's offense scored four touchdowns to four different receivers in a 31-13 thrashing of the Giants.

NY Jets (3-6) at St. Louis (3-5-1) - Ugh. Ties. Both of these teams are a complete disaster lately. They're both on long not-winning (you can't say "losing" because of the goddamn tie) streaks and who knows they could play to a 0-0 tie and just fart all over each other for 75 minutes. Anyway, the Rams are 7-1 against the Jets since 1986, so there's a fact.

Philadelphia (3-6) at Washington (3-6) - The way things are going in the NFC East lately, the Giants could make the playoffs with a 6-10 record. Nick Foles had some flashes of brilliance in what I saw of his time on the field last week against Dallas, but mostly looked helpless (although that's also because he had like 8 minutes to climb out of a hole his team dug itself into). He'll do better this week, but not by much. The Redskins are coming off a bye which might give them the edge. By the way, after that 4th quarter pick six, the camera showed Andy Reid on the sideline and I could see him realize that was the interception that cost him his job.

The most Philly image ever

Tampa Bay (5-4) at Carolina (2-7) - Tampa Bay has won three straight games (and it would've been five if they hadn't been jobbed against New Orleans), has the fourth-most points in the league, and the third-best points per game average. I'm gonna dare to dream a bit here and say that with the offense (finally) firing they'll be able to overcome a bipolar defense (best against the run, worst against the pass) and replicate their Week 1 victory against the Panthers here. Plus the Kitties are 0-4 in their last four home games. So I'll make this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Jacksonville (1-8) at Houston (8-1) - ahahahahahaha the last time these teams met, the Texans outgained the Jaguars 411-117. Houston's won their last three; Jacksonville's lost their last SIX.

New Orleans (4-5) at Oakland (3-6) - As you'd expect from a trip to a place known as Bodymore, Murderland the Raiders had grievous harm done to them last week in a 55-10 loss to the Ravens. How shitty are the Raiders? They actually gained 422 yards in that game. Think about how terrible you have to be to gain that many yards and then score so few points. Not that the Saints have been doing much better either at 4-5. All in all, expect the Saints to just throw forever and see what happens.

Indianapolis (6-3) at New England (6-3) - These teams have met 12 times in the past nine seasons, partly because it makes sense the AFC's road to the Super Bowl would go through Tom Brady and Peyton Manning and partly because if I were in charge of NFL scheduling I'd be a big dumb baby not to make them dance around like dolls before doing weird things with them. Anywho, Peyton Manning's not on the Colts anymore (you may have heard something about that during the offseason) and Andrew Luck (the next franchise QB in Indy) has 2 TDs and 7 INTs in road games this year.

San Diego (4-5) at Denver (6-3) - Speaking of Peyton Manning (look how old that phone is!)... The other horse team is on a four-game winning streak which began against... the Chargers. Ruh-roh! In their past six games against the Broncos in Denver, San Diego are 5-1. It's worth mentioning that Peyton Manning was the Denver QB in 0 of those six games.

(SNF) Baltimore (7-2) at Pittsburgh (6-3) - Oh, dear. I'm sure this game looked much better before Ben "Maybe Rapist" Roethlisberger was benched for Byron Leftwich. Anywho, the Ravens are red-hot and the Steelers struggled against the Chiefs and it's nap time so Flacco, et al. get the nod.

Monday
Chicago (7-2) at San Francisco (6-2-1) - Jay Cutler and Alex Smith suffered concussions last Sunday so in order to keep their brains from leaking out of their ears, the Bears and 49ers could start Jason Campbell and Colin Kaepernick, respectively. Which makes this game perfect for Monday Night. Anyway, Alex Smith might be closer to coming back but either way the Niners get the nod.

NFL Week 10 Predictions

Forward, Comrades! Venceremos!

An election happened. America died. I'm a liberal who lives in a swing state. Rather than vote for my preferred candidate I chose Obama. I'm not proud of it, per se, but I'm happy Mitt Romney didn't win. So pour yourself a drink and let's do some football picks.

Last week: 11-3
Season: 84-48

Thursday
Indianapolis (5-3) at Jacksonville (1-7) - Jacksonville is 3-0 against Peyton-Manning-less Indy. These teams met earlier in the year and the Jaguars won on a literal last-minute touchdown. The Colts are clicking now, though. In the last three games they've allowed a total of 46 points, and Andrew Luck set a rookie passing record last week. As such, I'm making this my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Sunday
NY Giants (6-3) at Cincinnati (3-5) - The G-Men were on a four-game winning streak prior to last week's loss to the Steelers. The Bungles are on a four-game losing streak, including three straight at home. Look for that streak to continue while the Giants start a new win streak.

Tennessee (3-6) at Miami (4-4) - Reginald Bush has to be excited to face a weak Titans run defense, while Davone Bess and Brian Hartline are no doubt excited to face a weak Titans pass D. Whoever gets legitimately raped by the Dolphins, be it the secondary or the the front seven, the Titans don't have a way of shutting the whole thing down.

Detroit (4-4) at Minnesota (4-4) - Two NFC North teams meeting in the middle as one heads down and t'other heads up. The Lions were 1-3 to start the year while the Vikings were 3-1, but they've gone 3-1 and 1-3 respectively in their last four games. Christian Ponder has been erratic and without Percival J. Harvin, III he'll be more so.

Buffalo (3-5) at New England (5-3) - Fun fact: in the past 18 games these teams have played, the Patriots are 17-1. Tom Brady threw three TDs and rushed for another when these teams met in Week 4.

Atlanta (8-0) at New Orleans (3-5) - This is going to be a great game. Both teams will air it out all afternoon but I think the Falcons get the edge.

San Diego (4-4) at Tampa Bay (4-4) - Fun fact: if it weren't for the Chiefs, the Chargers would be 0-6 in their last six games. Tampa's rookie Doug Martin has rushed for 465 yards in his past two games alone. While he won't be able to put up 200+ yards for a third week in a row, the combination of Martin and a decent passing game ought to be enough to give the Bucs the edge in this one.

Denver (5-3) at Carolina (2-6) - Peyton Manning is Peyton Manning, basically. In his past three games the Broncos have scored 100+ points. In his past five games, he's thrown three TD passes with a 76% completion percentage and a 316 yards/game average.

Oakland (3-5) at Baltimore (6-2) - Doug Martin has been compared to Ray Rice. Doug Martin went apeshit on the Raiders last week. Ray Rice is Ray Rice. Ray Rice will go apeshit on the Raiders this week.

NY Jets (3-5) at Seattle (5-4) - The Seahawks are perfect* at home this season. The Jets are 1-4 in their last five games. If the Seahawks' defense can give Aaron Rodgers trouble, they won't have much trouble putting Mark Sanchez on his back.

Dallas (3-5) at Philadelphia (3-5) - Boy, who's the less-shitty mess in this matchup? Home team gets the nod here.

St. Louis (3-5) at San Francisco (6-2) - The Rams have only scored 41 points in their last three games. That ain't good when they're going against a team that has allowed 0, 3, 6, and 3 points in their last four wins.

(SNF) Houston (7-1) at Chicago (7-1) - Now this is a fine way to cap a Sunday full of football. Houston is scoring a second-best 29.6 points per game. Chicago, no doubt helped by last week's 51-point stomping of the Titans, is third-best with 29.5 points per game. Defensively, both teams are in the top five in any number of metrics (points per game, yards per game, total yards, etc.) This one will be decided by a turnover (or two), and while the Texans are doing fine with 14 takeaways (and a +8 differential), the Bears have twice as many; 28 takeaways for a +16 differential. This is going to be a flipping amazing game.

Monday
Kansas City (1-7) at Pittsburgh (5-3) - And here you have a greasy turd of a game. The dumpster fire that is the Chiefs' offense heads to Pittsburgh to get murdered by the league's best defense. You want turnover differential? Kansas City's is NEGATIVE TWENTY. That's really, really bad.

Bye weeks: Arizona, Cleveland, Green Bay, Washington

NFL Week 9 Predictions

Last week: 10-4
Season: 73-45

Happy Halloween!

And there you have an October, folks. Also, we're sort of halfway through the season as some teams have already played 8 games. Sad face.

Thursday
Kansas City (1-6) at San Diego (3-4) - Fact: neither of these teams won a game last month. Fact: the NFL is less fun without Todd Haley as a head coach.

Sunday
Denver (4-3) at Cincinnati (3-4) - Peyton "Construction Reroute!" Manning is red-hot of late, with 1,619 yards, 14 TDs, and 1 INT in his last five games. Andy Dalton, on the other hand, has 5 TDs and 6 INTs in his last three games. Look for... Peyton and pizza asshole John Schnatter to see who can say "meeyin free pizzas" more per 30-second TV spot.

Baltimore (5-2) at Cleveland (2-6) - Fact: Joe Flacco has never lost to the Browns. Fact: He ain't gonna lose this game, either. Both teams' defenses are stout as hell right now, though, so it's possible this one ends in a 3-3 tie.

Arizona (4-4) at Green Bay (5-3) - I'd check the injury reports on Jordy Nelson and Greg Jennings for fantasy, but I'm picking the Pack to win this regardless. They're on a three-game winning streak where Aaron Rodgers is completing 70% of his passes with 11 TDs and zero INTs. Look for... My immediate thought was an Arizona team in Wisconsin in November would have adjustment issues, but unless the weather swings dramatically, it won't be "frozen tundra" cold at Lambeau just yet.

Chicago (6-1) at Tennessee (3-5) - Chris Johnson is finally getting his shit together just in time to take on the league's best run defense (77.9 ypg). The Bears' passing offense is a joke, but the Titans' pass defense (and their run D, too) is crap. Da Bears ought to leave Tennessee with their sixth straight win.

Miami (4-3) at Indianapolis (4-3) - Both teams had great Octobers: the Dolphins were 3-0 and the Colts 3-1. Miami's another team with a defense that's keeping them afloat; opponents are converting just 26.4% of third downs. Look for... Ryan Tannehill might be out for this one.

Carolina (1-6) at Washington (3-5) - Well, here it is: the last Redskins home game before Election Day. The good news for Barack Obama is that the Redskins are by far the better of these two teams. The good news for Mitt Romney is that George W. Bush broke this streak, as well as Tecumseh's Curse. Look for... Cam Newton will assassinate Mike Shanahan.

Detroit (3-4) at Jacksonville (1-6) - An awesome cat fight in name only, this is more like two old mummy cats wheezing at each other. Sad, really.

Buffalo (3-4) at Houston (6-1) - How awful must it be for Bills fans? You live in Buffalo, first off. You have no MLB or NBA franchise nearby that doesn't require a passport to go see. Hockey is over forever, and your NFL franchise is the Bills. Anywho, the Texans are this week's Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK pick. The Bills are allowing an NFL-worst 32.4 points per game, while the Texans are scoring a second-best 30.9 ppg. Oh, and Arian Foster is facing the worst run D. Look for... Foster may not be able to run well because of the huge boner he'll have thinking about all his touchdowns.

Tampa Bay (3-4) at Oakland (3-4) - PIRAAAAATE FIIIIIIIIIGHT!! The Bucs get their second straight all-looter matchup. Oakland's run defense is relatively stout (11th best) but so was Minnesota's going into Week 8 and look how that turned out (214 total Doug Martin yards).

Minnesota (5-3) at Seattle (4-4) - Yikes, Seahawks! You're 3-0 at home (Dallas, Green Bay*, New England) but 1-4 on the road! Good thing you're at home here, I guess. And against a team which has allowed 88 points and 8 turnovers in its past three games.

Pittsburgh (4-3) at NY Giants (6-2) - The Steelers have no healthy running backs. The Giants haven't really needed to run, what with the league's sixth-best passing offense and all. The Steelers don't need to run either, given that they have the seventh-best passing O. Still, the Giants' defense ought to rack up some sacks against a QB who likes to hold the ball forever.

(SNF) Dallas (3-4) at Atlanta (7-0) - The Falcons have edged some teams in close games lately (2, 7, 3 points before the Philly game), as have the Cowboys (2, 5, and 5 points). Sad news for Cowboys fans: this one won't be close. Look for... A frustrated Tony Romo will throw something like four picks here.

Monday
Philadelphia (3-4) at New Orleans (2-5) - Ah, this is more like it. Two sub-.500 teams playing on Monday night while ESPN pretends this is THE must-watch game of the week. lol. Anywho, Drew Brees is Drew Brees (20 TDs, 330 ypg) and Michael Vick (9 TDs, 8 INTs) might not even get a chance to be Michael Vick (Nick Foles). I'd rather have diarrhea than watch this game.

Bye weeks: New England, NY Jets, San Francisco, St. Louis

NFL Week 8 Predictions

Last week: 11-2
Season: 63-41

Heck yeah, 11-2! I'm picking seven road teams to win this week. Also, two teams travel across the pond to show those English what football REALLY is. Oh, and Happy Halloween I guess?

Thursday
Tampa Bay (2-4) at Minnesota (5-2) - Fox's NFL officiating guru Mike Peireireiera can feel free to let me know why defenders don't just push all receivers out of bounds in the end zone since that's apparently not a penalty. Having said that... the Bucs have the league's third-best run defense (Did you know that? I didn't.) but the 31st-ranked pass defense. The Vikings are having a weird season, beating some presumed heavy-hitters (San Francisco) while struggling to beat some weaker teams (Jacksonville, Indy) but even if they play down to Tampa, they should emerge victorious here.

Sunday
Carolina (1-5) at Chicago (5-1) - Da Bears are only allowing 13 points per game and the NFC South's Shitty Kitties are only scoring 17.7 per. Cam Newton had some early success last year before a return to Earth. It looks like his success was the fluke and his dumpy performance is the mean. At least the Panthers still have Jimmy Clausen pffahahahaha

San Diego (3-3) at Cleveland (1-6) - Not sure if this counts as an upset alert, given San Diego's fecalizing the bed on a Monday night (allowing 35 second-half points while scoring none; six turnovers from Philip "Traded for Eli Manning" Rivers). Browns RB Trent Richardson has some rib cartilage damage from last week, but the Chargers have allowed 660 passing yards in their last two games (yeah, to Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, but still) and Brandon Weeden seems to be getting his feet under him a bit.

Seattle (4-3) at Detroit (2-4) - The Seahawks are 1-4 on the road this year, but the Lions are slowly collapsing like a flán in a cupboard. Their running game is a mess and their receiving corps goes from Megatron to something called Titus Young. Oh, and Seattle's defense is good.

Jacksonville (1-5) at Green Bay (4-3) - Quite possibly the most obvious Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK ever. Yes, the Packers struggled mightily in the first few games but in his last four games Aaron Rodgers has thrown for 1,234 yards and 16 TDs and just 2 INTs. The Shitty Kitties of the AFC South lost Maurice Jones-Drew last week (that's bad) as well as Blairf Gabbarf (you'd think that's good, but backup Chad Henne was 9-for-20 after Gabbarf went down). Rashad Jennings looked serviceable in replacement of MoJo so pick him up for your fantasy team if you need to, but PETA might get called in to stop the cruelty to animals here.

Indianapolis (3-3) at Tennessee (3-4) - Home team gets the nod here as neither of these teams are an obvious winner. Chris Johnson should be able to have another big week against a defense allowing 134.7 (25th best) yards per game.

New England (4-3) at St. Louis (3-4) - Cheerio, guv'nor! New England goes to Old England in a Super Bowl XXXVI rematch on the pitch at Wembley Stadium. Blimey! The Rams will look a fright this time 'round, too. Not because the old Bill's got 'em on tape (PAL here, mate) but because they're shite without Kurt Warner. Wanker arse fag. Frognal Cockfosters.

Miami (3-3) at NY Jets (3-4) - The Jets won the last meeting between these teams in OT. The Dolphins' defense is good enough to keep this close and the Jets' offense isn't exactly high-flyin' (GET IT?) to boot. The game will ultimately serve as a reminder of when these teams and this rivalry had some relevance. Look for... Fireman Ed to curse the heavens.

Atlanta (6-0) at Philadelphia (3-3) - BIIIIIIRD FIIIIIIIIIIGHT!! Okay, both teams are coming off three-point games before a bye week (Atlanta's a 23-20 win over Oakland; Philly a 26-23 OT loss to Detroit) in which both teams gave up three turnovers. The key difference is that Hotlanta's three turnovers makes seven on the year but Philly's gives them 17. Jeepers.

Washington (3-4) at Pittsburgh (3-3) - The Steelers don't have a running game to speak of (90.2 yards/game) but that's okay because the Redskins have the league's worst pass defense (328.4 yards/game). There are kids old enough to drink who weren't born the last time the 'Skins beat the Steelers.

Oakland (2-4) at Kansas City (1-5) - Two AFC West powerhouses meet to shit all over themselves and each other and roll around and commingle the shit and then it gets in someone's mouth and they barf and someone else barfs and then there's shit and barf and sweat everywhere and it smells and people are crying and screaming at God. The road team has won 10 of the past 11 meetings between these two, so ... yeah.

NY Giants (5-2) at Dallas (3-3) - The Cowboys started the year strong with a win over the G-Men in New York but have since looked rather pedestrian while the Giants have really turned it on. The Giants will look really good on Jerry's enormous high-def stadium TV as they stomp the b-hole out of the Cowboys.

(SNF) New Orleans (2-4) at Denver (3-3) - Drew Brees has had four straight games with at least three TDs. Peyton Manning is coming off a bye after blowing up the Chargers with 35 second-half points. The Saints are not the Chargers, however, and will not be committing 400 consecutive turnovers to keep the Donkos in the game. Sorry, Laser Rocket Arm. Look for... That said, this game will be a shootout with Denver running back Willis McGahee and New Orleans' What's-His-Face not doing a damn thing except pass blocking.

Monday
San Francisco (5-2) at Arizona (4-3) - Since Monday Night Football moved to ESPN, the game has usually been a sad denouement to a solid football Sunday, more often than not featuring teams way out of the playoff race flailing around while Tony Kornheiser and Joe Theismannnnn slap-fought in the booth. BUT! This game has actual playoff ramifications, even if both teams are struggling offensively lately (AZ has scored 33 points in their last three games; SF has scored 16 in their last two).

Bi weeks: Baltimore, Buffalo, Cincinnati, Houston

NFL Week 7 Predictions

Last week: 8-6
Season: 52-39

Last week featured some upsets (Titans & Bills) and a few returns to form (Packers & Giants). This week features some truly awful matchups, but we'll try to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Thursday
Seattle (4-2) at San Francisco (4-2) - If I asked you which team had the most wins in this series since 2003, you'd probably say the 49ers, and you'd be wrong; the 49ers were really bad for a while. But they're good now, I guess, other than last week. This is a toss-up for me and I'm going home team. Alex "Tiny Hands" Smith won't throw three picks (like last week), and San Francisco's defense is good enough to stop any comeback attempts (not-like New England's last week). Look for... Me to be a really insufferable prick about how I called Seattle's win last week.

Sunday
Tennessee (2-4) at Buffalo (3-3) - Boy, you could've knocked me over with a feather last week after both of these teams won. One of these teams has to lose this week, and it's going to be the Titans; their defense just won't be able to contain the Bills' weapons. (For the record I am aware that ties exist in the NFL but they're rare enough that I can say a team "has to win.")

Cleveland (1-5) at Indianapolis (2-3) - Cleveland won last week, snapping their 11-game losing streak. They'll now try for their first back-to-back wins since Weeks 2-3 of 2011. Fun Fact: that Week 2 win came against the Colts in Indy. Also Fun Fact: That was the last time the Browns have won on the road.

"Browns Fan Dunks Head in a Bucket of Urine for $450"
An apt metaphor for Browns fandom and probably living in Cleveland generally

Washington (3-3) at NY Giants (4-2) - Holy God, Robert Griffin The Third, do not run at this front four. You will die. Justin Tuck and his insanely awesome-looking evil helmet are salivating more than when he sees a fresh, delicious, tasty, meaty, turkey-filled Cold Cut Combo. He eats three every day just to keep strong. Look for... Dammit, now I want a sandwich.

New Orleans (1-4) at Tampa Bay (2-3) - Official Mitt Romney Fact*: Tampa's 38 points last week are more than they've scored all year combined. Okay, maybe not but as a Bucs fan it'd be nice to see some redistribution of points. Josh "Huey" Freeman threw for 328 yards and 3 TDs last week. As a fantasy owner of Douglas Martin I was happy to see him get some catches, too. Look for... That idiot Saints fan who filed a class-action suit against the NFL because the Saints suck now to be thrown out of a window.

Dallas (2-3) at Carolina (1-4) - Last week the Cowboys ran for 227 yards against the Ravens. That's the most yards on the ground EVER against Baltimore. They had no answer for the run game. So why the hell did Dallas ever throw the goddamned ball? Aaaanywho, the Panthers are allowing 127.4 rushing yards per game (23rd in the league) and if Felix Jones (DeMarco Murray has a foot injury and may not play) gets the same running room Murray had last week, look out. Oh and then Jason Garrett will call for a pass play and stall the drive.

Baltimore (5-1) at Houston (5-1) - This is another tossup for me. Both teams are playing really well and their records reflect that. I want the Texans to do well, too, especially after their awful first years in the league. Home team gets the nod. Look for... Arian Foster will try to run all over the Ravens, and if that fails Matt Schaub will test whoever's in for Lardarius Webb.

Green Bay (3-3) at St. Louis (3-3) - Interesting Fact: the Rams have allowed an average of 11 points per game in their last three games. Astounding Fact: in 18 career dome games, Aaron Rodgers has thrown 44 TDs and just 7 INTs. Eye-popping.

Arizona (4-2) at Minnesota (4-2) - Vikings QB Christian Ponder has a pretty simple decision-making process: Is Percival J. Harvin, IV open? Throw him the ball. If not, dump it off to Kyle Rudolph. Oh, and hand it off to Adrian Peterson about 25 times. Arizona's simply not scoring enough points to compete, and that definitely won't change with Jack Skellington under center.

NY Jets (3-3) at New England (3-3) - Tawm Brady is 16-5 in his starts against the Jets. Brandon Lloyd might be out with a shoulder injury, but the Pats still have Wes Welker and Deion Branch and Gronk and Hernandez to throw it to and then like four decent running backs to give it to and UGH I JUST WANT TO SPIT IN BELICHICK'S MOUTH

Jacksonville (1-4) at Oakland (1-4) -

UPSET STOMACH ALERT

Who wants Gabbert? WUAHHG

America gets the Jets game and this game as its two 4-o'clock games and since Orlando is close to Jacksonville, I know what horrible game I'll be stuck with on TV. Barf.

(SNF) Pittsburgh (2-3) at Cincinnati (3-3) - And here we have the other end of the equation that started out this article. Both of these teams lost on the road despite being favorites. No other game this week really jumps out at me for Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK so it goes to the Stillers here.

Monday
Detroit (2-3) at Chicago (4-1) - In their last three games, da Bears have FIVE pick-sixes (picks-six?) and outscored their opponents 98-27. The Lions overcame a deficit against Philly in overtime last week, but with a defense as red-hot as Chicago's has been... ich don't think so.

Bye weeks: Atlanta, Denver, Kansas City, Miami, Philadelphia, A Sea Mammal's Birth Canal

NFL Week 6 Predictions

Last week: 10-4
Season: 44-33

While the rest of North America gets their sweaters and electric blankets out, we in Florida are wearing shorts and running the A/C. Sorry 'bout the global warming, polar bears, but it's like 85* during the day here. I'll probably be able to wear jorts right through til the middle of December. I have no light jacket and I must scream.

Thursday
Pittsburgh (2-2) at Tennessee (1-4) - I got a fantasy trade offer the week after Chris Johnson went the eff off: I'd give up Drew Brees and Fat Michael Turner and get Chris Johnson and Ben Roflburger. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Sunday
Oakland (1-3) at Atlanta (5-0) - Welcome to my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. Oakland has allowed 35 and 37 points in their last two games, and Atlanta is averaging just a shade under 30 points per game this year. Atlanta should go into their bye week 6-0.

Cincinnati (3-2) at Cleveland (0-5) - Ugh. Imagine being the Browns: you're the second-best team in your two-team state and the better team is the Bengals. Browns head "coach" Pat "Potentially Fatal Heart" Shurmur must have photos of somebody important, because there's no reason he has a job otherwise.

St. Louis (3-2) at Miami (2-3) - Fun fact: The Dolphins have allowed an average of 20.6 points per game. Another fun fact: The Dolphins have scored an average of 20.6 points per game. Fun statistical extrapolation: The Dolphins are 0-0-5 on the year. The Rams are 1-11 in their past 12 away games and while we just learned that numbers don't tell the whole story, they won't even have the one effective weapon (Danny Amendola) on offense they've relied on of late to win.

Indianapolis (2-2) at NY Jets (2-3) - The Colts looked CHUCKSTRONG as hell last week in coming back down 21-3 over the Packers last week, but it came down to a Reggie Wayne TD reception with 35 seconds left. This one's a coinflip to me and I think it comes up Jets.

Detroit (1-3) at Philadelphia (3-2) - Lions gonna Lion, I guess. They've lost three straight and Matthew Stafford has just 3 TDs to 4 INTs this year. Of course, Michael Vick has something like 47 fumbles so far, so there's that. Fun fact: If you're 25 or younger, the Lions have never beaten the Eagles in your lifetime.

Kansas City (1-4) at Tampa Bay (1-3) - Somebody's gotta win this one, so why not the home team?

Dallas (2-2) at Baltimore (4-1) - The last time the Cowboys and the Ravens met, Joe Flacco had a 43.1 passer rating. Think that's bad? He was more than twice as good as Tony "Sergio" Romo's 20.8. Aaannnnnywaaay, the Cowboys barfed all over themselves in their last game and the Ravens look good, so.

New England (3-2) at Seattle (3-2) -

UPSET ALERT

The Seahawks are allowing just 9.5 points per game this year, and the Patriots couldn't handle the Cardinals's's''s's'ss's's defense. Yes, I'm basing this on a ludicrously small sample size (two Seattle home games) and bird mascot correlation equaling causation, but you know what else? I've been guzzling Vick's brand Purple Drank all morning and this prediction is just crazy enough to work.

Buffalo (2-3) at Arizona (4-1) - In its past six quarters of football, Buffalo has allowed 90 points ahahahahahahahahahahaha

NY Giants (3-2) at San Francisco (4-1) - In their past two games, these teams have combined for 14,000 yards of total offense and 110 points. Okay, maybe not quite but damn close following gut-stompings of Cleveland (NY) and Buffalol (SF). This is going to be a hell of a game and sucks for Virginia/Maryland and Minnesota they don't get it on TV.

Minnesota (4-1) at Washington (2-3) - And this game is what they get to watch instead, of course. The Vikings started slow and have looked unstoppable of late while the Redskins started out strong and have looked like the Redskins of late. Oh, and shocking news: Robert "The Official Spokesman of Subway, the Official Training Restaurant of Robert Griffin III" Griffin III might be slightly concussed and unavailable for this game, paving the way for the glorious return of the original RGIII. That's right, I'm talkin' 'bout mothereffin' SEXY REXY BABY WOOOO UNLEASH THE DRAGON

(SNF) Green Bay (2-3) at Houston (5-0) - Look, when Seattle gets nine flippin' sacks in a game that might just be one team dominating. When Indianpolis gets you for five more, it says more about your offensive line. When you're already two INTs short of your total from last year, as Aaron Rodgers is, and your QB rating is at a career low, and your TD percentage is at a career low, and and AND your yards per completion is at a career low, it means your O-line sucks and you're hurrying your passes and making a lot of dumpoff throws to avoid a sack. Forget the replacement refs, Packers fans, the real issue with your team are the big guys up front.

Monday
Denver (2-3) at San Diego (3-2) - Peyton Manning was one Willis McGahee fumble away from making things very interesting in New England last week. Peyton probably duct taped a football to Willis' hands this week.

Bye weeks: Carolina, Bears, Jaguars, Saints

NFL Week 5 Predictions

Last week: 9-6
Season: 34-29

So maybe the scab refs did make a difference. I mean, I picked who should have won and dipped perilously close to .500 when they were deciding games. Last week, three games over .500, baby. Obviously the refs were the problem. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Thursday
Arizona (4-0) at St. Louis (2-2) - The last time these two teams met was last November and Beanie Wells ran for 228 yards. The big surprise there is that Beanie Wells was healthy; no surprise this time as he's out for the season. Regardless, this game isn't going to be played on the ground as neither team has been running the ball all that well the past two weeks: 2.6 YPC for Arizona and 3.0 YPC for St. Louis.

Sunday
Miami (1-3) at Cincinnati (3-1) - Jay Gruden has done wonders in Cincy. Last year a rookie QB led the team to a 9-7 record, and this year they're on a tear so far. In this three-game winning streak, Andy Dalton has 8 TD passes and is completing 71% of his passes. Neat. Cincy is ranked 24th against the run, and Reggie Bush is doing good things for the Dolphins, but Dalton and A.J. Green are going to connect for points early, so look for Ryan Tannehill to start throwing. Look for... Brian Hartline obviously won't repeat his 253-yard performance.

Green Bay (2-2) at Indianapolis - I'm not looking to crack wise about leukemia. I think there could be something of a "Win one for the Gipper" effect at play in this game, but it won't be enough to outplay a superior Packers unit (huh huh huh... "unit.") (I will crack wise about dongs forever.)

Baltimore (3-1) at Kansas City - Numbers. I has them. The Chiefs have given up 15 turnovers so far this season. The Ravens have forced eight turnovers so far this season. In his past two games (both wins), Joe "I Took Viagra and Now I'm No Longer" Flacco has 738 yards and 4 TDs. The Ravens have the defense to force turnovers and the offense to capitalize on them. And hell, even the defense has scored two TDs on their four INTs.

Atlanta (4-0) at Washington (2-2) - Both of these QBs are having really good seasons. Both of these teams have had a fairly scrub-a-dub-dub schedule so far though, with both teams having played just one team with a winning record. Atlanta won their matchup against San Diego rather handily, 27-3, while the Redskins lost to the Bengals 38-31. The old adage says "Defense wins championships," and while this isn't remotely close to a championship, I'll take the Falcons' D (19 PPG) over the Redskins' D (30.8 PPG) any day.

Cleveland (0-4) at NY Giants (2-2) - This is my Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. The Doo-Doos are on a ten-game losing skid(mark). Poop joke. The Giants' front four are going to have a field day. You thought the Seahawks' nine sacks against the Packers were bad? Brandon Weeden might literally take the Browns to the Super Bowl in his pants.

Philadelphia (3-1) at Pittsburgh (1-2) - AWWWW SHIIIIIT Y'ALLL! THINGS ARE 'BOUT TO GET INSANE-Y IN THE ALLEGHENY BIIITCHEZZZZZ WOOOOOOOO!!! Who knows? I'm giving the home team this one because with James Harrison and Troy "Notorious Head (and Shoulders) Hunter" Polamalu back on the field, the Steelers' defense might actually be able to make the Eagles' turnovers count.

Seattle (2-2) at Carolina (1-3) -

Chicago (3-1) at Jacksonville - The Bears' defense might be indicted in The Hague after this game. The Jaguars are scoring a league-worst 15.5 points per game. That ain't gonna get better against Chicago.

Tennessee (1-3) at Minnesota (3-1) - Minnesota has looked good so far this year. The Titans... have not. Yes, CJ?k finally showed up (141 yards) last week, and Kenny Britt is probably going to suit up, but the Titans weren't Kenny Britt away from righting the ship.

Denver (2-2) at New England (2-2) - I love how magically these two teams were scheduled to play. Tom Brady and Peyton "CUT! THAT! MEAT!" Manning meet for the 13th time in their careers. This one is going to be one to watch, as were the past 12 meetings. Two of the all-time best QBs in the same game? I'll watch Tom Brady like I always do: with a seething, venomous hatred of his pretty face mixed with grudging respect.

Buffalo (2-2) at San Francisco (3-1) - Time for some transitive property predictions. Buffalo gave up 48 points to the Jets in Week 1. San Francisco allowed 0 points against the Jets last week. Thus, Buffalo might actually score negative touchdowns this week. Look for... The Patriots might score once more against Buffalo, too.

(SNF) San Diego (3-1) at New Orleans (0-4) - It would be interesting to know how many times a team with zero wins has played on Sunday night since Monday Night Football moved to cable. It's too early in the season for flex scheduling to come into play, but I wouldn't change this one out anyway. This promises to be a high-scoring affair, and that's always good for keeping eyeballs on TVs.

Monday
Houston (4-0) at NY Jets (2-2) - Fun fact: In the five games these teams have ever played, the Jets have outscored Houston 128-66. In the four games of 2012, the Texans are outscoring their opponents 126-56. Santonio Holmes will be out with a non-Rex-Ryan-related foot injury but even when he was healthy it's not like his presence was felt.

Bye weeks: Cowboys, Lions, Raiders, Buccaneers

NFL Week 4 Predictions

Last week: 5-11
Season: 25-23

UPDATE: THE REAL REFS ARE BACK but i'm not changing my predictions because whatever, man

What the hell even is the point?

Ugh, what a miserable week. I blame all the scab officials across the board. By the by, Packers fans certainly have a right to be mad at the scabs for blowing that last call, but they should also not forget their offensive line gave up eight first-half sacks. Just sayin'.

Thursday
Cleveland (0-3) at Baltimore (2-1) - I'm making the first game of Week 4 my official Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK. For what it's worth. Last week I thought the Niners would handle the Vikings and look how that turned out. The week before I thought the Pats could surely beat the Cards and, well, there you go. Anyway, the last eight games these two have played are 203-91 in favor of the Ravens and the Browns are on a nine-game losing streak. Fun!

Sunday
Carolina (1-2) at Atlanta (3-0) - Carolina hasn't been able to stop the run, which is good news for Fat Michael Turner. The bad news for Also Drunk Michael Turner is that Matt Ryan has eight TD passes and one INT in three games. Look for... Atlanta will not score exactly 31 points in this game.

New England (1-2) at Buffalo (2-1) - The bad news for Bills fans is C.J. Spiller is injured. The good news is that Tashard Choice is a more-than-capable backup, as he proved in Dallas. The other bad news is that the Patriots are in town, and despite their complete bonering of the game last week (yeah that field goal, but also that nine-point lead) and despite their first so-far-losing-record since starting 2003 0-1 the Pats are still the Pats. Look for... Real winnahs don't make excuses!

San Diego (2-1) at Kansas City (1-2) - Why not, right? Home teams are something like 31-1 so far this year, and that's something you can legitimately put on the scabs. Philip Rivers looked rough last week and the Chiefs looked great.

Seattle (2-1) at St. Louis (1-2) - But, then, some home teams are beyond help. The Rams are one of those teams. Seattle looks legit this year what with Beast Mode and Russell "Nike adidas" Wilson. Also, how about Matt Flynn getting paid $20,000,000 to hold a clipboard and watch football? You go, girl.

San Francisco (2-1) at NY Jets (2-1) - Two really good defenses and two not-so-good quarterbacks meet in this one. I'm not even sure what else to say. "Darrelle Revis is out," I guess? I don't know. For some reason, my coffee isn't doing it for me today. Look for... If The Sanchize repeats last week's 306 yards but two INTs performance, ESPN will activate Tebowatch.

Minnesota (2-1) at Detroit (1-2) - Ummm... okaaay? The Lions and the Titans combined for 85 points last week. Minnesota had a double-digit win over San Francisco last week. I don't even know what's going on anymore. It doesn't look like Matt Stafford will miss this game, but maybe he should be benched for backup Shaun Hill. Consider: Hill threw two TD passes in the last 18 seconds of the 4th quarter last week. At an average of six points every nine seconds, that's 400 touchdowns per game. Even if Hill is half as good as last week, the Lions would still have 1,400 points (I'm assuming each PAT would be good) at the final gun. Look for... Jason Hanson's leg to fall off.

Tennessee (1-2) at Houston (3-0) - Would you believe the Texans are not only the only unbeaten team in the AFC South but in the entire AFC?? That's how cuckoo-clock-nutty this season has been. The Titans scored touchdowns just about every way a team can without the offense on the field. The Texans, on the other hand, had their QB throw four touchdown passes, winning the old-fashioned way.

Cincinnati (2-1) at Jacksonville (1-2) - CAT FIIIIIIIGHT!!!! The Jaguars are the new Lions, in that they are terrible.

Miami (1-2) at Arizona (3-0) - The Cardinals have played all three of their games this year as underdogs and in fact have been outgained by an average of 316 to 263 total yards. Their defense is actually good, and against a Dolphins team without Reggie Bush, this should be an easy win for Arizona. Look for... OF COURSE, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THE PACKERS LAST WEEK ARRRGH THIS SEASON

Oakland (1-2) at Denver (1-2) - Pew pew pew! It's an AFC Wild Wild West shootout! Weeeeee doggies! Last week, Carson "Emerson, Lake, and" Palmer threw for three TDs. Last week, Peyton "Call... Papa Bear. Hut hut!" Manning threw for two TDs on 52 pass attempts. Look for... With incomplete passes stopping the clock combined with scab official meetings on every one of the 40 penalties called, this game could last longer than your average Red Sox/Yankees game. Side note: It's really damn hard to find a cowbell sound on YouTube.

Washington (1-2) at Tampa Bay (1-2) - Ugggggh. Tampa's offense looked AWFUL last week. They were completely unable to take advantage of their defense keeping them in the game. The play calling was unimaginative: rush for no gain, rush for no gain, incomplete pass on third and long. It reminded me of watching UCF games in 2008. I realize that may be too regionally specific for some of you, but just know that anytime an NFL team reminds someone of a Conference USA team, it ain't a good thing. Barf barf barf.

New Orleans (0-3) at Green Bay (1-2) - If you'd have told me in August that these two teams would be 1-5 in Week 4, I'd have called you a liar. The Saints are really bad defensively this year, allowing 27.7 points per game and 477 yards per game. The last time these two teams met was the start of the 2011 season and both QBs combined for 731 yards and six TDs. Who knows, this could be more of the same.

(SNF) NY Giants (2-1) at Philadelphia (2-1) - I know two things about this game: One, New York will force a buttload of turnovers. Two, Philly's inevitable "BULLSHIT" chant will put Baltimore's to shame. It may involve literal bull shit, possibly with D-cell batteries stuffed inside.

Monday
Chicago (2-1) at Dallas (2-1) - Remember the Steelers/Dolphins game where punts just stuck in the muddy turf and nobody could move the ball and it was 3-0? That'll be this one, but no mud. Look for... Both teams will combine for less than 100 yards of offense.

Bye Weeks: Pittsburgh, Indianapolis

NFL Week 3 Predicitons

Last week: 9-7
Season: 20-12

All right, bounce-back week, here we go now.

Thursday
NY Giants (1-1) at Carolina (1-1) - Remember when Eli Manning was a hapless loser, and those Citizen watch ads were hilarious? No? Anyway, both of these teams put up huge numbers on offense last week, with Eli having a career-best 510-yard (!!!) passing day on top of three INTs and Cam "Fig" Newton putting up 324 total yards. The Giants won't have Ahmad Bradshaw but who needs a running game these days?

Sunday
St. Louis (1-1) at Chicago (1-1) - The Rams haven't had a two-game winning streak since 2010. The Bears looked awful against the Packers last Thursday, but that's the Packers. Steven Jackson's groin shouldn't be an issue, but Matt Forté's ankle might keep him (Matt Forté) out of the game. The Bears have dominated the last few times these teams have met, and that shouldn't change this week. Look for... The Bears' special teams might be the key to this game.

Buffalo (1-1) at Cleveland (0-2) - Psyduck Stat of the Week: In three of the past four games these teams have played, the average total points scored is 12 (8-0, 6-3, and 13-6). Brandon Weeden got 2,180% better in Week 2 (5.1 QB rating in Week 1; 114.9 in Week 2) but still lost. C.J. Spiller was awesome again last week (170 total yards, 2 TDs) and will be again.

Tampa Bay (1-1) at Dallas (1-1) - DARE TO DREAM. The Cowboys are 12-3 all-time against the Bucs. The Bucs farted away a 14-point lead last week. BUT! The Cowboys only put up 296 total yards against Seattle (SEATTLE!) last week. The Cowboys are 7-9 at home since 2010. The Bucs had three picks against the Giants last week and looked sharp until the end. Look for... Josh Freeman better pray he doesn't have to take a knee at the end of this game.

NY Jets (1-1) at Miami (1-1) - This one is a toss-up to me. Mark Sanchez couldn't complete a pass to save his job for three quarters last week. Reggie Bush put up ridiculous, what-we-expected-six-years-ago numbers (172 yards, 2 TDs) last week. Perspective: Sanchez was helpless against the Steelers and Bush and the 'Fins were stellar against the Raiders. The Jets are juuuust this side of mo'-betta than the Dolphins so they get the nod.

San Francisco (2-0) at Minnesota (1-1) - Fun Fact: The 49ers haven't won in Minnesota since 1992. Corollary fun fact: The 49ers haven't been this good since approximately 1992. This is a game I hope is on my TV Sunday afternoon even though I feel certain I'm getting St. Louis/Chicago on Fox. This game is my official Stone Cold Tighten Up Lock it Down Lock it Up Can't Miss You Better Believe It LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Kansas City (0-2) at New Orleans (0-2) - Hm. Maybe the Saints did need Sean Payton calling plays. And now that they're not getting paid cash to murder people, their defense has been amaze-balls awful (league-worst 922 yards, 75 points allowed). The good news for the Saints is the Chiefs are equally terrible in that they've also allowed 75 points per game. Unless the over/under is triple digits, take the over. Hell, even then.

Detroit (1-1) at Tennessee (0-2) - The last time these teams met was in 2008, and the Lions were destroyed 47-10. Oh wait, that was also the year the Lions went 0-16. The Titans don't have an offense: Jake Locker has more rushing yards on four carries than Chris Johnson has on 19. Johnson would need 100 carries at his current yards-per-carry average (1.1) to get 110 yards. Their passing game is crap, too.

Jacksonville (0-2) at Indianapolis (1-1) - "BARF!" Parity my black ass. The Jaguars are going to be terrible for a long, long time unless they make some changes in the front office. Last week, Jacksonville gained 117 total effing yards to Houston's 411. Nobody's hitting the panic button in Jacksonville? Nobody wants to bench Blarf Barfberf (also: Pain Gagbarf)? It's painfully obvious that Shahid Khan is just running out the clock until he can move the team to Los Angeles, but unless pieces are in place to at least win some of the time, nobody in LA is gonna come see the team either.

Cincinnati (1-1) at Washington (1-1) - PEW PEW PEW! That's the sound of a shootout, folks! WEEEEE DOGGIES! The 'Skins returned to Earth a bit last week in the loss to St. Louis but Robert "Stewart Gilligan" Griffin III still had three TDs. Andy Dalton also had three TDs last week. Washington's defense will at least be able to stop the Bengals' offense once or twice, so they got the nod.

Philadelphia (2-0) at Arizona (2-0) - Zuh!? Both of these teams are 2-0? AND the Cardinals played the Pats last week!? The Eagle are losing 4.5 turnovers per week and still eking out wins, and they should win here in their second-straight all-bird mascot matchup.

Atlanta (2-0) at A Whale's Vagina (2-0) - Two not-as-surprising 2-0 teams here. The Dirty Birds' last loss to Saint Diego came in 1988. Atlanta's defense was scary-good last week. The last time these teams met was 2008 and Philip "My Favorite Skinny Puppy Song Might Be" Rivers had a Weedenesque 7.5 QB rating that game.

Houston (2-0) at Denver (1-1) - "Hooray!" said the Texans. "Peyton Manning left our divison!" "Screw you," said the NFL schedulers. "You still have to play him." The elder Manning is 16-2 all-time against the Texans, and he's still playing for a horse mascot team.

Pittsburgh (1-1) at Oakland - This one might be sloppy and gross or it might be a blowout but either way Ben Roflburger and the Stillers get the W.

(SNF) New England (1-1) at Baltimore (1-1) - The Ravens have never beaten the Patriots since Art packed up the Browns in 1996. Coming off an embarrassing loss to the Cardinals last week, the Pats are going to look to murder somebody. Even without Aaron Hernandez, and even against the Ravens, that can happen here. Fun Fact: Without looking it up, how old is Kellen Winslow?

Monday
Green Bay (1-1) at Seattle (1-1) - Ummm... not even close. The combined scores of the last three games these two teams have played is 117-47 in favor of the cheeseheads.